Dear DM,
When you say you had to learn to love yourself quirkiness, introvertness and all – do you mean that you struggled with blaming yourself for your ex’s rejection?
I’m 5 years out and have definitely been blessed by God since the divorce. I still have this anxiety about it having been my fault due to my quirks and faults. I was a dedicated loving wife (I am again too!). I have to co parent with my ex still, so he’s still in the air so to speak.
How did you do it, day to day?
J
Dear J,
You wrote,
When you say you had to learn to love yourself quirkiness, introvertness and all – do you mean that you struggled with blaming yourself for your ex’s rejection?
Yes and no.
I think the most lasting damage done by cheaters is not the cheating. The lasting damage done is the lies they seed into our hearts about who we are.
For me, I struggled to put to bed the lies about being defective for needing alone time and not having any interest in the drinking/nightlife scene. Part of my healing was learning that being an introvert is a valid and healthy way of being. It also happens to be who I am.
Early following my divorce, I instituted a night home alone by myself each week. This was a time when I embraced and celebrated my introverted nature. I stayed home with my cat, made pizza, and watched a movie.
Another thing to keep in mind is our faults and quirkiness are not what Scripture teaches us as marriage ending behavior–unless faults means abandonment or sexual infidelity.
I know the secular culture and even some Christian leaders suggest otherwise. However, that is not godly thinking. A godly spouse would have kept their covenant and worked through those faults and quirkiness with us.
That is what I believe in part the whole “for better or worse” means from the marriage vows.
When it comes to healing with an ex in the picture due to kids, I would recommend minimizing contact as much as possible. Use scheduling software and be respectful but brief at hand-offs.
It is hard to heal if you still have to deal with an ex’s “noise” about you. That voice needs eviction from your mind.
You closed with a question:
How did you do it, day to day?
I was fortunate not to have kids with my ex-wife. So, I had the luxury of zero contact–more or less–to heal.
Barring that–as in your situation–I took the time to learn about myself. I took personality tests and read books that had positive things to say about the strengths of being introverted.
Day to day, I would encourage you to identify the lies said about you and have a ready made answer to “say” internally.
For example, my ex tried to paint me as a (potentially) physically abusive man. I am not. It was an is a lie about my character.
Recognizing that was helpful in dealing with the accusations that she was “justified” for divorcing an “abusive” husband. That whole narrative is based on a lie. And I do not have to agree with those lies.
I don’t know what tailored lies were said to you about your divorce. But I recommend confronting them with the truth. Remember, he had other options than to cheat on you to deal with faults or quirkiness.
No one forced him to marry you, and he owed it to you per his vows to work through whatever the issues were instead of cheating on you.
Hope that helps!
-DM
