Allure of Premature Forgiveness

…and if you see him going the wrong direction, cry out and correct him. If there is true repentance on his part, forgive him.

-Luke 17:3, TPT

What I find interesting is how much advice is given about forgiveness for faithful spouses as if this is the hardest part–convincing faithful spouses to forgive.

I don’t think it is.

In my experience, faithful spouses are eager to forgive their cheater to their own detriment. They are willing to forgive without repentance. It is a premature forgiveness.

When your world is spinning out of control because of the cheater’s sins, you are willing to do almost anything to return to “normal.”

That is the dangerous allure of premature forgiveness:

You think by offering forgiveness that maybe you can return to the way things were. The problem is that is never possible. Forgiveness does not magically erase history or undo the trauma. It will have to be a new normal whatever happens regarding your marriage union.

Another part of the premature forgiveness is the part where one offers “forgiveness” not really taking stock of the wrongs or losses. I put “forgiveness” in scare quotes because you cannot forgive an unknown wrong.

This is again part of the temptation to live in denial that faithful spouses need to fight for their own good.

I am a pastor and support efforts to engage in the process of forgiveness. However, I do not endorse ungodly forgiveness or efforts to deny the pain of victims.

A faithful spouse ought to take stock of the wrongs and losses.

Then they can more clearly see if the cheater is repenting, which is a biblical prerequisite for forgiveness according to Jesus in Luke 17:3. Plus, this positions them to offer real forgiveness for wrongs that they now see.

Sadly, many cheaters will never even say sorry for raping their spouse’s soul. They reserve their feelings for themselves. It is sad but true. In those cases, the best faithful spouses can do is hand the sin debt over to our good, just God for Him to handle.

 

 

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*A version of this post ran previously.

3 thoughts on “Allure of Premature Forgiveness”

  1. I can’t say I know the length and breadth of my spouse’s infidelity. They’ve never told me or offered to provide me with the actual truth. They’ve also never repented in the biblical sense, because they’ve never tried to make amends with me.

    We just stayed married, but now I realize even our marriage only exists as a primarily civic arrangement sanctioned by the state. There’s really not much beyond that.

    1. What do you do with this?
      I came here tonight because I am desperate. As I get closer to God I realize that doesn’t guarantee an answer about what I am supposed to do. My husband acts as if we’re fine everything is fine but it’s almost INSANE. What is your problem, “why is something always wrong?” It was never “fixed” to begin with!
      What do you mean we dont say goodnight unless it’s me being condescending because I don’t even get that!
      It’s me literally running my own feet and shoulders right in front of him. It’s barely ever making eye contact, it’s eating in separate rooms sleeping at different times, NO dates. ALL excuses. Well, you’re in school, work late, on computer, etc you name it he will throw it at me when I ask. It shuts everything down because I would put us above everything if prompted just a little.
      Even though he cheated. I don’t know everything just that I was already married 9 years or so upon discovery- with a step daughter age 12 who calls me mom.
      He tells me April 3, 2020 that he was cheating SIX years ago with her (his daughter) mom. Then Covid .
      I was in shock. The ULTIMATE bs was to tell me after a supposed six year period!! What I’m the actual (he@$) am
      I supposed tho think feel act??? I acted like an idiot. Uncontrollable anger screaming fighting sobbing. Sleeping in the other room about a month. We came together realizing we were lonesome, confused, trapped by the created senseless pandemic. And just “adapted”
      Now I am so frustrated because all his efforts are dead. We eat same dinner. Work. Sleep. I want so much more but I need to be healthy and we’re limping along. My chest is heavy and I still feel
      Like it would be devastating to actually LEAVE. WHY? Support people and DM, why would I fee this way? Please help🙏🏼🩷

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