Rebuilding trust WITH YOURSELF!
If you are at all like I was, it was particularly disorienting making all the awful discoveries knowing the infidelity had been going on for some time. While it obliterated trust with one’s Cheater, it also undermined one’s own trust in self.
How could I have missed this for so long? Why did I turn a blind eye to what is so obvious (now) as sketchy behavior?!
One of the biggest losses of having a Cheater is losing one’s trust in one’s self. It is one of the many blows that come with those awful discoveries.
So, how do I rebuild my trust?
Begin by being kind to yourself. Maybe you could not handle this disaster when you were seeing signs and your mind/body was protecting you? There may be very good reasons for why you did not “see” and address the cheating at the time.*
AND–most importantly–do not forget someone–your Cheater–was actively deceiving you!
I’ve read or heard somewhere that spotting liars is hard even for experts. Sadly, some Cheaters are expert liars themselves. They excel at the double-life, and we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves that we did not uncover their duplicity early on.
Back to rebuilding trust with oneself:
1. What I found helpful was leaning on the wisdom of people who had proven their safety and support of me.
2. I also decided–when I was ready to date–to utilize an online service that matched for compatibility as I no longer trust the usual random meet up method (By the way, this worked as I met Mrs. DM, and we’ve been married for over a decade!).
3. You need to find a way to forgive yourself. I know this may be especially hard. But remember–again–you were used and deceived. Try to be the kind of friend to yourself that you’d be to a friend in real life.
4. Grieve the loses. See them and acknowledge them. Allow yourself to recognize that you loss some things very precious to you, and that it is okay to miss them.
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*I would remind faithful spouses not to stick your head in the sand, though. Your Cheater can still leave you in your vulnerable state–especially in no fault divorce states. It is best to plan for the worse.
