Cheating is exposed. Now, the cheater is willing to go to couples therapy and rebuild what the cheater destroyed.
How does a faithful spouse approach such sessions with a Christian couples counselor?
1. Remember you have choices here.
Did you choose this counselor? What do you know about him or her? If this person is tone deaf about infidelity, you can always choose to stop going or choose to try another counselor.
My point is to encourage you to use your voice here. You do not have to be the passive recipient of abuse from a counselor or your cheater. You have choices here. Activate your agency.
2. Come in with crystal clear understanding of what you will NOT tolerate.
This is related to point number 1. If the Christian counselor ascribes to “The Shared Responsibility Lie,” then I suggest finding another counselor and not wasting your time and money.
In fact, it might be a good idea to suss this out before attending on Friday. Call the counselor and ask:
In marital infidelity cases, do you believe a perpetrator and a victim exist or do you ascribe to the school that the affair is a symptom of marriage issues with both spouses being responsible for the infidelity?
If the counselor agrees to the first, you have someone who might be helpful. If the counselor agrees to the later, then I would recommend NOT going and finding another counselor who actually holds biblical views on marital infidelity.
Also, any good marital counselor–Christian or secular–ought to set the expectation that all third parties are excluded from the marriage as a prerequisite for receiving couples counseling. The affair MUST be over or the counseling is a waste of time. This is something an experienced and good counselor ought to assess at the start of the first session or in the intake, IMO.
3. Use your voice!
Let’s say the counselor passes the initial screening and you attend the session only to start feeling like the counselor is really blaming you for your husband’s infidelity. This is where your voice needs to come into play.
Interrupt.
Shut that down fast!
“Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me! Do you really believe such a heretical thing that we are responsible for another person’s sin? I ask because you are suggesting I made my husband (wife) cheat here.”
You get the picture. You do NOT have to just sit there and take it! Walk out if the abuse continues.
Finally, I would encourage you to think through what you hope to achieve by going to a Christian counselor. Be aware that cheaters regularly attend therapy with counselors of various sorts–pastors included–in an effort to manage their image with outsiders.
See? We even went to couples counseling and just couldn’t make our marriage work. (Of course, they do not disclose that they were cheating during the whole duration of those therapy sessions.)
From my perspective as a pastor and faithful spouse (NOT a therapist!), the counselor ought to work mightily with your cheater to deal with the entitlement that led to the cheater’s sins (both the cheating and the lying). I also think a good counselor might be able to help in developing a plan for the cheater to win back your trust after such massive violations.
In sum, I would recommend that you have a voice and do not have to passively receive abuse in these situations. Refuse to accept blame-shifting from a counselor. And have a clear picture of your own agenda for such meetings.
You have choices and a voice.
Your desires and wishes matter!
It is past time you stop allowing the cheater set the agenda for you. Speak up and share with others–especially the counselor–what you hope to have.
*As a reminder, this is NOT therapy advice. I am a pastor and infidelity survivor, NOT a mental health provider. My recommendation is to find a qualified mental health provider to help you through this time of distress. What I say here on this blog are my own personal views and do not represent any institution to which I belong.
My adulterous former wife said she was repentant and said she wanted to do counseling to put our marriage back together again. We found a Christian counselor and set a meeting. The counselor said at the first meeting that we must agree to meet ten times and to not have any contact with any third party, (Looking at her) She consented. Right away the ex started in on how she did things because of me. Each time the therapist stopped her and said, “Don’t you think you had other choices?” This went on for three more sessions until she admitted she was still seeing the other guy. Then she met with the therapist by herself twice, followed by a meeting with the three of us. She told me she wanted to continue to pursue the divorce. I asked her to leave, as I did not want to hear her B.S. excuses anymore.
At this point the therapist said that it was a gift that the marriage was ending now, instead of dragging out and that the ex was unwilling to accept responsibility for her behavior.
I am very thankful that she was the therapist, not one who wanted to preserve the “marriage” at any cost. She had the insight that DM was writing about. After the divorce I spent a few years single and then remarried to a woman whose ex husband was as big a lying cheater as my ex wife. We will have been married fourteen years in June.