For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. … When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.
-John 8:44a,c, NLT
One thing I find unnerving is if you discover your partner is able to lie with no “tells.”
What makes this unnerving is what it means: you have no idea when they were lying or speaking the truth. While you have caught them in one lie, you have no idea how many more of their lies you bought.
I have heard somewhere that cheating is the theft of one’s reality. The deception makes this so. As faithful spouses, we do not have the complete story. So, we do not know what is a lie and what was true.
It is unnerving and disorienting.
I believe part of the healing and grieving process is coming to terms with this loss. To move forward, we will likely have to come to terms with the fact that we may NEVER know the full truth of our infidelity-ravaged marriage.
Another clue as to why it is so unnerving is how such lies give us a clue as to the spiritual origins of such behavior:
It is Satanic.
That is what I take from John 8:44 (quoted above). This isn’t just wrong; it is a partnering with evil when a cheater lives as a liar. That reality is unnerving, too.
“To move forward, we will likely have to come to terms with the fact that we may NEVER know the full truth of our infidelity-ravaged marriage.”
At many years out, I can say this is true. I have made peace with it, but of course scars remain. I did not have the internet when my world collapsed, I just did the best I could with my sweet Dad and brothers support. I also had a great preacher, whose wise words to me were “Susie you need to get mad”. He was right. I did and I used that anger to get myself back on my feet.
I didn’t think too much of it all once the D was final and I began to rebuild my confidence and financial world. about 15 years later my ex blew our sons life up (or tried to) along with his adultery partner/wife. It didn’t work, as my son and his wife just simply pulled away from them as best they could.
But that was when I started researching and found some online information on narcissist disorder. I don’t know if that was his issue, but that man had something wrong with him to be able to lie and deceive as many folks as he and his accomplice did. I kind of get her, because she was a well known for going after married men just to get her bills paid. She finally found one stupid enough to blow up his life for her. The fact that he was her direct boss gave her extra power. He was too stupid to know that, but I am betting she knew it.
To be fair I don’t think she was the first, I think he was getting away with it for so long, he thought he had control of his life. He was always the “smartest guy in the room” type. At least in his mind he was.
He made a further mess of his life after we D’d. He just doubled and tripled down on gambling, further cheating, only this time on his fellow adultery partner. He moved to several different locations and churches, I assume to find a new supply of folks to con. I don’t know who he blamed for that, but I wasn’t in his life anymore so couldn’t have been me.
I had moved several states away to follow my career path. I only found out about a lot of this after the ex tried to mess up my sons life. Luckily my son listened to me and he never got financially involved with his dad, but of course he did try to help him when his dad crashed and burned; but they didn’t appreciate it; they just behaved like liars and cheats behave. So that didn’t last long.
I do hope he made peace with God before he died. As far as what my son and daughter in law relayed to me there was no outward sign of it, but no one knows what was in his heart at the end.
He left his adultery partner/wife in poverty, with only a small SS check to live on, she only worked until they were married, and she was about 38 is then, so she didn’t get a full SS check, and out of that she has to pay 50 dollars a month to an RV company for a big RV he bought a year before he died. My son begged him not to do it, but he wouldn’t listen. I guess that was his last high he was chasing. He couldn’t even walk to the mailbox without having to sit down and get his breath by that time. And that was after he had gambled himself into massive debt and had to file bankruptcy.
He was in a private pension, and he did not provide a widows pension for her. I assume he talked her into signing it away so they could have the money now. That was the same schtick he used on me, but I refused to sign. He likely forged my name anyway, but I could have fought that had we still been married when he died.
Honestly, I question the sanity of any reputable company that would give a loan to someone under those conditions. But I don’t know that much about business. This was one of those big, house size RVs that you see companies and Bands buying for road trips.
For the record when we D’d we each waived each others pension; he had a lot and I was just starting out in my career (we were both 41) so I didn’t have much. It worked out for me though through my own work and financial decisions.