“But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
-Matthew 5:28, NLT
What to do upon realizing a relationship has crossed the line into the realm of being an emotional affair?
1. The first step–and one of the hardest steps–is properly identifying the relationship as a sinful emotional affair.
-Do you get that first love feeling every time you think of this other person?
-Would you be uncomfortable if your husband (or wife) was watching you two interact?
-How would you feel if your spouse shared the same things you share with someone who could be a potential partner?
These are all questions to get at the heart of the matter. An emotional affair is a relationship with intimacy is stolen from your spouse and given to another.
Put simply:
If you are both excited by your relationship with the other and inclined to keep it a secret from your spouse, then you likely are having an emotional affair.
2. The next step is to acknowledge the fact your emotional affair is sin.
It is not a “cry for help.” The affair isn’t “just” a friendship. You know better. Minimizing the serious spiritual nature of this relationship is a sure fire way to dig a deeper hole.
3. Forsake your sin.
The illicit relationship must end! A clear statement of how the relationship was wrong, and that it will not continue needs to be made. The door must be firmly shut.
Since this sin was against your spouse, he or she needs to be allowed to witness this ending relationship statement, IMO.
Yes, this means you must tell your spouse about sinning against him or her in this way (perhaps with a pastor or therapist present). The nasty secrets need to be exposed. This is an important step in burning the bridge leading back to the affair partner.
4. Repent and make restitution to your spouse.
If your spouse chooses to remain married to you after this serious breach of your marriage covenant, then you will need to do some serious relationship work.
Please find a qualified pastor and/or therapist who will NOT push the lie that your spouse is partially responsible for your emotional affair. That is a lie. You alone are responsible for your own sins–not your spouse.
Repenting and restitution in this phase may take on various forms. Really, the faithful spouse is the one calling the shots here.
Coming clean with the affair secrets is a minimum, and thereby being an open book to your spouse is essential. Remember that you got yourself in trouble due to secrecy, not openness.
5. Whatever you do, resist the temptation to use your affair as a veiled (or not so veiled) threat to manipulate your spouse into doing things.
It is tempting both for cheaters and for some helpers (pastors/therapists) to blame the sin of the emotional affair upon the faithful partner.
This comes in the form of talking about how allegedly “emotionally distant” the faithful spouse was in the marriage as if such distance forced an emotional affair to happen.
They forget the faithful partner was in the same “crummy” marriage yet did not choose to cheat. Please do not shift blame upon your victim.
It may very well be true that your husband or wife is emotionally distant. The marriage may be seriously struggling. An emotional affair does not help such matters!
An adult solution to such problems is going to therapy or visiting your pastor. Barring a willingness to do that from your partner, then I suggest focusing on yourself and finding other ways to be fulfilled as a human–e.g. get involved in a hobby (like painting, gardening, etc).
The road out of an emotional affair is not a smooth or easy one.
However, the road does exist. It requires speaking the truth; plus, refusing to engage in blame-shifting lies and minimization of the sin.
Repentance, restitution, and restoration are not always fun but they are what our God calls us to do when we are caught in sin.
