PSA: The Doormat Is NOT the High Ground!

I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”

-I Corinthians 5:9-13, NIV

When adultery is discovered in the life of a Christian, it is not the time to make the cheater feel comfortable in the church. This is a time to set boundaries and call them to repentance.

The Apostle Paul is absolutely clear on this point in these verses from his first letter to the Corinthians.

Certainly, adultery qualifies as sexual immorality after all.

Too often, I notice a push to get the faithful spouse to “forgive” and the church to ignore the elephant in the room–i.e. adultery has taken place (and possibly continues taking place in front of everyone).

This is neither loving for the cheater nor the faithful spouse (and family). It minimizes the sin and encourages the cheater to continue down the road to the damnation of his/her soul!

I do not see the Apostle Paul advocating a doormat policy to such sexual sin in his letter.

He does not tell the Corinthians to just “forgive and forget.” Nor does he tells the Corinthians to make the church a welcoming place for an unrepentant sinner.

Does this make the Apostle Paul unforgiving? Does it mean he is mean and lacks love for the sinner? Does it mean he is taking the “low ground” by instructing the church to expel the sinner?

Absolutely, not.

He makes a radical move to actually hold Christians (and only Christians) accountable to what they say they believe.

In other words, he validates their choices and enforces consequences when they fail to live up their commitments. Does that sound familiar?

I do not see it as unbiblical to divorce a cheating spouse (Mt 19:9). And I consider that the case especially if adultery is ongoing in a professing Christian’s life.

The faithful spouse did not hold a gun to the adulterous spouse’s head when they got married professing exclusivity until death. Faithfulness is the bedrock of such a relationship and God decided death was not too harsh of a penalty if a spouse exploded that bedrock (e.g. Deuteronomy 22:22).

Adultery is serious.

It violates the freely chosen covenant between two people. The faithful spouse is enforcing a boundary if he or she chooses to divorce an adulterous spouse.

You see, divorce seems to be a merciful alternative to the death penalty. And divorcing an adulterous spouse may be the sort of act that brings spiritual healing to this person–i.e. the cheater–as he or she is faced with the consequences of his/her sin.

Being a doormat is not taking the high ground.

Better to be divorce and in Heaven than married and still adulterous in Hell.


*A version of this post ran previously.

5 thoughts on “PSA: The Doormat Is NOT the High Ground!”

  1. I don’t comment much but I read allllll the time and am blessed beyond measure to read what I know is true but keep forgetting in the wake of all the devastation…what I did not ever want I am faced with doing, drawing a line
    And saying no more to what I thought would never happen. Please keep writing as often as you can!!!

    1. I am planning on replying to your most recent comment as a stand alone post. Interestingly enough, God has been putting Piper on my heart of late. I suspect it might be connected to your situation.

  2. “But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.”

    I know this is the Word of God, and I absolutely believe that single Christians should TAKE NOTE and be sure they are not associating with anyone like this, especially not to date them. I’ve explained to my teens, “Don’t date someone you would not marry. It’s just too problematic.” So far, the younger ones haven’t. 🙂
    I do wonder if that scripture applies to spouses, because Christ Jesus only allowed divorce in cases where there was adultery.
    In the Proverbs, the Lord says, “Make no friendship with an angry man.” I have emphasized this to my children, because angry people have been a real issue in my own life.
    When I met my husband, he came across as the kindest, sweetest, most laid-back, easygoing person I had ever met. My dad was like that, we were very close, so this guy I met fit my picture of a wonderful husband. And he was this way consistently the whole time we dated. I saw him in some high-stress situations, and in every one of them he was as cool as a cucumber.
    It was only AFTER we married that I saw his temper come to the fore. Over all, though, he was still cool and calm more than 90% of the time. And when I did see his anger, it was not directed at me.
    It was almost 15 years before he became angry, unreasonable, embittered, uncommunicative, very hard to live with. By then we had two children and another one on the way.
    I have good reason to believe he has cheated on me — yes, the anger came out and became oppressive when the cheating began. One pastor refused to believe that he had cheated on me (I felt like I was in a good old boys’ club, if that makes sense), but then months later when it was literally time for that baby to be born, he approached me in the church hallway one Sunday to tell me that he had learned that my hub HAD cheated on me!
    By then, though, I felt I had no options. My parents were divorced, my dad lived alone in a tiny apartment with no room for anyone else. He would have gladly helped me if he could. My own mother was so angry, she was in a continual rage and berated me constantly whenever we had contact. She would spend $$$ on long-distance phone calls for an hour or more, screaming at me the whole time, literally hardly ever taking a breath. She had a nice home, had room for us, but there was no way I could subject my children to that. Plus, my oldest two (boys) were crazy about their dad and would have wanted to stay with him.
    So, that was that. I have stayed, hub has had at least two more “affairs” (I hate that word), but I *have* drawn the line in one way in which the Lord led me.
    I’m not arguing with you, Pastor David. I’m not questioning your blog. I’ve agree with virtually everything else you’ve said. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but there’s a scripture verse in Isaiah (I’m thinking it’s the last verse in Isaiah 52?) through which the Lord spoke to me, telling me it was time to quit being a doormat.
    I apologize for writing a book. 🙂 For ME, this is the bottom line: The Lord has been WITH me through all this time. The name Emmanuel has become so, so precious to me — words cannot describe it. He has given me so much grace and help and strength, and I do not feel like a victim because He has given me so much wisdom (in answer to prayer based on James 1:5) every single time I’ve needed it. I too am At Peace. GOD IS GOOD!

  3. Correction: That chapter is Isaiah 51, and it’s the last few (maybe three) verses that really spoke to me. That whole chapter is powerful to me, and Isaiah 52 is too. Isaiah 54 is especially meaningful to women who have been abandoned in any way, IMHO.

    I saw that another poster here is called Thankful, so I changed my posting name. God bless!

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