Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.
-John 12:24, NIV
Letting go of a marriage ravaged by infidelity is hard.
I think it is made doubly so–unfortunately–in Christian communities because of all the spiritually abusive teachings on such matters (see post here).
Not only are Christians often struggling to accept the marriage is over with all the grief over the numerous losses but they also have to deal with a community hell bent on blaming them for the infidelity and following divorce.
It is unjust, but not uncommon!
Another part is how in our grief we want to believe in the miracle. We deny that what the cheater did is actually that bad and destructive.
The desire to take even a faint or half-hearted hint of remorse as enough has us scrambling for scraps from our abuser. Too often, Christian leaders are complicit in feeding such false hope by railing against divorce as ever an option even for adultery abuse victims.
Then there is all the fear from thinking what it will be like to be divorced (see post here).
All of these are reasons why this blog exists:
- To provide corrective biblical teaching to spiritually abusive–or just plain wrong–instruction on the matters of infidelity and divorce.
- To testify that life–even abundant life–does exist on the other side of divorce for faithful spouses.
But that does not mean you get to the other side without a struggle. It is okay to struggle. Many of us have lived there for a season.
But my prayer for you, dear faithful spouse, is that–when you are ready–you allow that “seed” to die letting go of what is really already dead in order that it might bring forth a harvest of many seeds.
I testify that such can and did happen in my own life. May you allow God to do similar work in yours!
It is really hard to let go when you’ve been married a long time with kids. The good Christian man you thought you knew has turned it upside down. You discover that post traumatic stress is very real. Pray for me as I am still dealing with all of this!
I’m sorry Marie. My world was rocked 6 yrs ago by my STBX selfish choices. My youngest son had just turned 11, and his world has not been the same either..the stability he knew was gone…to never be found again. 31 yrs married…and I’m staring divorce in the face…but that’s ok…I now want the divorce I never wanted. After Living in this hell for all these years ( this was his 2nd affair that I know of) I am done.
My advice to you…if your H is not TRULY repentant, and I don’t mean fake tears, nine times out of ten, those tears are for himself and the pain HE is in, not for the pain he’s caused you… if he’s not in counseling, with a GREAT counselor, NOT a church counselor who usually have NO idea what they are doing, and he is giving you sweet but empty words…and his actions are different than his words…get out. Now. Do not waste your time on him. Because all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable.
I tried for 5 yrs since his affair…FIVE yrs, and all I got were empty promises, fake remorse, lies, and now, he’s involved with another woman!
Men and women who cheat are selfish to the bone….and VERY few of them actually do the work of FULL, GENIUNE repentance…instead they make excuses, blame others, and hope it all goes away, so that THEIR lives won’t be impacted any longer!
Patrick Doyle is on YouTube…I highly recommend his videos…he GETS IT!! This one really explains how reconciliation works! https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLXl-iKoDBl299imZLFIwNLFy4t0a9s5e5&v=yrNVTZdipjE
Also, http://www.leslievernick.com Leslie also has a private FB group that you can join, that is so encouraging!!
Please know I will be praying for you!! Infidelity is a BEAST that destroys!
I’m so sorry lonely wife. I’m thankful that my children are older but we still have three at home. They are young adults and are working. It’s been nine months since I discovered that my husband had been hiding most of our savings. This was after 10 months of him trying to convince me that he hadn’t had an affair after a bunch of crap came out. I’ll spare you but honestly it was all circumstantial.
We had gone to two counselors thru all of this. The first was an old friend and a licensed counselor. After the second visit we found out his wife had left him as he was beating her. Can’t make this up! They are now divorced. Second man was an older man from church who really loves our family. He even saw it was all circumstantial. Honestly he helped in an odd way because he shared scripture with me and reminded me that God would bring darkness to light. Of course my husband told him the same thing. No affair. So we left and I knew we weren’t done yet.
Even though we had some terrible arguments and my husband had said some hateful things and had thrown me under the bus in front of our kids, he had Never Ever been physically abusive! My husband had groveled and apologized to me for all of it. Still denied an affair.
The day after the meeting with the older man from church, we were both home. He was self employed at the time. I had the cell phone in the study and decided to see if her number was blocked. It was supposed to be because in Jan. she had texted him about doing some work for her. This was Jan of 2016. He had shown me the text from her and I ended up texting her and letting her know that he would no longer be doing any work for her. Let’s just say we stayed civil but she knew where I was coming from. I never told her why I was questioning some things or that he’d been lying to me only about things in regards to her. I just asked her some specific questions that she apparently didn’t like so she told me she would be blocking our number on her cell and that her husband was aware of the conversation we were having. One of the last things she said to me was that she wouldn’t want to be in my shoes. I found that weird because I never mentioned the word affair!
So I immediately called my husband and ttold him to come to the park(where I was while texting) he was there in five minutes. I handed him the phone and he read every text. I asked him why I had to text her and he said… I was just defending my marriage. I asked if nothing happened why would I need to defend our marriage. He stuck to his same story. We didn’t argue. So , that happened in Jan. ( had to explain that)
A couple of months later we meet with this man from church. The next day I check the phone. Her work message goes on. I hang up immediately . 20 seconds later the text message from her comes….” The block has run out on my phone. I’m reblocking! Stop Harassing Me!”…. I tried to write back but it blocked quick so I went on her business FB page and sent this pm…” Same here Bitch!” Yep. I finally used that word and I immediately regretted it. I went out in the garage and told my husband it all. I just don’t mess around anymore… lol
I asked my husband why it wasn’t blocked. He had no idea. ( I did google later and the free block for that plan runs out after 90 days. I had never checked it before. I asked him why this stuff was still happening and why would she be so defensive when I hung up and never left a message. He actually said…. That was between me and her! …… Wrong answer!!! And I ended up completely losing it and informed him there was No me and her! He groveled and begged forgiveness.
Four days later he comes home from work and asks me to put my shoes on so I do and we get in the car. I had no idea what it’s about. He heads down the road and pulls out his cell and plays a message from the woman’s husband informing my husband that I’ve been harassing his wife for 3 months and it needs to stop. Of course the husband was nice but very firm! I was never so shocked in all my life! I could see my husband was furious! He informs me that we were going to their house to straighten this out.
I wish I had the presence of mind at that time to let him but all the months of this crap hit me and I had a major panic attack!! Never happened to me before but I screamed for a solid 5 minutes and clawed at the windows! Somewhere in there I managed to scream for him to go to the counselors house ( man from church) and he actually did. I can’t imagine what people must have thought as they saw us driving. I had no control over this panic!
We get there and I told the man Everything! Things I hadn’t told him the first time because I was trying not to throw my husband under the bus! He listened and I thought the man was going to have a heart attack! My husband was pacing the floor and for the first time in over 30 years of marriage I was afraid of him!
So this man- Mr. H…. listens intently while my husband paced and listened to me tell it all! I told him I wanted my husband out of my house! Mr. H reminds me it’s his house too! I told him I want him out of our house! Mr. H tells me that I could be sending him straight into the arms of the other woman! Do I really want to break up my Beatiful family? I remind Mr. H that it wouldn’t be me breaking it up!! Mr. H reminds me that it’s all still circumstantial. It really was at this point. My husband informs me that he’s never touched me ( hit) and he hadn’t but he won’t leave because he’s commuted to our marriage. We leave and I tell him it’s okay to go to those peoples house so we can talk to them. I can handle it now. He decides we shouldn’t because he now thinks they are weird and would call the cops. I don’t argue but try to talk him into it. I feel an incredible peace as we get home and know somethings about to happen.
We took our planned trip 3 weeks later to help his brother who lives out of state. We took our youngest son with us as was not the original plan. He wanted to go alone .I didn’t want to be alone with I’m for ten days so we took our son. It was a busy trip. We get home and he’s normal or so it seemed. He was working hard to convince me that life was normal again. Fast forward to the end of June. I had literally checked everything else! Credit card records, phone and no evidence.
One of the kids called one day and needed me to go in our big file cabinet to look something up so while in I pulled out our savings stuff and noticed money was being taken out. I put it away knowing he would be home in 10 minutes. Looked it all up two days later and discovered it was fourth thousand. Boom! My physical evidence finally! I met him in the driveway that night. I was calm! Only God!! He told me he had paid bills with it and I knew he was lying!
He came home from work early the next day and I told him he needed to tell me the truth or I was going to start telling people and the first would be our Pastor and then his dad! Finally he asked me to go for a walk. Kids were home. We did and he tries to tell me there is only twelve thousand left after bills and that he had it hidden for a new AC. He had forgotten that a few months before we had discussed how we would pay for a new AC and I told him that wasn’t going to work with me! He told me he’d get it from the attic. Yep, it was hidden in the attic! I left the house for a while to pray and sort this out! Came home and he showed me the 12 thousand. I asked him about the rest. He said it was gone. Bills. We live almost debt free and I’m not a big spender. I was planning on making copies of our bank stuff the next day! We went to bed exhausted but not fighting. I knew it would come out.
He needed to finish a job the next day and was taking our youngest son. As soon as they left, I checked and he had taken the money and bank records! I couldn’t even find a number for the bank as it was all gone! Finally got number and called bank only to see there was five thousand in there. I knew I needed to leave him. Hid my clothes and stuff in the woods next door and when my daughter came home at noon with our other car, I lied thru my teeth to her, drove down the road, got my clothes and left. Went to the bank and left him 500 because I was afraid they would call him if I took it all.
He knew within a couple of hours anyway because the stupid bank gave me an extra 100 accidentally and called the house. I went and bought myself a cell phone and checked into a hotel. i was gone for nine days! He finally started reaching out for help. Talked to my brother who is a Christian. Met with another guy from church. Met with our Pastor as the rumors were swirling. I didn’t care.
Talked to my kids on the phone and they were sad but okay. Talked to him. Watched him come to my friends house I was staying with, he didn’t know it yet and listened to him cry and grovel and apologize. I was in next room with door closed. He didn’t know. Met him for dinner one night after having long talk on the phone and he admitted he had all the money! A bunch came out. He still said no affair with this woman. He had been looking at porn pictures in his phone. Not videos as he was under our sons plan and was afraid he would see that. He said he hated himself for getting caught up in the porn. He continued all that time to go to church but hadn’t been in the word personally in a year. I had known that. There was junk going on at our church that had also been greatly discouraging. He admitted that he had considered leaving by himself (he said) because he hated himself. I told him we needed to find another counselor. He agreed! We have always known our Pastor is not a counselor. When he met with him, our Pastor of eleven years couldn’t even recommend a counselor! Just weird. He gave my husband a marriage.book. (Another story)
I came home after nine days because I was supposed to be going on a six day trip with my youngest son and his youth group. We had that planned for months and made the decision we would still go. It was a good trip and while gone, the company my husband used to partially own but had resigned from due to the economy stuff, called and offered him a good job. He took it. We had honestly not financially suffered those six years at all! I looked at the marriage book and saw that the man who wrote it attended a church about 30 min. away. My husband had been reading the book. The man wa back on the mission field but had trained people in that church for marriage counseling. I’m thinking there is hope.
Before he starts the new job he decides to take me to this nice resort about an hour away. We went for six days and honestly we had a wonderful time and I realized whatever had happened, that My husband wanted our marriage to work. It was our 34 th Anniversary. We talked and cried so much those six days. We got back and he started his job and it’s been a good job for him. He won’t go back to a counselor. Says we’ve dealt with it all and he’s told me the truth about everything!
He bought another car as he takes our older one to work and kids have one and I have our nice one during the day. We have this house and a rental home paid off and he makes a good income so I don’t work. I’m considering going back to college and he’s very supportive. I have always had access to our money. I trusted him.
I know longer trust him. He knows it and it hurts him but he knows I need time. I do check the other woman’s FBI page at times. She has me blocked from her personal one. A friend has given me access to her page and I check on that one sometimes. I seriously wondered if this woman was taunting me a few months ago on FB.
Apparently we go to the same place to get our hair done… lol and I recognized her as she was walking out the door with foil in her hair. She turned as she walked out the door and said bye bye to the ladies in the room. I was one of them and it hit me about 20 seconds later and I’m thinking it hit her too. She’s a workout queen and while I’m no dog, I’m not a workout queen. So she puts this thing up on FB that night recommending her friends who are personal trainers and shows the frames of a person and the progress and says something like… If you need it that you should just get started. She puts all bragging stuff on her personal and business page. She just loves herself.
The end of Nov. I’m up the road by her neighborhood ( yes I know where she lives and what she drives).. lol.. and I realize she just pulled off her street and we are about to pass each other in a very slow school zone. I’m in the shiny Beautiful truck that my husband drove when he worked with her. I’m pretty sure I had a smirk on my face when we passed. I was a little nervous honestly. I check her page several days later. ( I try not to look often for my sanity) … She had put up this post about looking for Christmas music and hearing this oldie on the radio… This is how she put it…. Looking for Christmas music today and ran across this old song. Haha! The Memories! How Fun!!
So, I didn’t click on from her page although she shared the link. I went on YouTube and looked. It’s an old song from Robert Palmer about Bad Case of loving you! Talks about sex in the summer and even sings about positions. I went back on her page and looked and she put this up on the day we saw each other!!
Really? She is supposed to be a Christian Woman! So honestly if she had nothing with my husband and she’s married too….. Who honestly puts up a song like that while you are looking for Christmas music If it’s something you are remembering from with your husband – show him or play it for him only!! All of this crap took place in the summer time with them working together!
She is really a freak! She has preached twice in her small church she attends. We have like 50 mutual friends and she already talked to two of them about what I texted her. One of them called me… another story. Can’t make this up! Her husband is nine years older than her. We are the same age as him but husband is honestly much cuter and doesn’t look his age! He used to put all weird stuff up on FB also. His word for the New Year was ” Restoration” ..,, I swear just weird!!
It took me 2 weeks to tell my husband about her song post! I was walking around so pissed! He sobbed and told me how sorry he was but once again assured me there was no affair and he’s told me everything! How I really want to believe him. I thought I knew him. I have told him that if I ever find out it happened, I’m gone!
Some days I feel like I’m crazy remembering what happened. We are also at a new church for several months now. The entire family’s choice!
There are times where I feel like he chose me. Or did he? I’m trying to put my life back together. He doesn’t have time where he goes off by himself ever! He didn’t before but he was self employed. Not now. Same job everyday same place. He calls me several times per day. Anyway…. Thanks for listening. I have honestly prayed long and hard and know that I’m to stay for now! Not sure if I’m crazy to do so..
Than you so much for sharing those links. I’m so sorry about what happened to you!
Marie,
I am 5 years out now from Dday and 4 from cancer. Yes, PTS is very real! I’m glad you are here with people who know how real it is! Hang in there.
After lots of reflection and quiet time with God recently, I was encouraged &comforted. God reminded me that FREEDOM is never easy! People fight and die for freedom! I thank God for setting my children and me free from cancer and the lies of X!
Your world and life has been turned upside down, but not destroyed! You are not alone and God is with YOU! He loves you & He is always faithful! He will see you through. ❤️🙏
I did not complete my comparison between Dday of who X really was and my cancer. The stress from the former was more traumatic than the cancer diagnosis! Dday, dealing with him & fighting for my kids was harder on me than the surgeries, Chemo & radiation.
May God be with you, Marie! Know you are not alone and are dearly loved.
-DM
Thank you all!
Thanks everyone! After writing a small book …. lol.. and trying to put it on here, it’s honestly best that it didn’t go through. I’m still here with my husband ( I did leave for a short period) but came home.
Will try to make this short. After 10 months of him trying to convince me of no affair ( all I had was circumstantial and some was just ridiculous) I finally discovered late last summer that he was hiding our savings . Forty thousand bucks! Yep!
I always had access to that and it was the only thing I hadn’t checked because I honestly couldn’t even fathom. I knew he’d been going thru something and was doing everything I could to help him. He was still kind and loving and he told me he loved me everyday when he walked out the door. He wasn’t being as intimate with me but I believed him when he said he was exhausted and getting older. All this blows up and he swears that’s not the case. When I discover the money gone and he lied again and I left him for a while.
It was really fun dealing with some young adult kids who were ticked off at me because I wouldn’t throw him under the bus. He supposedly confessed everything ( still denies affair) and I came home after going with our youngest sons youth group trip as we had originally planned. He showed me all the money. We have since bought another car but have the rest. He stays very accountable for that! He promised we would find another counselor.
We’ve been to two.First one was beating his wife and she left and divorced him. He was a licensed counselor and friend of ours. Second was an older man from church my husband picked after the mess with the first one. He loves our family. He just listened and told me to wait on God. We went to him twice and when I discovered the money gone I knew it would not work with this man.
My husband reached out to people finally when I left him. The main friend who was a huge help has left our former church and doesn’t speak to anyone one there. Including us. The whole thing is bizarre but we also ended up leaving that church a few months ago. Drama had been going on for a while and I had thought that was part of my husbands discouragement.
He won’t go back to counseling right now. He says he’s told me everything. I’m honestly still trying to understand about the money thing. He said he hated himself because he got caught up looking at pictures of porn only on his cell. He’s talked to a couple of friends about the porn issue. All of the money is accounted for. He says his pride almost destroyed our marriage!
Can a man really want to take his money and leave his family for that reason without another reason? That is what I struggle with now!