*DM on August 19, 2006.
Today is a sad day for me.
It was a day of celebration eleven years ago. Today was my first wedding day.
I am amazed that even eleven years–and all the awfulness involved–does not obliterate the memories of that day. Our memories are fascinating things.
I can still recall moments from that wedding day with technicolor precision. These are bittersweet memories.
That said, the two people getting married that beautiful August day in 2006 are like strangers to me today.
On the one hand, I am a very different man than I was on that day. Older. Balder. Maturer. Bigger. Wiser. And better educated.
On the other hand, my understanding of the woman I thought I had married “died” the day she signed our divorce decree roughly five years ago.
I had underestimated her capacity to betray and overestimated her commitment to kindness and godliness.
It is okay to feel sad on an old anniversary. That just means you valued what was taken from you–or what you thought you had. It is a scar.
And like scars, I have found it does not hurt as much or as often as it used to. But some days or anniversaries bring back some of the bittersweet pain. That is to be expected.
That is grief.
And grief is a healthy response to loss.
Hi Divorce Minister,
Tomorrow, August 20th, would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. Even our 20th wedding anniversary is now tainted. For our 20th we went to a local, very classy restaurant and hotel to spend the night. My now ex-husband was already acting strange (came to find out just a few weeks before our anniversary he met out again with his former ho-worker for coffee – he’s a predator of women-found out she was getting a divorce-started distancing himself from me in preparation for the affair he was planning) and our special night out he wasn’t himself. At the time I chalked it up to him being tired. Nope! He’s an evil and wicked man. A wolf is sheeps clothing. Our entire marriage is tainted by his lying and constant womanizing. Like you, I underestimated who he truly is. I didn’t listen to my gut/intuition/Holy Spirit over 26 years ago. Big mistake that I hope I will never repeat again! But like you, I’m wiser! And my prayer is that I will continue on this path of wisdom with the Lord on my side helping me each day to become a stronger, wiser and better person. In the end, all that matters is our relationship with the Lord. I have to remind myself constantly of this truth. Our cheating spouses cannot possibly have this as their life priority! Thank you for your posts each day. They encourage me so much! I’m sorry you are a bit sad today. I’m a bit sad once again that my anniversary is rolling around once again. I’ve heard this is very normal to feel this way. To me, it’s an encouragement to me that I feel this way, because it’s a sign to me that I truly am able to love, be committed and to care deeply about others. I’m sure my ex doesn’t care one bit about our anniversary, but now that I look back at all our years together. He never really did when we were married either! I’m happy I don’t have such a character disordered person in my life anymore that takes pleasure in hurting me. Hugs to you and Mrs. Divorce Minister today. I hope you get a chance to do something fun with the new family God has blessed you with. 🙂
Dear DM,
This past May 30 was our 25th wedding Anniversary, but the divorce wasn’t final until June 6. So I haven’t had my first anniversary divorced but I will say that I went on vacation. I haven’t been on one in 5 years and I did get sad because I just thought of what could have been and what should have been. I asked God to help me heal and go through the grieving process the right way so I can come out on the other side healthy and whole.
Thank you for your words of wisdom, encouragement and understanding. God bless you and your family. And you be encouraged!
Thank you