Cheater-Speak: “Our relationship was toxic.”

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

-Exodus 20:14, KJV

Did I miss something?

When I read this verse–part of the Ten Commandments–I don’t see where it says,

“Thou shalt not commit adultery unless [you believe] your marriage is a toxic relationship.”

I don’t see it because it is NOT there!

This is an especially lame cheater excuse or “justification” for cheating and/or abandoning the marriage after the fact.

Interestingly enough, I do agree that divorcing a toxic person is justifiable. But it is divorce for the sin–e.g. adultery and/or verified abuse–that is the real reason.

It is not for the lazy “toxicity” excuse.

That is akin to divorcing over a lack of “happiness.”

I do not see the God of the Bible telling us to stay in a marriage or not based upon our perceived level of happiness or misery.

And even if a spouse has a clear reason to divorce biblically–e.g. in light of adultery–that does not excuse the faithful spouse in cheating in response to the original marital sin.

One sin does not justify another! 

Also, toxicity claims after the fact are just another way cheaters blame-shifts upon their victim. It is another way of saying, “See, you drove me to it!”

As a reminder, the state of the marriage did not cause the cheater to violate the marriage vows. Cheaters choose to cheat. It is the overflow of the wickedness in their own heart (see James 1:13-17).

God does not give us a pass to cheat on our spouse because our marriage is difficult or “toxic.” God does not give us a pass to cheat even if our spouse cheated on us first. The command to not commit adultery stands with no qualification.

Thou shalt not commit adultery!

Do not let the “shiny” language of “toxic relationship” distract you from this simple Biblical instruction!

It is not that complicated.

Toxic relationship or not, it still is unacceptable to God for a spouse to cheat!

6 thoughts on “Cheater-Speak: “Our relationship was toxic.””

  1. This is so so good! Its hard when you feel partly responsible because of what your spouse NOW claims as to why he is justified to be with another and make it all ok for all to see. It is not ok. I love the part where you clarify that this is the sin of the one choosing to commit adultery – not the spouse willing to stay and work it out. Thank you. I think when you walk through this journey – you absolutely NEED clarity. IT is essential in not being blown about by the accusations and blame you receive. Praise Jesus 🙂 Thanks DM so glad i found your site!! It is refreshing to say the least!!

  2. Is it a sin to remarry after divorcing your cheater spouse for adultery? Mine was a non-believer who
    placed all the blame on me for her cheating. All like your you wrote, no remorse.

  3. I recently had to read a 7-page document my husband submitted in which he partially admits to “infidelity” (quotes are his), but spends all his time justifying it. He alleges that I’m not satisfying him sexually, don’t validate his feelings, spend too much on hobbies (garden and cat rescue), and am “crazy.” I feel devastated. It’s not that I think I’m perfect, but I was not abusive and was faithful. His friends think it’s great my husband is “moving on.” I wanted things to work, but I feel dirty and discarded/disrespected.

    1. So, let me get this straight, your husband took 7 pages to try and convince you that HIS choices and HIS (sinful) actions were actually YOURS! Really. This is classic cheater blame-shifting. Please, do not buy his narrative.

      You are not responsible for his choices, his sin. Cheating is NEVER justifiable. Also, circumstances of a marriage do not CAUSE someone to sin. It is the character–or lack thereof–in the cheater that leads to cheating. Plenty of people live in hard marriages yet never cheat because that is not an option due to their character and integrity saying so.

      Btw, sounds like a wicked group of friends. Too bad they are helping him down the road of destruction instead of warning him.

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