The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.-Proverbs 12:18, NIV
I care about you BUT not enough…
…to end my friendship with the adulterous spouse until she repents.
My thoughts:
“Sorry, your concern for me sounds skin deep. Scripture is clear that a person who truly cared for me–and even for my adulterous spouse–would not continue in friendship with her while such serious sin remains unaddressed (see 1 Cor. 5 & 6).”
I care about you BUT not enough…
…to confront her over her adultery and insist she comes clean making amends to you.
My thoughts:
“Sorry, I think your concern for me is not true concern. If I told you my (now ex) wife had attacked me with a knife and was continuing with such attacks, I would expect a truly concerned friend to engage in getting her to stop wielding the knife. Adultery is worse than a knife attack.”
I care about you BUT not enough…
…to listen to your anger and pain allowing you to grieve without playing the bitter/unforgiveness card.
My thoughts:
“Sorry, you can keep that sort of concern. I know such ‘care’ means ‘pity.’ That is not what I need at this time.
I do not need someone to look down on me judging my pain and the way I am grieving. What I need is someone to really care and sit with me in the ashes of my marriage and pain. If you cannot do that, fine. Just be honest and keep your pity and condemnation of me to yourself.”
I care about you BUT not enough…
…to feel vulnerable along with me without blaming me for being violated by my adulterous spouse.
My thoughts:
“Sorry, someone who really cared for me would be able to handle their own discomfort on this number without offloading it onto me.
We are all vulnerable to infidelity in our marriages. Each of us can only control our own choices and not those of our spouses. That leaves us vulnerable.
To blame me–even in part–for my spouse’s adultery is to deny this fact. It is to selfishly choose your own comfort over living in reality and actually caring for me.”
I care about you BUT not enough…
…to encourage me to get tested for STDs after I shared about my wife’s infidelity.
My thoughts:
“Sorry, someone who really cared about me would be concerned that I might have picked up STDs from my adulterous spouse. It is a pretty low-level of concern to be concerned about whether I live or die. Your level of concern for me apparently is below that threshold, sadly.”
*A version of this post ran previously.
*If you find encouragement and spiritual support from these posts, I would greatly appreciate your financial generosity to keep this ministry going. Please only donate if you are financially able (button to donate below).
-Pastor David aka Divorce Minister
When I think back to the agony during the early years, I know people cared. Only my family knew the details and the reality of the situation I was in. They were there for my children & me, but I exhausted them with my worrying and fears about what X would put the kids through. Like other tough situations in life, only people who have experienced it truly understand.
Other people cared, but I think they’d become luke-warm towards divorce caused by unfaithfulness because of what they’d been taught by the media, Christian and secular counselors and the church that tend blame the faithful spouse and excuse the adulterer. As faithful spouses know, when the adulterer is not held accountable –innocent suffer.
Your book can help people understand the reality and agony of the betrayal and divorce caused by adultery. Divorce has become so common and unfortunately the church is out to stop it (“divorce”) rather than do the tough job of addressing adultery and confronting the adulterers.
God’s blessing and guidance be with you as you complete your book. May He be glorified & His will be done through your work!
Thanks Nyra!