“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
-Matthew 5:27-28, NIV
“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
-Matthew 19:9, NIV
***Disclaimer: This is NOT legal counsel but pastoral thoughts!***
A sticking point for many Christians over divorce following infidelity discovery is over whether or not it was a “physical” affair. A cheating partner might even admit to kissing or doing other such things just short–according to them–of having “sex.”
The distinction between an “emotional” versus a physical affair matters to some as many might strictly interpret Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:9 as giving permission to divorce only if a sexually immoral act had been committed.
The effect of this confusion puts the faithful spouse in limbo over whether or not they can obtain a biblically justified divorce based on the circumstances of the infidelity.
“He claims that he didn’t have sex with her. So, does that make me an adulteress for divorcing him over his cheating?”
Setting aside the dubious assumption of adult romantic relationships stopping at dirty talking, I want to provide a simple test from a pastoral perspective to help those Christian faithful spouses stuck in this place of quandary.
Ask yourself:
Could what the cheating spouse did with the other person be considered a sexual assault if the other person had been an unwilling partner to it? (Click “sexual assault” for definition)
If the answer to this question is “Yes,” then one does not have “just” an emotional affair. It is a physical affair as far as its biblical immorality is concerned (i.e. this is not legal advice).
Physical sexualized actions–e.g. kissing, fondling, etc–have taken place with someone who is not one’s spouse. That is sexual immorality; ergo, it is biblically permissible grounds for divorce according to Jesus in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9.
*A version of this post ran previously.
““I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Please note: our marriage likely would not have survived anyway as the damage to it was too heavy; but what the preacher was trying to do was get him to walk away from sin, but the ex knew better. He was after all the smartest guy in the room.
-Matthew 19:9, NIV”
Our preacher tried his best to get my ex to see this. He told him “you will never build happiness on the destruction of another person, you have to walk away from sin”
Ex didn’t believe him, his life crashed and burned. First demotion, (she was his direct report) then he went on to cheat on wifetress. Then he tried to be a preacher (sorry that one is hard to say with a straight face) when that didn’t work, he turned to gambling; lost everything. There was a lot more per my son, including treating sons family pretty bad. But those are the highlights.
I think in his case all those destructive things he kept doing was to try to find happiness and to try to regain the “power” he had lost. It must have been quite a shock to him that once he disposed of me; he was still unhappy. Couldn’t blame it on me anymore.
In my situation ex was a professing Christian. I think that made the difference. That is where the mocking of God comes in. He knew he was trying to con God. He had to know.