While he was still speaking a crowd came up, and the man who was called Judas, one of the Twelve, was leading them. He approached Jesus to kiss him, but Jesus asked him, “Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?” – Luke 22:47-48, NIV
Discovering adultery is a punch-drunk experience. It is soul rape. And it leaves one incredibly disoriented wondering what is true and real. Who can one trust anymore if one cannot trust the person who pledged lifelong fidelity to you?
And if discovering adultery is not disorienting enough, soon one faces the challenge of sorting through friends and family for people who are true friends or only offer Judas-like betrayal.
Et tu, Brute?
You, too, Brutus? As the metaphorical knife goes into the back.
Surprises are likely in the early stages. I know I had my fair share. From trusting a (former) friend from seminary who turned on me refusing (even in knowing of my ex’s adultery) to call her to repentance and support the marriage to an undergraduate (former) friend who refused to retract an especially hurtful statement blame-shifting upon me for the dissolution of a marriage that he later knew was ravaged by my ex’s infidelity. These betrayals were part of the trauma experienced through my ex’s adultery and the divorce.
Adultery discovery is an lesson in choosing friends wisely.
Responses separate the wheat from the chaff.
A James from a Judas.
Sadly, I do not have anything to offer you in knowing who to trust. Time together before discovering adultery does not always prove who is worthy of trust as I learned. We all have baggage and often times it is hidden. I am convinced much of the poor responses I received from others came in the form of unprocessed baggage on their part. It still did not make it less hurtful realizing this. But it did make it less personal.
Going forward, I encourage you to allow responses to tell you who is trustworthy. Start slowly and then open up more if the proper empathy is demonstrated.
Don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake.
It’s an art, not a science.
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. – Proverbs 17:17, NIV
May you find such friends and spiritual brothers/sisters in your time of need.