Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

-Galatians 6:7, NIV

Setting a boundary is NOT about setting a punishment for the other person.

The boundary is there to healthfully preserve you from whatever threatens your well-being. It is not a punishment. Rather, the boundary is a step towards self-preservation.

Cheaters are boundary violators.

They violated the boundary of their marriage by cheating. They violated the boundary of their spouse’s soul by cheating. And they likely violated other boundaries on top of those two big ones by cheating.

This is why setting boundaries is especially critical for restoring the health of the faithful spouse, in my opinion.

I talk about how you need to have “deal-breakers” before you start dating again after divorce. Those are boundaries. A “deal-breaker” says to the other person that certain behaviors are not acceptable to you. You have set a boundary on how you allow others to treat you. That is healthy.

Now, if you decide to stay with your cheater, be prepared for him or her to call those boundaries punishment.

A healthy boundary is requiring the ending of all third party romantic relationships as a precondition for you attending counseling with your cheater. There’s no point to work on your marriage if the cheater is still cheating. That boundary needs setting, and it is healthy. Another example is having time to adjust without sex or in separate locked bedrooms. This may be necessary to help a faithful spouse feel safe, again, after the gross trust violations. A cheater might think this is punishment; however, it is really about taking care of the faithful spouse himself or herself.

Be careful that you do not use boundary language as an excuse to punish the cheater.

This is important because doing this undermines your long-term healing by de-legitimizing actual boundary setting. It might feel good in the moment, but you will pay a price–likely–down the road. An example of this punishment mentality is to warn the cheater if he cheats again that you will slash the tires and otherwise destroy his truck. That is not a boundary setting warning. It is using fear of punishment to control a cheater. This is unhealthy.

Working the boundary setting muscles is not easy, this is true especially after major violations.

It may help to check-in with a trusted friend, counselor, or pastor who might be able to help you discern whether you are punishing the other or are setting a healthy boundary. Grief is confusing and plays a role in this time of figuring out healthy boundary setting. Give yourself some grace as you try to figure this out.    

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*A version of this post ran previously.

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