A practical reality of divorce is the necessity to divide up the marital “assets.”
It is “just” things. Yet so much more…
Now, I will confess that I am a bit sentimental about things. It is a “real” danger that I would become a cat hoarder in my old age left to my own devices.
And I grant that some who come here may not have had any problem with the dividing of the stuff conversation.
For me, it was less about the things than it is about the memories associated with the things.
The division of stuff made the divorce real. Even before I was notified about it being filed, I knew what this division of stuff meant.
The TV. You know, the one that you watched movies on as a couple during countless “date nights.” Who gets that?
The china. You know, the dishes that your grandma bought for you when you were dirt-poor as a couple. Who gets those?
The dining room table. You know, your first piece of furniture you bought together as a couple. The place you hosted numerous diner parties with friends. Who gets that?
People who have never gone through divorce–especially an unwanted one–fail to appreciate how many of these soul-rending moments spouses have to walk through on their way to their separate lives.
And that isn’t even talking about all the pain that comes with dividing time with children (and beloved pets).
So much exists for the faithful spouse to grieve.
And I believe this process is harder for those who were truly and deeply invested in the marriage. They have more to loose as they gave more of themselves to the marriage.
The division of marital “stuff” is not “just” a matter of dividing things. It is the dividing of the heart for the invested partner who watches as their life together diced up between to households.
Call me Annie F-
Hi DM – I came across your blog about a year ago – you have saved my life, sanity – thinking it was “ME”. I was married 29 years, together 35 years – so a “Life time of memories”; was so the faithful spouse; yes he cheated, lied, stole, breaking many of the Commandments, and continues on after 2 years in his adulterous life. It really broke me, but your wonderful words of wisdom has pulled me through, made me stronger; the separation was toxic – DVO (domestic violence order in place) yes he just abandoned ME, three children, our wonderful life (I thought) we had it ALL- I never sort help from my church (catholic) as I do not believe they will give me the right advice – but your words are so correct, truthful, and you have even deepened my catholic faith – “Thank you”
Further to the above article – I would like to add – I have found it so benefical to “Clense”my house by getting rid of HIS stuff – anything that has memories attached to “him”; even washing the house down was theraputic – I felt truly empowered (I haven’t the strength to go through the photos yet of 35 years – so so sad; but he has done me a favour as he is narcasistic like his parents; I have been seeing a psycholgist since it happened, it was the best thing I did as I know “I” did nothing wrong – he has done me a favour; I look forward to my future with hope, we are still grieving but day by day we are all getting stronger. I am burying the seed of the past, and am awaiting for the new “Spring growth” as I know God has done this for a reason, but I will be treading forward with great caution.
God bless you, Mrs DM, your little Munchkin – thank you for your inspiration – you have really touched me personally and I am sure many will agree – there is no real support out there for the faithful spouse.
Please use parts or edit above accordingly – I look forward to your further articles cheers