Arguing Over Why You “Deserved It”


A sage trying to work things out with a fool
    gets only scorn and sarcasm for his trouble.

-Proverbs 29:9, THE MESSAGE

Arguing Over Why You “Deserved It”

This is a wasted argument.

It is like talking with someone with your face still bleeding and him/her asking you what you did to deserve having your partner punch you in the face.

You are arguing with a fool at that point.

Same thing when it comes to adultery. It is worse than a bloodied face. And the wounding is just as intentional–or worse than–a punch in the face.

Anyone–cheater or cheater apologist–trying to argue with you over “your part” fails to recognize this fact. Even by asking for “your part,” they are signaling a belief that adultery is justifiable to some degree. That is a wicked assumption.

In my opinion, it is not worth arguing with such people.

Tell them that arguing over “your part” over being soul raped is an insensitive and ungodly question as it assumes the adulterous spouse was justified in victimizing you. If they are unwilling to grasp that, then it is best to walk away.

As Scripture says, all you will get is scorn and sarcasm from them.

It is not worth the argument.


4 thoughts on “Arguing Over Why You “Deserved It””

  1. Thank you for this! Even in Divorce Care-and I went to two different ones-I was told I needed to own my part in the failing of my marriage. I could not get them to understand that it was not my fault that he had numerous affairs. But you know what? My pastor was spot on. He told me to divorce him! He told me I could have been the worst wife on the planet, but that did not give my husband the right to do what he did. My church was a strong support for me and my children. The one good thing that did come from the Divorce Care groups was new friends. The class itself was not as helpful for what I was going through.

    1. Gibbie, my wife and I taught DivorceCare for 8 years. You are right that DC emphasizes shared responsibility, but we did not apply that to adultery and other destructive choices made by ones spouse. We have given up on DC since the last revision when they incorporated “biblical counselors”.

    2. I had a minister suggest I divorce too. When I finally did, he congratulated me. That tells you how bad the situation is. It’s not everyday that a minister thinks you should divorce.

    3. Yeah, Gibbie, that was one major part of DC that bothered me and caused some issues with my own healing process. It strangely misses the mark–IMO–Biblically on that number furthering “The Shared Responsibility Lie.” It is too bad as that is about all there is–curriculum-wise–for Christians needing support following infidelity discovery and possibly divorce. Maybe they’d be willing to let me share my perspective in it someday? Ha. IDK. Glad you found some friends, though.

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