14 If any household or town refuses to welcome you or listen to your message, shake its dust from your feet as you leave. 15 I tell you the truth, the wicked cities of Sodom and Gomorrah will be better off than such a town on the judgment day.
-Matthew 10:14-15, NLT
A Futile Enterprise
When first discovered, the faithful spouse is often consumed with an investigative urge to know when all the cheating took place and what actually was happening. I know I did.
This is normal.
We are trying to put together a coherent narrative of our lives with the puzzle missing key pieces–pieces stolen by our cheater who often has no desire to give them back.
I would go even further. Personally, I believe the investigative process is necessary. We need to have enough facts to have peace that what happened, actually happened.
But I do believe still trying to recreate this coherent narrative is ultimately a futile enterprise. Some cheaters will never give back those missing pieces–i.e. give a full account of their lies and infidelity.
We must come to a place where we are okay in cutting our losses. Until we get there, the cheater keeps his or her power over us as we still care about the secrets they are keeping.
Time to Cut Your Losses
When I consider what I do know about my cheater’s behavior, I am enabled to let go of the narrative reconstruction impulse. It does not matter if she led this nasty double-life for “only” months or if it was actually for years.
Months is bad and unacceptable enough.
I do not know what it will be for you. However, I would encourage you to consider letting go of the impulse and move forward with your life. This is necessary for healing.
And it is necessary for breaking the cheater’s power over you.