But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.
-John 3:21, NIV
Graphic pictures of compromising behavior seems to be almost needed to convince some pastors and Christians that a spouse is violating their marriage vows.
I will not forget trying to get another pastor to confront my (now) ex-wife about her affair. As part of my evidence, I had records of literally hundreds of messages plus hundreds of minutes spent in conversations between this strange man and my (then) wife.
This wasn’t enough for him.
Like the elders dealing with Rev. Bill Hybels (link here), this pastor suggested an innocent explanation might exist for this insane amount of communication between my (then) wife and the boy toy that I had never met.
There wasn’t.
She was banging him. This she confirmed to me much later in writing. I wasn’t imagining things. That was definitely NOT an innocent relationship.
My point in this is that pastors and Christians need to grow up and become less naive about these matters.
When a spouse is spending hours on the phone and exchanging hundreds of messages with another potential partner, this is not behavior compatible with Christian marriage. Minimally, this behavior is proof–in my opinion–of an emotional affair.
An innocent spouse does not keep such a significant relationship hidden from his or her spouse.
In other words, if the discovery of an extensive relationship with another person–i.e. a potential partner–comes as a surprise to the faithful spouse, you can be sure the other spouse is up to something ungodly in that relationship.
While we were in counseling with my now ex-pastor (the pastor who lied to me many times and also made me feel confused and crazy — where confusion is, the devil is present and actively working)–the pastor asked me to leave the room for about a half hour. I was then asked back in and the pastor said to me, “Martha, Cheater was brought up by a lot of women. He feels more comfortable with women, so that’s why he needs to have so many close female relationships.” I kid you not! And my ex just sat there with that smug look on his face as yet again, he won!
I was trying to point out to the pastor that there was a PATTERN of lying, cheating, adultery, porn and strippers in the 24 years I was with the cheater. Every single thing I brought up, it was justified in some way and I was told I was being unforgiving for bringing up the past. I was forgiving! I forgave so much over the course of all those years. I was just trying to show the pattern of behavior, but even that was turned around to condemn me.
My one theory is that pastors, supporters of the cheaters or the Switzerland friends don’t stand up for what is right is, because they have something to lose. While we were in counseling with the pastor, we were probably giving his church around $13,000/yr. Churches are businesses. Bills have to paid. Salaries have to be met. Much easier to love and not judge the adulterer who will continue to give big bucks to the church and let the faithful spouse feel like they have no voice and no one cares what is happening to them and their marriage.
Bill Hybel’s and staff seemed to have a pretty nice job and lifestyle. All those trips they get to go on for their ministry — that’s a pretty sweet deal. I’d like to see their homes and what they own. I’m sure it would be pretty tough to give up that lifestyle by standing with the truth and supporting his victims.
This is just one of the many reasons why I think people stick-up, justify or cover-up/turn a blind eye to the cheaters behaviors. Whether it be the relationship with the cheater, social status, a job, money, etc, they just don’t want to lose something.
Jesus tells us in Luke 14:25-35 that we have to give up everything to follow Him. We may lose our family, possessions — everything is on the table. And we need to be willing to do this in order to be his disciple and to follow Him. We need to be willing to leave our comfy lives and stand-up for injustice and be willing to lose everything in doing so.
I have had a lot taken away from me by my ex and I purposely stood-up for what is right, and in by doing so I have lost even more. But I don’t care. I know what God cares about. The Bible is clear what that is. Jesus was also clear that if we are to be His followers, then we will be hated just like Him. We will be rejected just like Him. We have to be willing to be treated like Jesus did to be a follower of Him. Matthew 10:24 “A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master.”
I personally believe that some pastors and Christians won’t have a heart for victims of adultery and abuse until it hits home to them in some way. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind if I was my ex-pastors daughter, that I would have been treated differently and my ex would have been treated differently. But I was of no value to the pastor, so I got lied to and manipulated into feeling like I deserved what was happening to me.
I find comfort in Jesus’ words when He says we will be hated for following Him. I am hated. I’m hated by people who say they are Christians. They would never come out and tell me they hate me, but their ACTIONS say that they do. They don’t like to be called out on their sinful behavior. They don’t like the light shining on their deeds, so they hate with their words and rejection. And that’s exactly what they did to Jesus. I’m in good company with Jesus. 🙂
Thanks for posting this and setting the record straight. Your honesty is appreciated and also rare.