Why am I not “healed” already?
-Faithful Spouse
So, it has been a year since you discovered your spouse was cheating on you.
You are wondering why you still get “triggered” and feel incredibly anxious.
Speaking from personal experience and working with faithful spouses, this is a fairly usual response to infidelity discovery.
Your world was rocked and what is safe to trust has been seriously undermined by your cheater.
It takes time and–possibly–professional therapy to heal from this sort of extreme trauma (Btw, I am not a therapist. Please seek an appropriate professional counsel as needed).
The real healing for me could not occur until my ex-wife was truly out of the picture.
So, if you are still married to a unrepentant cheater or regularly engaging in his mind “games,” this might be the reason for the ongoing sense of anxiety and stress.
You do not yet have the needed emotional and physical space to heal.
Now, I understand that some faithful spouses must continue engaging with the cheater because they have children together. You can still limit those interactions to the most basic of business transactions.
Treat your cheater, ex-spouse like you would your tax accountant. Comply with the law and civilly communicate only as much as is needed to get the job done.
Finally, be kind to yourself. You have just had your soul raped. Do you really think that sort of trauma disappears or heals overnight?
“Getting over it” is like getting over any loss. The more significant the loss, the more time it takes to heal.
You needing more time to heal does not make you defective, but merely reveals how deeply and wonderfully invested in your marriage, you were. That is a good thing.
Ultimately, the pain will lesson as you do the “grief work.”
However, I do not believe it ever really goes away any more than our memories of beloved departed friends or extremely traumatic events ever totally disappear.
It’s been almost three years and I now realize he totally destroyed me forever. To watch him get away with all this has been too much to bear. To watch the church we used to attend be okay with his adultery and lies — can’t trust the church either. A pastor who lied to me a few times. Where was God and why does He allow people who are supposed to be representing Him here on earth get away with this kind of behavior? What else is there left? Nothing. No hope for better days. No joy in life anymore. I fought my best, but I’m just done with life. Everything is so pointless and meaningless. My ex says he’s a Christian, but he seemed to take a certain pleasure in watching me self-destruct. All the “Christians” at church, standing back and letting him do whatever he wanted. No consequences for anything he did wrong. How can this all possibly be real? How can Christianity be real when the Christians who say they are followers of Jesus don’t act like Him or do what He says? The Bible says, “The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy…” but Jesus brings abundant life. My ex killed and destroyed me, but Jesus brought my ex the liar and adulterer what looks like abundant life. He’s with the woman he cheated on me with and everyone, including God, seems to be okay with what happened. I don’t get it.
God allowed the “church people” kill His own son, Jesus. They had power and continued to enjoy power after that event. My point is that allowing “church people” to abuse us does not mean God approves of their behavior. Plus, even though they appear to be getting away with it now, they will face a harsh reckoning in eternity (see 2 Corinthians 5:10 and Hebrews 10:26-27).
Also, I would encourage you to consider it a punishment that your ex married his cheater partner, NOT a reward! They will forever have to deal with the reality that both know they are capable and did cheat in order to start the relationship. And she took your morally bankrupt husband off your hands. He and she are not prizes. You are.
You are a faithful spouse. You are a person of character who has morals. That is highly valuable in this day and age!
Finally, I get having Christians–even pastors–turn on you. I had a pastor (former) friend continue to blame me even after learning of my ex-wife’s adultery. It hurts. But I understand this person is deceived and not acting in line with God’s perspective on the matter. The same is true for your former church and that pastor. I don’t blame God for that Judas-“friend” but rather leave him for God to hold accountable for his sins against me. I encourage you to do the same with those church people.
All of that is not to dismiss your feelings of injustice. It IS unjust. However, God sees it and will deal with the injustice whether now or in the next life.
Blessings,
-DM
PS Make sure you are safe. Life is worth living even if it is hard right now. Please reach out for help to someone you know if you feel on the precipice of despair. Call 911. Do not let Satan or the cheaters win by taking your life.
Me,
I am concerned for you because I have been where you are now. It will get better as you work your way through your experience. There is much to process and it is not possible to skip over the sometimes painful stepping stones to healing. Questioning how you have been treated and your adulterous spouse seemingly rewarded is one of those steps. The bible is full of questions about the prosperity of the wicked. You can look it up.
Part of what you are experiencing is spiritual abuse
I just listened to a podcast about this. It was helpful for me and maybe for you as well. I learned new information about the effect of trauma and how our bodies react to it. http://www.theliturgists.com/podcast/2017/5/16/spiritual-trauma
As Christians we are told that we are obligated to forgive. I think that understanding is is misleading. I think what Jesus was talking about was not about the other, but about our own healing from injuries we have suffered by the actions of others. Many people in divorce recovery groups my wife and I lead at our church found this series of five podcasts to be really helpful: http://robbell.podbean.com/e/episode-38-the-forgiving-flow-part-1-what-it-is/?token=f4638f348458a95f87091b25f2b97c37
Me, be good to yourself and please try not to be anxious by how long it takes to you heal.
Blessings!
Me,
I guarantee you that God is not okay with your X’s actions or that of the leaders of that church! God tells us to have nothing to do with people who profess to be followers of God but are not. God will judge them.
You are the one that He has set free! Ask God to expose the lies and to give you wisdom and truth! You are going to overcome this horrible attack on your soul -and spirit as Loren pointed out.
Those of us here on DM know how painful and traumatic this attack it is!
I began cancer treatment a year after Dday. The trauma of adultery and the attack on my soul was harder for me to accept and deal with than my cancer diagnosis, Chemo and radiation! People came out of the woodwork to support me through cancer treatment. But, not even a handful of these same good people had volunteered to help me as I struggled through the agony of betrayal and soul rape. In hindsight, I realize should probably have sought treatment for PTSD.
The pain and agony of it all climaxed for me around the 3 year mark of my Dday. I’m so glad that I did not give into the devil’s lies and condemnation (often spoken through people in the church).
You are going to overcome this and rise above it. You may be bent right now, but you are not broken (or destroyed). God sees you and loves you! You are beautiful and faithful. You will be stronger, even more compassionate, wiser, and discerning than before. Do not give up before the victory!! You are dearly loved!