New Page: "Testimonials" - Divorce Minister

Divorce Minister has been my pastor for about two years now as I was so traumatized by what took place at my now ex-church after I caught my now ex-husband out on a drinks date with a newly divorced woman (who is now his girlfriend, but at the time she was “just a friend” –yeah, right).

As a wife who never talked bad about her husband (yes, women like this exist) and a wife who kept all his dirty sin secrets within the confines of our marriage – I knew we needed pastoral help for my husbands womanizing, so I really thought going to see our pastor was the wise thing to do. I was wrong! I went by myself to see the pastor the morning after I caught my husband out on a date. What was the FIRST question my pastor asked me? “How often do you have sex?” I now realize that he was looking for me to share some of the blame for my husband cheating. Long story short, he asked me and also my husband who went separately to see the pastor lots and lots of questions to see what I was doing wrong to make my husband cheat. Questions like whether I was a nag. My housekeeping, mothering, etc. Knowing what I know now, I should have ran out of the door and never went back, but I didn’t know any better. I just set myself up for months more of abuse from the pastor and my charming, “nice guy”, manipulative, lying, covert, “Christian”, abusive ex-husband.

I was very naive when it came to how some churches and pastors operate. I thought for sure that the church and pastor would have followed the Bible when it came to discipline. They did not. They did just the opposite. I truly felt like I was going crazy for well over a year as nothing was making sense to me. In counseling with the pastor, the pastor seemed to take the cheaters side over and over again. I even said to him, “It seems like you are taking the cheaters side!” He said, “I’m not. I’m for your marriage.” Everything my husband did was justified or downplayed. Even when my husband was caught in another lie, the pastor somehow got him out of it by twisting things around. The pastor went so far by lying to me three times by saying, “I never said that” (gaslighting) when it came to three different things he did say. My sister was there for one of the things he said, so it wasn’t just me remembering things wrong. When a pastor is sticking up for an adulterer and also lying — ugh, it’s just so traumatizing as this was the first time ever going for help and I truly believed he could help us or at least he would have been against all the lying and cheating! I have not stepped foot in that church in about two years. I have not been able to get myself to go to church, because it’s so hard to trust now after all I went through there (there’s a lot more to the story!). Divorce Minister is my daily church where I feel loved, validated, heard and baby steps healing is taking place.

Divorce Minister responded to a letter I sent to Chump Lady. He validated that my husband getting 100% nude laps dances in Canada (over 17 years ago and he went more than ten times) was sexual contact. What did my pastor say about the lap dances? “That was before Jesus Christ.” Ugh, I thought my husband WAS a Christian when we got married even though we weren’t attending church each week. So, the strippers were downplayed and it shouldn’t matter because it was before JC. Whatever! Thank you, DM, for validating me and my pain! I’ve been a daily reader ever since he took the time to write to me. No one understands the devastation of adultery unless they’ve been through it themselves. And to add insult to trauma — to get treated like I did something wrong to cause 20+ years of lying and cheating. And the cheater gets off scott free with absolutely no consequences for what he’s done — it’s not right! But I come here to DM and I find out I’m not alone in my suffering. And I’m not the only one who was treated horribly by their church and pastor. I’m not a Bible scholar, but to me it’s pretty black and white when it comes to adultery and consequences that should have taken place by the church. But like I have told my ex-husband dozens and dozens of times — “God has seen it all!” And God has seen how the pastor treated me during counseling. All the lies he told me. How he didn’t follow biblical discipline. How now he’s defiant and prideful with me and said to me the last time I spoke with him, “I didn’t cause this mess!” Well, from my understanding, pastors and teachers of the Word will be held to a different standard and accountable for their teachings. This verse has come to my mind a lot of times, “If anyone causes one of these little ones–those who believe in me–to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” The pastor has seen me struggle the past few years as I’ve written to him and talked with him on the phone. His actions and that of others have made me stumble and come so close to losing my faith on so many occasions, because none of this seems right and I really thought the church would have done the right thing. But God has told me to not put my trust in man. To put my trust in only Him. Keep my eyes on Him. I’m thankful for DM, because he keeps me focused on God and trusting Him for my future and also for justice for what happened to me. DM is also honest with his struggles, anger at what happened, etc. How many pastors do you know that are honest and say that they have wanted to commit suicide? Yes, that’s what adultery, betrayal, lies and being treated horribly by church people can do to you. DM being honest about that makes me feel less alone with those hopeless feelings that I sometimes get. He tells me to keep on going and things will get better.

I’m not shocked one bit that there are church people out there that want DM to shut his blog down and be quiet. They are the modern day pharisees trying to shut up the lone voice calling out in the wilderness. Jesus came for the brokenhearted and DM is ministering to us, the victims of adultery. We are the brokenhearted and DM is doing what Jesus would do if He was here in the flesh.

3 thoughts on “New Page: “Testimonials””

Martha says:

March 3, 2018 at 13:53

Divorce Minister has been my pastor for about two years now as I was so traumatized by what took place at my now ex-church after I caught my now ex-husband out on a drinks date with a newly divorced woman (who is now his girlfriend, but at the time she was “just a friend” –yeah, right).

As a wife who never talked bad about her husband (yes, women like this exist) and a wife who kept all his dirty sin secrets within the confines of our marriage – I knew we needed pastoral help for my husbands womanizing, so I really thought going to see our pastor was the wise thing to do. I was wrong! I went by myself to see the pastor the morning after I caught my husband out on a date. What was the FIRST question my pastor asked me? “How often do you have sex?” I now realize that he was looking for me to share some of the blame for my husband cheating. Long story short, he asked me and also my husband who went separately to see the pastor lots and lots of questions to see what I was doing wrong to make my husband cheat. Questions like whether I was a nag. My housekeeping, mothering, etc. Knowing what I know now, I should have ran out of the door and never went back, but I didn’t know any better. I just set myself up for months more of abuse from the pastor and my charming, “nice guy”, manipulative, lying, covert, “Christian”, abusive ex-husband.

I was very naive when it came to how some churches and pastors operate. I thought for sure that the church and pastor would have followed the Bible when it came to discipline. They did not. They did just the opposite. I truly felt like I was going crazy for well over a year as nothing was making sense to me. In counseling with the pastor, the pastor seemed to take the cheaters side over and over again. I even said to him, “It seems like you are taking the cheaters side!” He said, “I’m not. I’m for your marriage.” Everything my husband did was justified or downplayed. Even when my husband was caught in another lie, the pastor somehow got him out of it by twisting things around. The pastor went so far by lying to me three times by saying, “I never said that” (gaslighting) when it came to three different things he did say. My sister was there for one of the things he said, so it wasn’t just me remembering things wrong. When a pastor is sticking up for an adulterer and also lying — ugh, it’s just so traumatizing as this was the first time ever going for help and I truly believed he could help us or at least he would have been against all the lying and cheating! I have not stepped foot in that church in about two years. I have not been able to get myself to go to church, because it’s so hard to trust now after all I went through there (there’s a lot more to the story!). Divorce Minister is my daily church where I feel loved, validated, heard and baby steps healing is taking place.

Divorce Minister responded to a letter I sent to Chump Lady. He validated that my husband getting 100% nude laps dances in Canada (over 17 years ago and he went more than ten times) was sexual contact. What did my pastor say about the lap dances? “That was before Jesus Christ.” Ugh, I thought my husband WAS a Christian when we got married even though we weren’t attending church each week. So, the strippers were downplayed and it shouldn’t matter because it was before JC. Whatever! Thank you, DM, for validating me and my pain! I’ve been a daily reader ever since he took the time to write to me. No one understands the devastation of adultery unless they’ve been through it themselves. And to add insult to trauma — to get treated like I did something wrong to cause 20+ years of lying and cheating. And the cheater gets off scott free with absolutely no consequences for what he’s done — it’s not right! But I come here to DM and I find out I’m not alone in my suffering. And I’m not the only one who was treated horribly by their church and pastor. I’m not a Bible scholar, but to me it’s pretty black and white when it comes to adultery and consequences that should have taken place by the church. But like I have told my ex-husband dozens and dozens of times — “God has seen it all!” And God has seen how the pastor treated me during counseling. All the lies he told me. How he didn’t follow biblical discipline. How now he’s defiant and prideful with me and said to me the last time I spoke with him, “I didn’t cause this mess!” Well, from my understanding, pastors and teachers of the Word will be held to a different standard and accountable for their teachings. This verse has come to my mind a lot of times, “If anyone causes one of these little ones–those who believe in me–to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” The pastor has seen me struggle the past few years as I’ve written to him and talked with him on the phone. His actions and that of others have made me stumble and come so close to losing my faith on so many occasions, because none of this seems right and I really thought the church would have done the right thing. But God has told me to not put my trust in man. To put my trust in only Him. Keep my eyes on Him. I’m thankful for DM, because he keeps me focused on God and trusting Him for my future and also for justice for what happened to me. DM is also honest with his struggles, anger at what happened, etc. How many pastors do you know that are honest and say that they have wanted to commit suicide? Yes, that’s what adultery, betrayal, lies and being treated horribly by church people can do to you. DM being honest about that makes me feel less alone with those hopeless feelings that I sometimes get. He tells me to keep on going and things will get better.

I’m not shocked one bit that there are church people out there that want DM to shut his blog down and be quiet. They are the modern day pharisees trying to shut up the lone voice calling out in the wilderness. Jesus came for the brokenhearted and DM is ministering to us, the victims of adultery. We are the brokenhearted and DM is doing what Jesus would do if He was here in the flesh.
2XChumped says:

March 3, 2018 at 14:13

I’m so happy you’re not leaving your blog DM. I need the clarity and ease that I’m not alone every day. EVERY DARN DAY! My church didn’t do me as wrong as some here… but maybe that’s because I saw the red flags so quickly. (I’m an avid Chump Lady reader too.) Please keep talking about the truth. The newly chunked will need the validation you provide and us wiser Chumps need to be reminded.
H says:

March 3, 2018 at 17:38

After being in an abusive marriage I found that the American church in general can’t speak to the sinfulness of adultery. This allows satan to fill in those gaps. I have found truth in the work of Divorce Minister. Truth to counter the lies satan tells us as innocent spouses. Scriptures that are rarely discussed in congregations or by church leaderships. It is easier to denounce the visible result of the invisible abuse.
Thank you for being that light on the table in all of this adultery darkness!