Some people are just cowards.

“Why won’t he just own up and confess already? I know he cheated. “

-Exasperated faithful wife

In my experience, faithful spouses are tough and courageous people. They have gone through the fire and have had their amazing strength exposed.

Cheaters, on the other hand…

Some people are just plain cowards.

Faithful spouses are confused by why cheaters won’t own up to their offenses even when caught. Besides the power dynamics, I think another reason is at play.

They would have to face themselves in all their ugliness as revealed by acknowledging their sinful, treacherous deeds.

And quite frankly, cheaters are cowards who find such a courageous undertaking beyond their ability. So, they keep lying and denying to avoid looking in the mirror.

As stated before, we find that puzzling because we are a courageous bunch. Yet we forget that not everyone has that “intestinal fortitude” as my old football coaches would say.

The reason a cheater refuses to confess may not be for dark, plotting reasons. It may be simpler than that.

They choose to live in a fantasy world where they did not do the awful things they actually did do.

Confessing would mean giving up the fantasy. 

And that is more than a true coward is able or willing to do.

4 thoughts on “Some people are just cowards.”

  1. That is a real possibility here. I also think that it could be because I told him if I find out he really did cheat, that I would take his — for everything. And I will! I also think they are afraid of losing their reputation with family!

  2. I think the reason people don’t admit their fault and repent is because they don’t belong to God. The heart is deceitful above all things. The most difficult part to grasp is how they find arousal to be most pleasing within the darkness of sin. There isn’t one faithful spouse who wouldn’t love to be the object of desire to their spouse. Yet, they seek the arousal that defiles them in the eyes of God. If a little girl is abused, for instance, she associates arousal (a good feeling and a blessing from God) with an evil act (the situation of abuse she knows is wrong). Any further arousal later, even within a covenant marriage, is now negatively correlated. They can’t separate the blessing from the evil act. Only God can heal that mind, the one that has found pleasure in the dark places. If they don’t belong to God, they have no hope for healing. What is God expecting of us, those who longed to be the object of their desire, and are now left without?

    1. Good observation.
      A guest men’s minister at my church would definitely agree with you!
      He said that it is very difficult to help adulterers because they “confuse” lust for love.

  3. I recently had a conversation with my ex-husband in which I told him that my hope and wish for our marriage had been for us to be everything sexual to each other. He is one who has never confessed or repented of his cheating despite evidence. In contrast to cheating, I told him that I didn’t understand why anyone would want to be in a polygamous relationship, but at least the participants are aware of what is going on and on-board. I told him that it was very hurtful to me that he felt the need for a romantic and sexual relationship with another woman. The fact that he achieved sexual satisfaction by deceiving me was not at all what I had hoped for in my marriage. It was a form of reveling in and celebrating my betrayal. It shows the opposite of goodwill toward me. I also told him that when he had sexual relations with the other woman that it was equivalent to the psychological murder of me and that was very disturbing to me, considering I had done nothing but love him and try to make the marriage work. His response was to deny that he had ever cheated and that he did not know the other woman. He accused me of lying, which I recognized sadly as a projection. Obviously, I had been deceived for a long time about who he was and what I had. I realized that I never had a love with him that was just for me; he had just distorted my reality by making me believe it so that he could use me for whatever it was that he wanted.

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