And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. -Matthew 5:41, NKJV In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. -Matthew 23:28, NIV When dealing with a “Christian” cheater, another level of complexity is placed on Christians … Continue reading “Pharisee or Enemy? Categories matter.”
Category: Trauma of adultery
Another Podcast Resource: “Therapy and Theology”
Recently, someone alerted me to an excellent podcast on infidelity discovery and betrayal trauma in general. It is Lysa TerKeurst’s podcast. Her podcast is “Therapy and Theology” and this particular season is Season 7 as they tackle to topic of betrayal. I listened to the first episode entitled “I’m Afraid I’m Being Betrayed” and found … Continue reading “Another Podcast Resource: “Therapy and Theology””
Temptation to write off all…
When the infidelity betrayal is fresh, a temptation exists to write off an entire gender. I think this is very common for faithful spouses. I think it is part of the grief process. We feel vulnerable and betrayed. The trauma of it all makes us want to avoid putting ourselves in a place where … Continue reading “Temptation to write off all…”
Pure Escapism!
Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? -Proverbs 6:27, NIV Pure Escapism I think it is important for faithful spouses to remember that their Cheater is indulging in fantasy. Their illicit relationship is not based in substance and therefore is doomed from the start. It is escapism. Instead of … Continue reading “Pure Escapism!”
Letting go of trying to limit their destructive path
One of my most important and hardest lessons that I teach is… You only control you. I think it is a common impulse to seek to warn others about your ex. This is especially true–I think–if they are in the helping professions where people are vulnerable to them. The impulse to do this–at least for … Continue reading “Letting go of trying to limit their destructive path”
Cheaters are NOT the victims.
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! -I Corinthians 6:15, NIV Cheater, you are the aggressor, not the victim, here! For whatever reasons, people are often taken in by the pity story a caught cheater spins … Continue reading “Cheaters are NOT the victims.”
Cheater-Speak: “What happened?”
“What happened to us?” asks Cheater. “You cheated, and so, we divorced. It’s pretty simple,” says Faithful Spouse. Cheaters asking this question are not asking for information. They are attempting to shift blame onto you, faithful spouse. Your current marriage ending narrative makes them look bad; so, they are attempting to manipulate you into accepting … Continue reading “Cheater-Speak: “What happened?””
The Problem is not a problem to them.
When Cheaters go to pastoral counseling with their victims, they may have no interest in actually dealing with The Problem. They have successfully convinced themselves that the cheating was caused by circumstances outside of themselves. Cheaters might even blame their spouse for the cheating (see “The Shared Responsibility Lie“). These sessions are doomed. The cheating … Continue reading “The Problem is not a problem to them.”
Disturbing Dream
This morning I awoke from an unusual dream for me. In my dream, I saw my ex and her family. This triggered panic in my heart–i.e. my fight or flight response. Now, I haven’t seen these people for over a decade. Yet the mere invoking of their image in a dream STILL has the power … Continue reading “Disturbing Dream”
NOT about the other–faithful–spouse!
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. -Hebrews 13:4, NIV The affair is never about the other–i.e. faithful–spouse. I know this is a controversial thing to write. But it is true from a pastor’s perspective. We know this truth from … Continue reading “NOT about the other–faithful–spouse!”