Feedback Request: Pondering Writing A Book


Maybe it was dealing with horrible counsel found in Dr. Laney’s book or maybe it was a recent story of how this blog helped someone from my hometown or maybe it was writing another submission to a Christian online magazine for publication. I don’t know. Whatever it was (maybe a “Who” and not an “it”), I do know I feel a burning ache in my heart to write a book that takes adultery seriously and start moving this message out to others via that media form (ebook and otherwise).

To help me in that endeavor, I ask you, my readers, for some feedback.

What posts or topics have you found most helpful or enlightening on my blog?

I have an idea of a few posts and ideas I will certainly include in the book. And I could always check this via traffic. However, traffic frequency does not always reflect the impact of a post in someone’s life. So, here’s your opportunity to give me some feedback in the comment section as I start in the infant stage to formulate this book about “Taking Adultery Seriously.”



22 thoughts on “Feedback Request: Pondering Writing A Book”

  1. I think it is a fantastic idea for you to write a book. It is much needed! Please do! I know some of the posts I found most helpful was debunking the dual responsibility myth and also your explanation of adultery being soul rape. I resonated with those so much, and you put words to concepts I had tried to explain but wasn’t quite able to.

  2. 1. unveiling the myth of dual responsability.
    2. When divorce is treated as always unacceptable by Christian leaders…anything else is acceptable (a deep theological truth, I think)
    3. Forgiving: Don’t build a smiting shelter.

    And please remember to have a spanish edition.


    1. I would love to have a Spanish edition of the book! Speaking of Spanish editions, If you or someone else you know would be comfortable and willing to help translate I could really use the help in translating posts. I started doing some back in the fall but I went back to grad school and am working full time. The time I spent translating before is now spent trying to keep up with homework so Spanish posts have fallen to the wayside, sadly.

  3. Great idea for you to write a book! Of all your posts,the ones that have helped me the most are the ones concerning the anti biblical stance against divorce in the case of adultery by pastors and Christian counselors. I think you should also include a large section covering the injustice of laying partial blame on the loyal spouse.

  4. Dearest DM, Feisty and the Munchkin!

    Please, yes, Oh Please……Write that book!!

    As for thoughts & suggestions as to what I would love to see included….
    Another day…..

    My work schedule is demanding at the moment, so my brain has little left at the end of the day! I will book-mark this post and (hopefully!!!) zap some thoughts later on.

    Love to all of you!


    PS: You are SOOOO correct that numbers of comments do not give the true picture of who is truly impacted by your posts. So often, I am just too drained by daily cares to leave a comment. However, I read ALL your blog entries and I am strengthened and uplifted by each and every one!!

  5. My initial response: I have to review the blogs I quoted as I went through my criminal trial for something I was accused of doing… But didn.t My still spouse was former law enforcement and tried to set things up to justify his bad behavior. But the discussions of soul rape and the shared responsibility lie were the most powerful on that these particular discussions helped me to articulate to an uncomfortable audience of friends that just standing by was aiding and abetting the spiritual enemy. Please write the book. God be with you!

  6. Definitely write a book. Your view points and knowledge have been very important on my journey towards recovery. I don’t always post, but I look forward to reading your thoughts on infidelity and the uplifting affect it has on me. Please, start that book now!!! The sooner the better!

  7. Please include something on anger and thoughts of revenge. I am still so angry and find this really difficult to deal with as it is so not me. I feel I have lost God and connections to the spiritual. I read somewhere that you cannot hear the still small voice of God whilst your soul is screaming. This seemed to help for some reason. Anyway thank you for all your help. I echo above commenters to include soul rape as that is exactly what it feels like.
    Bless you and your wife

  8. Please do write this book, it is so important.

    Definitely the shared responsibility lie is important and the lie around the assumption of equivalencies. In my experience it hasn’t been the church that has enforced these but the RIC. Also the Scripture passages where you highlight ‘the wolf in sheep’s clothing’ concepts. The Bible doesn’t seem to minimize or excuse sin – no gaslighting from God.

    Also the concepts of forgiveness versus reconciliation in the context of adultery.

    Your posts have been so helpful, they articulate what my scrambled brain is thinking but can’t seem to put into words.

    Every day I am grateful for my minister who supported my divorce when it was revealed my husband had spent 5 years of our marriage watching gay porn and visiting male prostitutes. I will never forget the day he sat and prayed with me to release me from my marriage vows. He would not let me stand down from the church council and he purposefully went to the Bishop to get agreement to allow me to serve communion. I am sure you understand what he did for me, he was not going to blame me in any way for the divorce and was not going to allow any member of the congregation to look down on me for being divorced. He did not shun my XH but was not going to give him a free pass.

    The church needs to get a backbone and stand up against abuse in all its forms.

  9. I think definitely the shared responsibility topic, and also perhaps something about forgiveness.

    I’m sure this would definitely be a topic, but you’ve done a good job of mentioning it on the blog so I would definitely want it translated to book form – the Biblical reasons for divorce. As I’ve said before, I’ve had Chump friends told they needed to pray for their sin of divorce or told they’d be committing adultery if they ever dated again and needed to remain single. They were cheated on and abandoned by their spouses, some had no choice in the matter of divorce, just told to get out or served divorce papers. And yet its their sin of divorce to some people.

  10. DM you MUST do this. Personally, I have enjoyed reading everything you have to say.

    Jesus cheaters are the worst. (31 years has made me an expert) Something on that would be great bc the faithful spouse then easily is pulled into christian counsel of being labeled “co-dependent” forgive, don’t be angry, let it go. EVERYONE rallied around the cheater STBxh and judged me and accepted HIM. He lapped up the attention, Never changing and I stayed holding his guilt and shame, his cover is blown now!

    People in the church also make us feel bad for divorcing. Leaving and living with a cheater is no small thing Reading your blog is what gave me the courage to file for divorce. my heart is so ripped up, but HE is with me,

  11. Yes, a book is a must. Everything that everyone else has said. Definitely your post on how to help someone who has discovered him or herself in this situation. It would also be great to have information on other reasons for divorce. What has driven me to seek a divorce was adultery, but I suffered years of physical and emotional abuse before that happened, and looking back should perhaps have divorced on those grounds, but I thought that I ought to keep top my vows. Women do abuse men, but many more men abuse women, and many women are seriously injured or killed every year by violent husbands. If there are children involved and a woman does not leave a violent situation her children can be taken into care for their own safety. And, having joined a support group for women who have been abused I have learnt that even if a child is not hurt or the abuse is not physical but emotional that they are affected, both at the time and in the future. Now out of the situation I can look back and think that it’s obvious that mine was not a situation that God would want and He does not want women abused or children growing up in a household of fear, and their lives blighted but when you are in that, and perennially hoping that the good times will last and maybe he will stop, it is hard to break free. Reassure others in such a situation that it is ok in those situations
    Maybe you could add a bit on annulment for Catholics, so that the book will appeal to most denominations

  12. Just a suggestion, David: I would write a little more about the situation when children are involved. Not sure what you could write about that is different from what you already do, but I know it is harder on the faithful spouse when children are involved. {You were fortunate not to have to worry about children.} Maybe advice from someone else? All your posts are excellent!

    1. I Agree with the last opinion!! It is sooo hard when children are involved. How you deal with that??

  13. I don’t read here every day, and I’m not all that Christian. A book would be wonderful. I think there needs to be something about free will included, and one has to find Jesus on one’s own, just as one found the affair partner. I’ve gotten blame via my ex-inlaws for taking my cheater “away from his religion.” (btw, they’re great Catholics, totally buy the shared responsibility lie, and can’t believe I actually left the pond scum when he cheated a second time). So yeah, a biblical prospective book on this would be great.

  14. Everything you have written has ministered to me deeply simply because it opened my eyes to how seriously God viewed Adultery and made me believe that my husband’s cheating was all on him and could never be my fault.

    Personally for me, the ones that validated what I was going through and brought the most relief were:
    Adultery is soul rape.
    Shared Responsibility lie
    Slaying the fear giant
    Relax and be still

    This helped me a lot because it made me see I was not crazy to feel so much pain, it made me realize my husband’s sin was not my fault not matter what he or anyone said and made me trust God when I was so consumed by grief and pain… Reminded me that God was there even if I could not feel him.

    Also I will always be grateful for the time you and Mrs DM took to reply my email when I was so consumed by pain.

  15. I love the idea of a book too. Every post is really good. The ones that stick out to me are soul rape, shared responsibility lie, grief- church not treating it as a loss. I too would like to see something about children. Just because you don’t have kids, doesn’t mean your pain was any less, it would just be helpful. Explaining what good wives are husbands are in God’s eyes is helpful because even Christians have gotten wrapped up in our society’s rules instead of God’s. Oh I also loved the one about the “being unhappy” excuse. There are so many great topics! I can’t wait to read it!

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