Cheaters sometimes come with the faithful spouse to a pastor (or Christian marriage counselor) with a list.
This is a list designed to excuse their behavior and keep the focus off their own sin. Many take the bait.
We, faithful spouses, think that if we do the requested self-improvements then we can save our marriage.
It is not about the list, though.
The cheater never had any intention to stay in the marriage even with an “improved” you. They are simply setting you up to fail and then to discard–i.e. divorce–you as an addition to the insult of the injury of their adultery.
Plus, you have to have a remarkably high level of entitlement to give such a list to one’s faithful partner!
The cheater has sinned in THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE against their spouse by cheating and suggesting divorce.
They do not get to disperse a report card on the faithful spouse. The only thing that ought to come out of their mouth is remorse and pleas for the mercy of not divorcing them!
But that usually is not how it goes…
They issue their list of faithful spouse “deficiencies,” and if that spouse is able to improve, they then insist that they are not bound to stay married anyways.
It isn’t about the deficiencies. That is just a distraction designed to keep faithful spouses and pastors from confronting the cheater’s sins. Don’t take the bait!
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*A version of this post ran previously.
My XH actually did this to me twice.
The first time was one year into our marriage, where he had suddenly asked for a divorce (he did not tell me he was cheating). We agreed that if I would do XYZ, in one month we would go to marriage counseling. I spent a month desperately jumping through hoops, then asked him about scheduling marriage counseling. He pointed out some tiny, petty way in which he insisted *I* had not kept my end of the bargain, so he wasn’t going to do marriage counseling. He never had any intention of upholding his end of the bargain though, he just wanted out because he was cheating.
The second time was actually after the divorce, ten years later, because I dated him a few months after the divorce (yes, I know, I’m an idiot). We had gone on a few dates when I found out he didn’t want his former sidechick to know he was dating the mother of his children again. I said that was unacceptable, I was not going to hide the relationship, and if he wanted to continue to date me, he needed to check himself into therapy and go no-contact with both of his former sidechicks. He responded by basically calling me a terrible person and presenting me with a laundry list of things that he demanded I do FIRST, to “prove to him that there was something worth coming back to,” and then *maybe* he would think about going to therapy.
I already knew how this game would go, and this time I knew my worth. I ended things for good. He tried hitting on me a few times in the month after that, but I turned him down every time.
You are absolutely correct, cheaters who make demands are not sincere, they are just setting their partners up for failure. Even if they were sincere, they are not in any position to make demands. They should be taking demands, not making them.
I jumped through hoops and apologized for all my deficiencies, basically did the pick me dance, all I got in return was utter contempt. Never has she apologized for anything she has said or did. The switch flipped when I saw them out for the first time. She is now mad that I am hard-hearted towards her. I have forgiven, not forgotten.