Dear Divorce Minister,
My husband and I have only been married a year. I felt like we had a good relationship. He was my best friend. We communicated well, we were very loving, caring, and supportive to each other, yet almost immediately after we were married I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. I prayed to God to reveal the truth to me. He did.
I first got wind of an inappropriate “sexting” relationship that my husband was having with another woman about 6 months ago. I chose to believe him when he told me that it wasn’t what it looked like, that he would never do anything like that to me or to our marriage.
I continued to pray for God to reveal the truth to me, and about a month later I found out without a doubt that my husband was having inappropriate relationships with several women. When I confronted my husband, he apologized profusely, made amends, and promised that it would never happen again. I forgave him and chose to work on our marriage. I felt that we were going to be stronger than ever. He made me believe that too. I even thanked him for convincing me to give him another chance!
Fast forward a few months and I was blindsided by a woman who came forward to let me know that she had met my husband on a dating app and they had been communicating for a while and had gone out on a date. She told me that they were communicating at that very moment to set up a second date. She said that she felt something wasn’t right with him and did her own research on social media and found out he was married and who I was. She wanted to reach out to me to let me know… I am extremely thankful to her.
Needless to say though, I was completely devastated that my husband was doing this again. I confronted him and told him that I was done, I was not going to allow him the chance to ever do this to me again.
Since then we have been living together, but apart. He has been very remorseful, very understanding of my feelings, begging me not to divorce, and promising me the world. I have forgiven him, but I do not trust him. We have started counseling through church, and I feel that he is saying and doing all the right things – but I feel that it is all an act, that I am being manipulated into reconciling with him.
I pray about it, and I feel that God has told me that my husband will not change and that I know the truth. I have been very steadfast in my decision and in my thinking. While I do love my husband, it is not the same. Even though I have forgiven him, I have no desire to reconcile with him.
Whenever I start to waiver and think that I might be able to remain in my marriage, I immediately go back to what I feel God is telling me. I think of the verse, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 (NKJV). I feel that God is guarding my heart, that He is protecting me from future hurt that would be caused if I stayed in my marriage.
It is hard to tell my husband this, let alone the pastor we are working with in counseling. Any advice is appreciated.
Thank you.
SeekingWisdom
Dear SeekingWisdom,
I am sorry you have undergone such an awful experience and appear not to have the pastoral support you deserve. Your husband’s sinful behavior is not normal. Also, this is not something you should be expected to tolerate as a wife.
Let’s dig into your letter:
My husband and I have only been married a year. I felt like we had a good relationship. He was my best friend. We communicated well, we were very loving, caring, and supportive to each other, yet almost immediately after we were married I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. I prayed to God to reveal the truth to me. He did.
Cheaters are good at putting up a “front.” This is one the many loses that comes from dealing with cheaters. We have to grieve the relationship that we thought we had with them.
Bravo for listening to your gut and taking it to the Lord!
Next, you write,
I first got wind of an inappropriate “sexting” relationship that my husband was having with another woman about 6 months ago. I chose to believe him when he told me that it wasn’t what it looked like, that he would never do anything like that to me or to our marriage.
He engaged in gas-lighting you here. (“Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?” -from Marx brothers film).
You caught him, and he is downplaying what he did. Why would he need to “never do anything like that” if it was innocent?
I continued to pray for God to reveal the truth to me, and about a month later I found out without a doubt that my husband was having inappropriate relationships with several women. When I confronted my husband, he apologized profusely, made amends, and promised that it would never happen again. I forgave him and chose to work on our marriage. I felt that we were going to be stronger than ever. He made me believe that too. I even thanked him for convincing me to give him another chance!
Notice that you are catching him, and he is not coming clean on his own. This does not bode well for true repentance and change (obviously, not as your letter explains later).
Plus, this sounds like compulsive behavior. It is a pattern with him now. He is newly married and ought to be only interested in you. That is the normal, new husband focus.
This sinful sickness runs deep for him to be engaging in this behavior in less than a year of being married and with multiple women. Honestly, he does not sound like a man capable of monogamy, which is God’s standard for a marriage.
Fast forward a few months and I was blindsided by a woman who came forward to let me know that she had met my husband on a dating app and they had been communicating for a while and had gone out on a date. She told me that they were communicating at that very moment to set up a second date. She said that she felt something wasn’t right with him and did her own research on social media and found out he was married and who I was. She wanted to reach out to me to let me know… I am extremely thankful to her.
His pattern of cheating continues. They say that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You know how this tape is going to play in the future.
Now, you need to make a decision whether to continue to endure the abusive cycle of being used as a wife of convenience while he betrays your trust and endangers your health (potentially) with strange women (please get tested for STDs for your own well-being if you haven’t already).
I am glad this woman had the courage to tell you. That is a mercy in this story.
Needless to say though, I was completely devastated that my husband was doing this again. I confronted him and told him that I was done, I was not going to allow him the chance to ever do this to me again.
I applaud and affirm you in this decision. This is an appropriate boundary to set with him after all his cheating.
You have given him multiple chances to change, and he blew all of them. He didn’t even deserve a second chance as God allows us to divorce over even one instance of marital, sexual infidelity (see Mt 19:9). Yet you were generous, and you gave him many.
Since then we have been living together, but apart. He has been very remorseful, very understanding of my feelings, begging me not to divorce, and promising me the world. I have forgiven him, but I do not trust him. We have started counseling through church, and I feel that he is saying and doing all the right things – but I feel that it is all an act, that I am being manipulated into reconciling with him.
I do not believe rebuilding trust at this point is possible–from a natural perspective–considering his history of betrayals. You have every reason to distrust him. You have seen how this tape plays out: he says the right things and behaves as if he has changed, then you discover he is cheating on you with multiple women behind your back. The wise person learns from those betrayals of trust and allows that information to inform their future decisions.
I pray about it, and I feel that God has told me that my husband will not change and that I know the truth. I have been very steadfast in my decision and in my thinking. While I do love my husband, it is not the same. Even though I have forgiven him, I have no desire to reconcile with him.
Listen to what you feel God is telling you. I think this is very wise counsel for Someone who loves you dearly. From what you have shared, I do not think “reconciliation” or marriage restoration to this man is wise.
Whenever I start to waiver and think that I might be able to remain in my marriage, I immediately go back to what I feel God is telling me. I think of the verse, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 (NKJV). I feel that God is guarding my heart, that He is protecting me from future hurt that would be caused if I stayed in my marriage.
I believe the evidence of Holy Spirit at work in a course of action is the evidence of His fruits. In particular, I believe we will have peace when God is involved in a decision. It sounds like you are experiencing that. So, I would just encourage you in that it sounds like Holy Spirit is directing your decision to end this sinfully, abusive marriage.
It is hard to tell my husband this, let alone the pastor we are working with in counseling. Any advice is appreciated.
This may be hard to hear, but I would encourage you NOT to tell either your husband or pastor this. It sounds like they are more interested in “saving” the marriage than taking care of you.
I would recommend seeing a divorce attorney and getting an exit plan in place, quietly. Your pastor and your husband do not need to know that you are doing this. You have already made it clear to them that you have had enough of your husband’s lying and cheating.
Also, it would be good to find an individual therapist who is divorce positive–i.e. the therapist would support divorce if the circumstances warranted it as I believe yours does. It is helpful to have support during this trying time.
Hope some of this helps, SeekingWisdom! You are doing great as far as listening to your gut and seeking the Best Counselor’s opinion by talking to Holy Spirit!
Warmest of regards,
Pastor David (aka Divorce Minister)
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*Just as a reminder: This post is NOT legal advice or therapy. I am a pastor and NOT a lawyer or licensed therapist. Please see an appropriate professional for those needs (as well as a good pastor who accepts divorce in situations like yours and that you can meet in the flesh).
