Mrs. DM to Stuck-On-Pastor


Dear Divorce Minister (and Mrs. Divorce Minister),

Please I need help,I’ve been having extra marital affair with my pastor,we’ve been seeing each other consistently, we tried so stay away from each other after some time will be in contact again, I suggested that
I should leave his church he’s literally refusing, I tried to find a job away from him he said he’s not going to bless me,my worry is I’m also married with 3 kids we all fellowships at the same church, I wanted to tell my husband ,the pastor is refusing he said he doesn’t want to loss us,will rather try hard to stop our relationship, this has affected me so badly I see myself as a failure and u can’t be trusted the worse part I’m being emotionally attached to the pastor, when I see him I just become week [sic].

What if this has come out ,you’ll never know,even though we both agreed
that we won’t tell anyone, and not even counselling, but right now things
are getting out of hands, if I want to leave the church what am I going to
tell my husband ,to make matter worse the pastor wants to ordain us as
Elders in his church, but I told him that he shouldn’t do that, as we still
struggling with this issues,

Currently there’s so much that I know about his private life besides being
a pastor, am I covered spiritually he’s suppose to be my spiritual father
not my lover.

Will appreciate your honest feedback, right now I just want to go away from him, I’m being obsessed with him.


Dear Stuck,

I echo my husband’s thoughts on this matter, though to forewarn you I don’t sugarcoat and I tend to be far more blunt that he is. It sounds like you already know what you need to do and what you should do. The hesitation is it involves having to look in the mirror and own up.

First off, let it be very clear this is an abuse of power and the pastor should not be a pastor. When a pastor says “you give me sex and I’ll make you an elder in the church” you report the bastard then you run far and you run fast.

You wrote “I tried to find a job away from him he said he’s not going to bless me.” To put it bluntly, who the hell cares about his blessing on you getting a new job? He is most definitely not the end all when it comes to blessings and he lost his spiritual authority the moment he started sleeping with you. Seriously, consider the source here. “I won’t bless you getting a new job” in this case is spiritual abuse, not spiritual authority. You can get a new job without his blessing, especially when getting a new job is a step in ending the affair that shouldn’t be happening in the first place.

He’s not letting you leave his church? Why would he? That would involve him losing his booty call and heaven forbid he lose his booty call. If you leave the church and get a job away from him how will he get his hanky panky? What are you hoping to get from showing your cards, merely suggesting that you leave? You really think he’s going to give you permission and that you need his permission to end the affair and leave? No. You leave and you end the affair, plain and simple. You get the hell out.

I’m guessing that while part of this is the abuse of power keeping you under his thumb, I’d bet that another part is that even though you know you should end it deep down you don’t really want to. The mess you’d have to clean up, losing the intrigue and the extra sexual and emotional attention…I know a thing or two about having to come clean about cheating on someone. The coward card is not worth playing.

There’s nothing altruistic in hiding the affair from your husband.  It’s getting out of hand because affairs aren’t met to be kept in hand all neat and tidy in the first place. Affairs are bombs. Bombs explode, that is their purpose. Neither you nor your husband will stand any chance of true healing or having anything genuine by keeping secrets like this. All you’ll have is a life of lies. Lies of who you each are, what your relationship is made of/founded on. Lies unravel and boy they’re rotten things to have in your marriage.

The cheating spouse will always try and play the card that they’re trying to protect their spouse/kids by not telling and/or that they didn’t tell because they didn’t want to hurt their spouse/kids but I can guarantee you that the faithful partner NEVER feels “protected” or somehow “unhurt” by finding out (and they will find out) that their spouse was secretly sleeping around. Keeping it secret is just a way the cheating spouse tries to avoid the consequences of their destructive behavior.

Of course the pastor doesn’t want anyone to know, he’d be held accountable and wants to avoid all those appropriate consequences. The pastor should be reported to his denomination and the other elders in the church. He’s already shown he’s not above using sex as a way to make people elders in the church and to keep them from leaving. You really think he’ll suddenly turn around and support the idea of coming clean? Do the right thing. End the affair. Come clean. Report him. Leave the church. Get a new job. Accept the consequences that will come from your actions. Learn from them. Let the rebuild make you stronger and wiser. Do the work that’s needed to fix you so all of the above doesn’t happen again. Do the work that’s needed to try and salvage what’s left of your marriage while knowing full well that there is no guarantee that it can be saved.

-Mrs. DM

1 thought on “Mrs. DM to Stuck-On-Pastor”

  1. “… to make matter worse the pastor wants to ordain us as Elders in his church, ….”

    What “church” ordains a husband and wife together as Elders? From my understanding of scripture, that is unbiblical, and reason to get away from that church on that basis alone. As to the rest of the situation, getting out and finding a pastor and church who will follow God’s teaching is imperative.

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