Dear DM, I recently had a conversation…

Dear Divorce Minister,

Recently I had a chat with an acquaintance and she gave me some advice that excuses the cheater’s behaviour. I work in social justice and one of the shared values I thought myself and my ex husband had is advocating for women’s health. I was quite excited when he wrote a PhD on HIV and cervical cancer but it did not take me long to realise that this was just a job for him, not something he truly believes because he was exposing me to both of these (and more) with his endless cheating. 
My acquaintance suggested, “maybe he really cares about women in the work that he does. He really didn’t think about HIV and cervical cancer and risking your health. You know how someone would only think about the fun of the moment.” I was taken aback and my mind raced with these thoughts, “What about character, integrity, authenticity? Charity begins at home, why wouldn’t he think about it when he is well-researched on transmission, risk, complications, etc?” Yes, I have an issue with hypocrites. It shows that it is just a job that makes him money not something that he cares about. It is quite disturbing just how many people are prepared to excuse sin and expect whatever ‘reasons’ to make you see it another way.
Thank you for your blog and you are welcome to use any of this on the blog.
Kind regards,

ForgivenChump

Dear ForgivenChump,

Yes, hypocrites are the worst! Well, maybe their apologists are worse?!

People who have not lived these nightmares with a cheater often fail to see how awful cheaters really are. They literally risk their faithful spouses’ lives via potentially giving them a life-ending sexually transmitted disease. Cheaters are selfishness embodied!

You wrote,

My acquaintance suggested, “maybe he really cares about women in the work that he does. He really didn’t think about HIV and cervical cancer and risking your health. You know how someone would only think about the fun of the moment.”

I am glad you used the word “acquaintance” and not “friend” to describe this person because this is NOT what a true friend would say. Friends do not “justify” or minimize the soul rape of their friends.

So, it only took a little “fun of the moment” for him to abandon this value?! Interesting. That minimally says his care for women ranks below how he values his own pleasure.

Maybe the common thread here is he cares for woman as long as that care benefits him? If it means he has to sacrifice something like “fun,” then I wouldn’t bet on him sacrificing the “fun” for doing the right thing in caring for women.

You continue,

I was taken aback and my mind raced with these thoughts, “What about character, integrity, authenticity? Charity begins at home, why wouldn’t he think about it when he is well-researched on transmission, risk, complications, etc?” 

See, this actually makes his betrayal worse. He engages in his “fun” with full knowledge of its cost or danger to you!!! That is an Olympic-level callousness. It is cold-blooded.

Yes, I have an issue with hypocrites. It shows that it is just a job that makes him money not something that he cares about. 

Like I mentioned earlier, I agree with you that his “care” for women only extends so far as it benefits him and costs him nothing. He wouldn’t even be bothered to avoid this behavior knowing how it could harm you. Disgusting!

It is quite disturbing just how many people are prepared to excuse sin and expect whatever ‘reasons’ to make you see it another way.

True. The pay off for them in doing this is to appear more mature or enlightened than you. It is a subtle putdown of the faithful spouse. The reality is that they are engaging in morally bankrupt behavior in giving the cheater cover.

Thanks for sharing your experience, and I hope you have a few good, true friends who sees it as it really is!

Warmest regards,

Pastor David (aka Divorce Minister)