Dear Divorce Minister,
My wife, soon to be ex-wife, has consistently been meeting with one of our best friend. This guy has a Master’s in counseling and he and his wife counseled us for a couple of months about a year ago. The interesting part is that after we decided to seek other counseling the guy completely stopped all forms of communication with me and he was one of my closest friends! My wife, however, kept meeting with him and I have written evidence that he is ‘helping’ her through divorce. Even my kids look up to this guy.
Am I over reacting in thinking this guy (one of our closest friends- or so I thought) is have an emotional affair with my wife?
She would no longer speak to me about the issues we had in our marriage, many of which were my fault. No question she was getting the emotional support some where besides me. Wouldn’t a Christian counselor recognize that they have clearly chosen sides and it would be best to send the wife back to the husband so they can work things our? What God has bound let no man separate…..
I expect to be served divorce papers any day now. I never wanted this, but knowing she had been ‘emotional’ with this person makes it easier to say goodbye. Thanks in advance for any insight you have in to this matter as my reasoning has been distorted given the emotional nature of these circumstances.
-Mike
Dear Mike,
This does sound very fishy to me. Let’s unpack what you wrote,
This guy has a Master’s in counseling and he and his wife counseled us for a couple of months about a year ago. The interesting part is that after we decided to seek other counseling the guy completely stopped all forms of communication with me and he was one of my closest friends!
It is possible that he is maintaining some professional boundaries. However, it is odd to do so now. He could have told you that he does not counsel close friends and their wives at the beginning.
You continue,
My wife, however, kept meeting with him and I have written evidence that he is ‘helping’ her through divorce.
This might be why he has stopped talking with you, Mike. He might feel like he could not keep your wife’s confidence while maintaining a relationship with you….OR…
…He is possibly involved with her and possibly more than just emotionally.
You ask,
Am I over reacting in thinking this guy (one of our closest friends- or so I thought) is have an emotional affair with my wife?
No.
Your gut is telling you something, and I believe you have enough reason to believe your gut’s warning. In fact, it might be worse than “just” an emotional affair. Hopefully, this is not the case. But I want you to be prepared for the possibility.
You continued,
She would no longer speak to me about the issues we had in our marriage, many of which were my fault. No question she was getting the emotional support some where besides me.
I hate to say this, but this a classic warning signal that an affair is occurring. This is the sort of behavior my (now) ex-wife exhibited while cheating with the dude I later discovered was her months-long, adultery partner (She later admitted this in writing to me). It was the earliest signal to me of that affair.
The emotional (and sexual) needs do not just disappear overnight. Those energies have to go elsewhere if they are not going towards strengthening the marriage. It is a good chance those needs are going in an illicit arena especially since your wife is meeting with a “good” friend of the opposite sex.
Wouldn’t a Christian counselor recognize that they have clearly chosen sides and it would be best to send the wife back to the husband so they can work things our? What God has bound let no man separate…..
This assumes he is not benefiting from separating your wife from you. He may simply be playing rescuer to her “damsel in distress” story. That strokes his ego. And that assumes he isn’t in a full-blown affair with her.
If he is having an affair with her–emotional or otherwise, then it makes perfect sense that he would want to separate you from his lover, your wife. In that case, he would want her to himself.
The long and short of this, Mike, is that something is off. God gave us our intuition for a reason. Since your intuition is warning you that she is cheating with him–even if only emotionally–then I would listen to that intuition.
If this former “friend” is sexually involved with your wife, then he has violated professional boundaries and risks professional censure. In fact, I believe it may even be illegal(NOTE: I am not a lawyer here, and this is NOT legal advice).
Whatever is going on, I would encourage you to prepare yourself for the divorce. I would make sure you are tracking your financials closely.
For your peace of mind, it might be helpful to quietly dig to see if more is happening with your wife and this counselor. Look for irregularities in the phone records. Are they meeting outside their “professional” time together? Things like that.
Sorry for the dire assessment, but I believe it is better to face reality than be played for a fool.
-DM
Dear Divorce Minister,
I was googling today just to see if there was anything else that the Lord would want me to know. This letter from Mike is the exact reversal of my story.
11 years ago, I was a wealthy woman with business interest and income that exceeded $1.2 mil per year, At that time my first husband has abandoned me and 4 children, i was gainfully employed at my career position with the federal government with 19 out of 33 years in to the job. This year would have been my year to retire with an retirement income of over 3k per month for the rest of my life.
Well after the divorce, I worked the business, and still stayed employed on my job. My then Pastor and I were very good Friends, i mean he was the best friend that I had ever had in my whole life. No one could tell me anything different. Well he had gone on a ministry trip and was gone for a while, so I went to support the revival he was holding, as I had always done since the ministry had opened. I was one of the first ones to become part of the ministry, and during the time I had become an elder in the church. Well, on the way back from the trip he rode with me back home, and while we were driving he told me that the Lord had said that we could marry. Well, at that time i was a little shocked because we had never gone in that direction over 8 years of ministry, building ministry and growing in the Kingdom of God and teaching the word, it came as a shock to me. He walks in the Prophetic, and is truly a real Profit of God. So after we got home I pondered the idea and prayed Lord if this is to be, then teach me how to love him the way that he needs for a wife to love him. I believed what he had told me.
Well after we continued to talk about it he laid out his requirements for his wife, no full time job we are to build the ministry and the ministry will take care of us, well needless to say, I put in for the early out at my job and was approved with a bonus of 25K to top it off, He then said to pull out all of my funds that were in retirement and we would use it to build the businesses. Well I did then 2009 hit and the bucket fell out of the whole world. I lost my complete income by mid 2009, with no money, retirement package and the church was going though due to the fall in the economy, we were now officially broke, all the money I had pulled out was spent, and I still had 3 children to finish raising. My oldest was finishing college and had a good job. I sunk into a depression.
10 years, menopause, raising children and step children we are in the year 2016, I knew we had challenges but we had always made it though so I thought. In 2013 he began to complain that I was not pulling my weight with the finances in the family, so he found me a job with one of the wealthy families of our city and I began to take care of a prominent woman in our city my pay was about 2k per month this lasted 4 to 5 years. I was able now to pull my weight, and things moved on. But, in 2016 it all changed. My (Gut…lol…) began to since something was wrong. The members of the church had began to cut themselves off from me. During that time one of our church couples had come back to the ministry and she began to converse with my husband and he did counsel them both, but then I noticed that he would be talking to her all the time, day night, wee hours of the morning, befor she went to work, once she left home at her lunch, and after she got off of work. Well the story came to a eruption, the husband found out about the calls and questioned her, she told him that she loved my husband and would wait 5 year for him. Well the husband called me, and told me what was going on. I then called my husband and he had already known what was happening, he said we need to talk. Well at that comment my hear sunk, we met at home and he explained to me that this assignment was a hard one, and that he had found himself in love with her. He did not want a divorice at that time, I did not either. We continued to work at the marriage, but he was absent from the effort. He then began to go out with her and a group of church members,they would go out to dinner, bowling and he would meet her at the gym after 10 pm.
Well I questioned him about the appearance of evil, and not letting our good be evil spoken of etc…. Well he would say what is wrong with it, he was not doing anything and he did not want to stay stuck up in our home all the time starring at the walls, and he was not old…. etc. Well we continue, one day he told me that She had stopped having relations with her husband, and that we were going to stop having relations too. Well, now that was a kicker. I still held on, praying asking the Lord to intervene, I kept on going to church, she after services she would go to his office and they would shut the door, and be in there for quite some time. I watched, broken hearten and began to get angry. October of 2016 She presented her husband with divorce papers and told him to move out. Well the divorce was final in 90 days after that. So that puts us in January of 2017 by November of 2017 my husband also has moved out and is now living single. I don’t believe that ministers of the Gospel are to succumb to the flesh, i don’t believe that as an example to the people that we minister to that we are to give in to the weakness of our flesh, I do believe in the power of God to turn any thing around.
But My husband told me that he no longer loved me and did not want to be married to me. He had also ministered to the congregation, He stood her up in front of the church and said, if God were to bring them together, then what was wrong with that…. He kept on from Jan 2017 till he left our home in November 2017 ministered and basically told the congregation that our marriage was only for a season, and since he was the leader of the ministry, that he knew what God wanted from him and me.
Well here we are July 2018, separated, I now work a job with no benefits, no retirement and all of my savings are gone. During this time money was spent on items that he would eventually either loose or give away or allow it to deteriorate. Even the Home that we lived in is in such need of repairs that i am trying now to get in a situation that I can manage on my own.
Now in the past months, God has blessed me with grandchildren for me to nourish and keep my mind occupied, while God himself came in and healed my heart. I did step down from ministry since December of 2017 and just stayed at home , i go to work and take care of the babies. I have seen God do might things in this past year. I had gotten to a place that I wanted him and her gone from this earth. But my God is merciful, I can say that I am no longer bitter, angry, and in a pit that I cannot get out of. I have questioned God about this. How could this happen, was I blind to think that we would overcome all things and still be able to minister married? I don’t know that yet, but I do know that you are right…. God gives each of us a natural defense that is our inner intuition, that deep down gut feeling that you just cant shake. When no matter what any one says you see the truth, and know it too. But they deny it all. My question after all of this is My husband want a divorce, I don’t believe in divorce between believers, So he ask me what do I want, I told him, I want to be restored back to where I was in the beginning of our marriage, before he got my money and spent on what ever and now I am without what I had worked so hard for, I want our home repaired and I want him to make sure that he keeps the promise he made to me in the beginning, that we would be taken care of…. I trust in the Lord to lead me and protect me, but God did not make the vows to me and promise that if I would sacrifice in the beginning all would be fine later. That is not what I am getting.
Am I expecting to much?
Terri
Handmaiden of the Lord
I decided to do a post in response to your comment. My response can be found here: http://www.divorceminister.com/dear-divorce-minister-am-i-expecting-too-much/
Thank you Divorce Minister-
As much as I hate to admit it I think your counsel is accurate. I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I know that God will use this for some good in my life (Rom 8:28), but right now it just looks like a bloody mess.
We suffer to heal…
Mike