Money issues do not cause adultery.
Lack of “communication” does not cause adultery.
Emotional or physical distance does not cause adultery.
Even one spouse committing adultery does not cause the other’s adultery.
_________
All of these things put tremendous stress on the relationship. In the case of adultery, it is a death blow to what was. However, none of these circumstances are what caused adultery even in part!
I realize this is not the accepted “wisdom” of many counselors and Christians. They immediately go to diagnosing the issues in the marriage ravaged by adultery.
The problem with that take is it is not biblical. Good students of the Bible know:
We do not look outside the sinner for the cause of the sin.
While marriage stressors are worth addressing, it is foolish to locate the cause of the sin in those stressors (see Mark 7:21-23). They are merely circumstances. Some people do not respond to the same circumstances by cheating. Their character is what makes the difference.
The wise counselor understands this. They focus the work and responsibility on the cheater who needs to learn how to make godly choices as opposed to the sinful ones he or she once made.
____________
Appreciate the thoughts shared here on the blog? Consider purchasing my new book:
Another thing I find interesting is that this “logic” doesn’t get applied to other situations. For instance, most (but unfortunately not all) pastors seem to understand that abuse is in the heart of the abuser. The abuser needs to show genuine repentance over time by his or her actions before anyone should even think about reconciliation. If an abuser did genuinely repent and a couple eventually reconciled, both the former abuser and the formerly abused spouse would put work into the marriage. They might both work on self improvement. This can all happen without people needing to blame the formerly abused spouse for things he/she didn’t cause and couldn’t control. I have trouble understanding the need to promote the shared responsibility lie. If a cheater repents and the couple reconciles, both the former cheater and the faithful spouse would put work into the marriage anyway without the need for blameshifting. Sometimes, I think a lot more marriages would be saved IF the cheater was actually encouraged to repent and put work into the marriage rather than enabled to blameshift.
It is doubly mystifying when you get the truth that adultery/infidelity IS abuse! Cheaters must absolutely repent BEFORE even consideration of restoration of the relationship. Anything less puts the faithful spouse at greater risk of further abuse, IMO.