“Well, what do you know?” says Cheater.

This is a clear sign that your Cheater is in full-blown damage control. They want to know what is known so that they don’t “over” confess. Plus, they want to know where the leaks are so that they can plug them.

I do not recommend showing all your cards in these scenarios. Your Cheater is trying to grab back power as knowledge is power.

My Cheater wanted to know how I knew about her affair partner “friend.” In the moment, she was suggesting we do one more couple’s therapy session in order to give me an opportunity to disclose how I knew. I did not reveal how I knew–i.e. a rare moment where I did not fall for her manipulations in my divorce–but I suspect she figured it out on her own or with help from her family.

A repentant Cheater makes a full disclosure and is not concerned about how much is known by their victim. They open the books, so to speak.

If your Cheater is concerned about what you know and how, they are still in the grip of sin and are trying to control the narrative. You have given them a shock that they no longer have complete control via keeping you in the dark.

As the victim of their deception, I would remember to disclose the minimum to them:

“I know you are cheating on me with John,” says Faithful Spouse.

“What exactly do you know?” asks Cheater.

“No, this is not the time I tell you what I know, and you continue to lie,” says Faithful Spouse. “YOU cheated and don’t get to ask me questions any more. Those days are over. You are the cheating aggressor in our marriage and can either come clean now or tell me by your silence that you choose sin and evil over godliness.”