Sometimes it is easier to understand basic morality if we frame a situation differently. We are creatures who are easily caught by our own self-justifications and own excuses.
Here’s a modern day parable:
John and Robert are life-long friends. Their friendship started in grade school when Robert stood up to another kid trying to take John’s lunch money. They have been inseparable since.
After both graduated from university, they started a computer business together. John–being excellent with numbers–handled the bookkeeping, and Robert–being superb with people–handled the marketing and sales for the successful business. The partnership was a tremendous success.
As the years progressed, John acquired a taste for expensive things. In order to feed his desires, John started skimming money from the company’s profits. After a year or two, he realized he had a problem. He had taken over $100,000 from the business.
Even Robert–who is not especially financially astute–started to suspect something seemed off with the numbers. John knew he had to stop.
Now, he has to make some decisions. Knowing Robert will likely never figure out how much he took, does John tell Robert of the theft? Or does John just quietly start to pay back what he took? John tells himself that he does not want to hurt his friend by telling him about his theft. So, Robert still does not know.
The partnership of this parable is marriage. John’s sneaking theft of assets is parallel to a spouse cheating on their partner. They have stolen trust, emotional energy, safety, and often money as well from the marriage.
What should John do?
First, I believe John is deceiving himself about the disclosure. It is likely true that he does not want to hurt Robert. However, that is not the REAL reason he does not tell Robert. John is afraid of the consequences that come with the disclosure.
Not telling a faithful partner is less about protecting them and more about mitigating the consequences that come with infidelity, in my opinion.
John needs to tell Robert. Think what will happen to those consequences if Robert finds out on his own. It is much better for John to come clean on his own volition than to have the truth come out from Robert’s own investigation.
This is true for marital infidelity situations as well.
The initial sin is bad enough. The cover up and deception to hide the sin just compounds the problem. A cheater is just digging a deeper hole by choosing not to disclose.
Now, I do believe timing is important to consider in the disclosure. A third party presence–like a trusted Christian friend or pastor–is encouraged to help keep the potential heat generated by the revelation at a civil level.
However, I do not think withholding the information is ultimately a service to the faithful party. Robert is not less wronged by not knowing of the theft than by knowing it. The same thing goes for faithful spouses.
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“A third party presence–like a trusted Christian friend or pastor–is encouraged to help keep the potential heat generated by the revelation at a civil level.”
I also think it would be wise if the faithful spouse had a third party presence around when confronting an unfaithful spouse. Unfaithful spouses can be very cruel and uncivil when they get caught, especially if they are unrepentant. Of course, it would help if the third party is someone who will not accept blameshifting.