“Sure, he cheated. But what was your part in all of that?”
– Well-Meaning, Busybody Christian
If you are a faithful spouse having gone through or going through a divorce, you likely have encountered this person:
The Well-Meaning, Busybody Christian.
Oblivious to how hurtful their comments and questions are, these individuals actually believe they are doing faithful spouses a service by suggesting the faithful spouse takes partial blame for being cheated on and/or divorced from a cheating spouse.
They think they are the “enlightened ones” aiding the faithful spouses to self-discovery as if the faithful spouse hasn’t spent countless hours trying to figure out what they could have done or not done to avoid being soul raped and rejected by their cheating spouse. Such exhortations are generally not needed as faithful spouses–in my extensive experience–are introspectively inclined and usually take responsibility for stuff not theirs to own–e.g. like the adultery or divorce resulting from said adultery.
Trust me, the ones needing Christian exhortations to reflect on what they did wrong aren’t the adultery victims but rather the perpetrators!
As a faithful spouse, you will inevitably encounter these sort of people. If you cannot remove them from your life–as in leave the unsupportive church–and are committed to staying in community with such difficult individuals, I suggest preparing an answer to when they decide to engage in such busybody and insensitive behavior.
Like having someone stomp on your toes, I encourage you to give them an “ouch” statement of how their words are hurting you to help them register the consequences of said insensitive speech. They need to know that they are hurting you and thereby hurting their relationship with you in doing so.
Let me give you an example:
WMBB-Christian: “Well, have you considered what your contributions were to making him cheat on and leave you?”
Faithful Spouse: “Ouch! Adultery is soul rape. My husband invited a third party into the oneness of our marriage against my will repeatedly. What you are saying when asking me to explore my contributions is victim-blaming. It is extremely hurtful and destructive to our relationship. Please stop.”
You don’t have to use this specific response. But I encourage you to develop your own if you choose to remain in relationship with these “Well-Meaning Busybody Christians.”
A response like this allows the WMBB Christian to learn how their words are hurtful and provides them with an opportunity to repair the relationship their line of questioning just damaged if they so choose.
Someone who chooses not to apologize after hearing how their words/questions hurt you is not someone I would recommend keeping in your life. They are not your friend. So, treat them accordingly.