“Keep it as quiet as possible. Just think about the damage done to other relationships if you tell them she cheated on you [aka the truth].”
-Standard (Awful) Advice
Such concern for the damage of relationships is too in coming late.
Actions reveal character. Character often shapes reputation. If a cheater wanted a good reputation, he or she ought to have chosen and acted better.
The damage of people knowing–e.g. faithful spouse’s family members–is damage done by the acts of lying and cheating on their loved one. If a cheater wanted to have a good reputation, he should have behaved in a way worthy of said reputation.
I do not see it as a problem for people knowing the truth.
The Bible actually instructs us:
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. -Ephesians 5:11, NIV
We in the United States too often treat adultery as if it is only a matter between a husband and wife (plus the third party). It is NOT!
A cheater does not just betray the trust of his or her beloved by cheating. The cheater also betrays the trust of the community that loves that faithful spouse and believed they could trust them with the cheater.
To insist on keeping “it quiet” is to continue the deception. I consider it lying, actually.
The community deserves to have a low opinion of the cheater because that is an accurate assessment based upon the cheater’s actions. And the difficulty in repairing those relationships is part of the consequences the cheater chose when he or she chose to lie and cheat.
That difficulty does not belong to the faithful spouse because he or she chose to end the lying and deception by sharing the truth!
Not only does the repentant cheater need to rebuild the relationship with the faithful spouse, he or she needs to rebuild the network of relationships betrayed by his or her adulterous, deceitful ways. That’s repentance.
Pressuring a faithful spouse to keep quiet about his or her sin is unrepentant behavior.
Such a cheater is signaling that he or she really isn’t willing to face and own the full consequences of his or her sin.
I’ve heard people say that not telling people can be leverage during the divorce proceedings. If cheaters really don’t want this to get out, they can agree to a fair settlement. I told right away and received a fair amount of backlash from my ex and ex-mother in law. I do think you’re right that it’s perfectly fine to tell the truth to people. Many unfaithful spouses tell people bad things about their faithful spouses, some of it lies.
Bravo! Bravo! {{{Standing ovation}}} & pom poms waving!
Yeppers! “If they had wanted us to speak well of them, they should have behaved better!”
I do believe that many, if not most, of us experience this “call to silence” at some point in this debacle.
Poop on that! THIS is the story of MY life and I am free to tell the Truth, the whole Truth & nothing BUT the Truth! You got a problem with that?! Well, you can take it up with MY God, as He has a whole other view!
Thank you, as always, precious DM!