Dear DM,
Thank you for your blog and the articles in there. I recently stumbled across your blog because 2 weeks ago I discovered my husband having an affair (he has been having an affair for 4 months and only confessed because he got found out. If I had not found out it would have gone on much longer). I gave him two choices – our marriage or the other woman, and he chose the other woman. So now we are in the process of separating.
It has been such a painful experience (and it’s only been a little over two weeks!), and the articles you’ve written on forgiveness, telling the in-laws, repentance have been really eye opening for me. My bible study leader is hoping we can still work things out, however, I don’t see that happening if he’s unrepentant, and I am not going to put up with him having a woman on the side whilst we try to reconcile. I want to let him go for my own healing, and also to let God deal with him in His own way and time.
Now I face an uncertain future. Whilst we are in the process of dividing up our assets through our lawyers, I will be living with my parents, and he, presumably will be trying to move in with the other woman.
I have a couple of questions that I hope you may be able to answer.
Firstly, he has 2 sons (10 years and 14 years old) from a previous marriage. His ex-wife left him for another man, leaving him a single dad. When we met, I became like a mum to those kids. We told them that we are now divorcing and the kids were upset and said that they would like to continue to see me. I will do this for them, but am concerned about my own healing. How often do I keep seeing the kids, while at the same time guarding my heart? What is appropriate contact? He will be introducing the other woman to them once the initial shock wears off. Once they meet their new step-mum I am reluctant to keep being in the picture as I just don’t want to complicate things any further.
Secondly, how long will it take me to recover from this hurt? I know everyone’s different and the path to healing is different for everyone. But where I stand right now it just feels like everything is unknown – thoughts go through my head such as: will I ever find love again? Will I be able to trust someone again? If I ever get married again (which I would like to) how can I prevent this thing from happening again? they say the statistics on second marriages aren’t better than the first marriage, so I am fearful that if I get married again this could happen again. I know we live in a fallen world and these things happen, but there’s so much more fear in me now.
Sincerely,
Hoping2Heal
Dear Hoping2Heal,
I am so glad you found your way to my digital “shores.” You are the type of person I have in mind by writing these posts. My heart goes out to you as you process this fresh betrayal and all that comes with it.
You wrote,
I gave him two choices – our marriage or the other woman, and he chose the other woman. So now we are in the process of separating.
That was very generous of you to give him that choice. It speaks volumes of his lack of character that he chose sin over God (and you).
Never forget that HE chose sin over godliness here, not you.
You went above and beyond by giving him this option after affair discovery. When Christians pressure you over the divorce, remind them this was his choice. He chose to break his marriage vows, and you are merely allowing him to go his own way down the road to sinful destruction without you.
It has been such a painful experience (and it’s only been a little over two weeks!), and the articles you’ve written on forgiveness, telling the in-laws, repentance have been really eye opening for me. My bible study leader is hoping we can still work things out, however, I don’t see that happening if he’s unrepentant, and I am not going to put up with him having a woman on the side whilst we try to reconcile.
This is fresh. Two weeks is not a long time. I remember losing a lot of weight in two weeks after the discovery from the trauma of it all.
That said, it does get better in time. That is my experience. The extreme pain you are experiencing is completely normal.
Also, I applaud you for handling this situation with such clarity and maturity. You stuck to your guns and gave him a choice. Plus, you write here that you will not tolerate him continuing his affair with you in the picture. This you did in the face of the usual “Christian” pressure to tolerate such sin. Your resolve is admirable.
I certainly wasn’t as strong as you that early in my own discovery experience. Way to go!!!
Next, you ask me about your relationship with your two step sons.
We told them that we are now divorcing and the kids were upset and said that they would like to continue to see me. I will do this for them, but am concerned about my own healing. How often do I keep seeing the kids, while at the same time guarding my heart? What is appropriate contact? He will be introducing the other woman to them once the initial shock wears off. Once they meet their new step-mum I am reluctant to keep being in the picture as I just don’t want to complicate things any further.
What I have to say here is coming from someone who did not have children involved in his divorce. I was fortunate to have a clean break from my ex-wife in that.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with those two young men. That is a testament to you. Plus, it sounds like you do not have to lose those relationships in addition to all the other loses.
I cannot speak for you; however, I would encourage you leave the door open to them. Yes, this is costly for you emotionally. Still, it is not their fault that their dad cheated on you and chose the Other Woman. Ghosting them does not seem right.
As far as the frequency, I would leave that to them as the oldest is already a teenager. Obviously, they would have to work around your schedule as well. That is reasonable.
Also, I do not think leaving them as soon as the OW is introduced is a good idea. Let them decide if they want to continue meeting with you.
That said, you do not have to tolerate abuse from them or triangulating games their father (or Other Woman) might try to pull by using them. Keep the relationship about your relationship with them is my recommendation.
Secondly, how long will it take me to recover from this hurt? I know everyone’s different and the path to healing is different for everyone. But where I stand right now it just feels like everything is unknown – thoughts go through my head such as: will I ever find love again? Will I be able to trust someone again?
You already have your answer. Everyone’s path is different because everyone’s heart is unique. Grief is an emotional process and does not go by clear sequential timelines, unfortunately.
But healing from this CAN and DOES happen all the time!
Many people have gone through situations like your own and have come out the other side healthier and in a better life by the grace of God. I am one of them.
Will you find love again? Will you be able to trust again? I suspect you will. But this will take time and work as well. You may be more cautious. However, that is not necessarily a bad thing.
You see trust is like faith. We have to use our will in developing it. I have to choose to trust someone or something. So, it will take courage to redevelop this muscle. But it is possible.
I wouldn’t worry about either right now with this so fresh. Before we are ready to date again, the divorce needs to be final, and we need to be in a place where we trust ourselves again first. That will take time and work.
If I ever get married again (which I would like to) how can I prevent this thing from happening again? they say the statistics on second marriages aren’t better than the first marriage, so I am fearful that if I get married again this could happen again.
The short and unpleasant answer to this question is that you can’t prevent it. Your best option is to work to find someone who shares your values and is of high character.
Ultimately, the only way this does not happen is not in your hands. It is in the hands of the next spouse. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not being honest to you.
As far as those statistics, please do not allow other “Christians” to use these to control you through fear. That is not godly (see 2 Timothy 1:7). Remember, those statistics include cheaters who marry their affair partners, which I am told have abysmal “success” rates.
Statistics are numbers. You are a person. You are a faithful spouse with fire-proven character. That is valuable for making a second marriage work for the long run.
Now, you just have to work on healing for yourself and then learn how to choose someone who aligns with your own high views of monogamous marriage. A key to the second part is to have deal-breakers and not to settle for someone who does not treasure you–for you are gold!
Thanks for writing in!
I hope some of that is helpful for you in your situation. Know that you are in my prayers.
-Pastor David (AKA Divorce Minister)
