Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.
-Matthew 7:5, KJV
When pastors and counselors focus on the faithful spouse’s “faults,” they are minimizing the cheating and the seriousness of this sin.
This is why the cheating needs to be taken as the most important issue in the marriage. If the cheater does not want to deal with it and repent, then you have your answer–namely, divorce is the best option left.
You cannot fix or restore a marriage where one partner still feels entitled to adultery.
The cheater will simply use the counselor or pastor to beat up the faithful spouse. Godly people ought not to be party to such abuse.
But, Pastor David, what about if the marriage had issues and the cheating was a release valve for the discouraged spouse–i.e. the cheater?
Doesn’t matter. God does NOT give permission to commit adultery provided one’s marriage is troubled.
Plus, there is no real hope for a rebuilt marriage as long as one party feels entitled to cheat. Focusing on the marriage “issues” just reinforces the lie that the cheater was permitted to sin in this way.
The cheater owes it to the faithful spouse to convince them that the cheating is over and will never happen again. This is the bottom line for godly repentance and marriage reconciliation. They need to come completely clean and be honest plus work to rebuild the shattered trust.
Another problem refocusing on the “marriage issues” is it engages in sin-leveling. Hash words are not the same of MONTHS of lies and sexual infidelity. The damage is different. Treating them as the same is a minimization of infidelity abuse.
Finally, focusing on the faithful spouse’s “faults” reverses the true debt here.
Cheaters have gravely harmed their spouse. They have dug themselves a very, very deep hole. Until they understand this, there’s no hope of true repentance on their part. Responsible pastoral care does not allow cheaters avoid this hard realization and redirect the heat on their victims.
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*A version of this post ran previously.
