Peace.
One of the things that gave me peace–after some time of healing–about my first marriage ending was that I gave it a shot.
Once I knew about the adultery, I kicked the ball back into her court. I gave her the option of repenting from her cheating or continuing with divorce. She chose divorce.
I do not think everyone has to give a cheater that choice (see Matthew 19:9). Listen to what Holy Spirit is telling you on that number.
What I am convinced of is I heard from Holy Spirit then, and I am glad I gave her that one last shot.
You cannot have a godly marriage when one partner is unwilling to stop cheating and convince the other it is so (see Hebrews 13:4).
Now, a cheater and others might be perfectly happy with you remaining in a marriage with ongoing cheating. But I do not believe that is what God expects of us (see Mathew 1:19).
I am glad I gave it one last shot. It gives me peace looking back on that ending.
She said she wanted to reconcile and I gave her the opportunity to do so. She did nothing to even try to make things right. I was holding on to hope even when my heart and life had been shattered. She moved out. I look back and can say I gave her the chance to change the course of events, I did what I could. I found a letter she wrote me this weekend and within 5 sentences she was blaming me. Just reaffirmed my decision to let her go.
Eric, I am currently in the same position. My wife had multiple affairs, I told her I wanted a divorce after slogging it out for 14 months of continued affairs, blame shifting, gaslighting, and false reconciliation.
She said she didn’t want a divorce and then less than a week later, she said she thought it was the best decision for me. As she was moving out, she told me she wanted me to consider not divorcing her. That’s where we are now. Now I feel like I have to reevaluate whether she is actually repenting or not again. I don’t see anything that looks like repentance… am I being hard-hearted?
I don’t think you are being “hard-hearted.” You are simply going forward and exercising your freedom to divorce an unfaithful spouse (see Mt 19:9). She had 14 months to stop cheating, and she did not. That is a lot of evidence suggesting she will continue this pattern of jerking your chain and continuing to abuse your trust. There is nothing wrong exercising the permission Jesus gives us to divorce an unfaithful partner–God never gives permission to sin, after all.