Silence Helps Evil

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

-Ephesians 5:11, NIV

I am several years removed from my divorce and all the sinful, destructive shenanigans my cheating ex pulled. In fact, Mrs. DM and I will be observing our 3rd wedding anniversary later this month.

So, why keep talking about my ugly past and all the madness around infidelity? I have a wonderful new life and new family.

The short answer to this question is that I feel God has called me to continue teaching on these matters. Part of my office as a pastor is to instruct God’s people with sound doctrine.

My experience is sound, godly instruction on matters of divorce and adultery–among other related topics–is very much needed!

Silence serves those who would rather keep these evil deeds and demonic tactics hidden in the dark where they can cause maximum damage–emotionally, socially, financially, and spiritually.

The writer of Ephesians, instead, charges us to expose evil deeds!

I have decided to faithfully walk out this call and this charge from Ephesians.

This leaves me open to criticism:

1. Some people may assume (wrongfully) that talking about these matters mean I am not healed and am causing damage to my new family and marriage.

Let me assure you that Mrs. DM is completely on board with this project. She has written here on the blog. And she responds to people herself–even though, lately, she hasn’t accessed her email (so please email me if you want to get her thoughts). 

This blog is not harming my marriage or new family, I assure you (and so would Mrs. DM if you asked her). This blog is my “hobby” not unlike marathon running is Mrs. DM’s. This just happens to be more artistic and intellectual in bent (as well as a ministry).

2. Some people may assume (wrongfully) my life is consumed and revolves around this blog and its topic of dealing with infidelity and divorce.

I am the ethics voice as well as head of chaplaincy for a fairly large senior living non-profit company in my home state. That day job takes up a considerable amount of my time and energy. And that is just my day job…I have various other hobbies and activities apart from writing this blog.

My point is that this blog is a small part of my life. Significant, yes. But it hardly consumes the majority of my time and life–whether in thinking or writing it.

3. Some people may assume (wrongfully) mentioning my ex and the ugly history means I harbor unforgiveness and bitter towards her.

This is such an awful and unhealthy myth perpetrated by church leaders and church people. It is harmful to faithful spouses because it aims to shame into silence anyone daring to share their infidelity survival story.

Faithful spouses need to share their stories in order to heal, Plus, they need to see from other healed faithful spouses that sharing such stories is safe (and they are not alone in experiencing such evil). 

Churches need to hear these stories, too. 

We do not learn by forgetting and never mentioning uncomfortable histories. I fail to see how the church will become holy and healthier as long as they continue to suppress these difficult personal histories.

Since its creation in July 2014, this blog continues to reach literally tens of thousands of people around the globe. The need and interest is there!

People do not just want what a therapist or psychologist has to say on the matter of infidelity and divorce. They are asking theological questions. People want to know God’s heart on these matters.

And they are discovering pastors who have not experienced these things often provide wonky (and unbiblical, IMO) advice. (Plus, that assumes they give any theological instruction and do not just hand them off to a therapist.)

This is a place for faithful spouses to receive teaching on infidelity and divorce from an evangelical pastor who has survived both himself.

I do not mind the critics because I know I am being faithful to God by writing this blog. Their judgment does not matter. God does, and I am convinced God is pleased with this effort of mine, indeed!

3 thoughts on “Silence Helps Evil”

  1. So later today I am having lunch with a lady who is a long standing acquaintance. I have found out through my husband’s latest disclosure that he saw her husband at a strip club once, many years ago. Experience tells me that the other husband’s misdeeds in this regard will only have escalated and she needs an STD check. I doubt either of us are going to get to eat much. I know it’s the right thing to do, so there is no question of me ducking out but… I really wish I didn’t have to do this… it ranks up there on the list of nasty things I have ever had to do. Wish me luck!

  2. Hooray! It went as well as could be expected and she did end up thanking me for telling her. She is going to get a std test and do a whole lot of checking of browsing history for porn etc. She was remarkably calm. I came armed with tissues and homeopathic calming pastels … none required. In fact I got triggered the most… I have CPTSD as a result of the drip feed disclosures of my husband’s sexual acting out.

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