Cheater-speak: “I don’t want to hurt you.”


Cheater Reason NOT to Disclose Adultery and/or Infidelity Details:

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

This one was an especially annoying line of reasoning. It comes packaged to faithful spouse as altruism on the cheater’s part when the reality is the cheater is refusing to disclose for his/her own selfish reasons.

We do not think “altruism”–i.e. fear of hurting someone’s feelings–is a valid reason for a doctor to withhold test results indicating advanced cancer. The cancer and its painful effects do not disappear just because the doctor refuses to tell the patient he/she has cancer. It still causes damage whether or not it is acknowledged explicitly.

Similarly, the marriage cancer known as infidelity (plus all the lies) does not disappear just because the cheater refuses to disclose the truth of his/her adulterous sins to the faithful spouse. Trust me when I say that faithful spouses feel the painful effects of that sin even if they do not know its–adulterous–source.

The truth is empowering.

It empowers the faithful spouse to both know why he/she is in such excruciating pain–emotionally, spiritually, and physically–as well as helps him/her with basic information needed to make good decisions moving forward regarding the marriage.

Refusing to disclose or tell the truth–especially when asked by the faithful spouse to do so–is not benevolence on the part of the cheater.

It is selfishness.

The cheater is choosing to protect his or her power–i.e. the power they have by virtue of holding the dirty secrets from their faithful partner. Also, the cheater is choosing their own comfort over having to face a potentially angry and sad partner whom they just soul raped. The last thing the cheater wants is to face consequences–including a hurt partner who might divorced them–for their adulterous treachery.

Do not accept this lame lie.

Call the cheater on the deception…

Continuing to lie to the faithful spouse by refusing to disclose the adulterous and deceptive sins is not about caring for the faithful spouse’s well-being; rather, it is about protecting the cheater from dealing with the consequences of his/her adulterous and deceptive sins.


The problem is not in the faithful spouse knowing how the cheater sinned against him/her. It is the fact that the cheater sinned against the faithful spouse to begin with that is the problem.

If the cheater really was concerned about not hurting the faithful spouse, he or she would not have cheated in the first place and certainly would not continue lying/gas-lighting the faithful spouse after the fact.




1 thought on “Cheater-speak: “I don’t want to hurt you.””

  1. This is so true!
    In my case I sensed something was terribly wrong for years! I blamed myself for being insecure, critical, or judgmental when I questioned his behavior, attitude, decisions, actions, motives….
    Had I known the truth, I could have been free from bondage years earlier. I would have been able to start my life over when I was much younger, healthier and better off financially!
    Keeping the sin of adultery hidden from a faithful spouse is a sin in itself. I think they are putting themselves above God when they do this! God created us with the ability to reason and make choices. God gives faithful spouse the right and His permission to divorce if we choose. Withholding information is manipulative and it interfers with someone else’s ability to exercise their God given right to make a choice!

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