When the cheater doesn’t see the problem…


Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.*

-Matthew 7:5, NIV

If your cheater does not understand and affirm that the presence of the Other Man/Other Woman is a problem, then your marriage is doomed without any hope of a rebuild.

You have a threesome–or more–and not a godly marriage, folks!

Now, I highly doubt the cheater actually believes what he or she is saying when they claim ignorance over how a sexual or otherwise inappropriate relationship outside the marriage is a problem for said marriage. They didn’t believe it at one point or why the secrecy?!

Pastors and Christian leaders, this sort of response to infidelity exposure is a sure sign the cheater is unrepentant. You cannot repent of something that you are still claiming isn’t a problem–i.e. is an “innocent” relationship. 

Plus, such a response demonstrates complete, callous disregard for their spouse’s feelings. It is ice cold and contemptuous. 

Plus, they have just spoken in a way that indicates that they have no problem violating the Ten Commandments with impunity. It is the sort of response I would expect from someone who has absolutely no fear of God. So, treat the cheater accordingly. 

The faithful spouse is not safe in such a relationship and expect further harm from someone as that person has just told you their priority is to continue harming the marriage plus their spouse as they see no problem doing so in the past.

Personally, I would recommend pulling the faithful spouse aside and telling them as much. They need to know the truth even if it is a hard truth. That is true kindness and wise counsel.

Plus, faithful spouses need to know that the mercy of divorce is offered by God for situations just as this one (see Jeremiah 3:8, Matthew 19:9, I Corinthians 7:15, etc.).

A faithful spouse does not need to stick around in such a marriage where the cheater has declared his or her priority is to serve himself to the further harm of the faithful spouse (and family). If they want to damn their soul to hell by continuing in adulterous sin (see Hebrews 10:26-27), they don’t get to continue harming their spouse on their way down. The faithful spouse is free to walk away from such a marriage.

Cheaters are free to give God the proverbial finger, but the faithful spouse does not have to follow their example. They can divorce such a godless person without shame.

* I quote this verse as cheaters claiming to see no problem from their end often go on to talk about all the ways the faithful spouse is a “deficient” spouse. All this takes place while the log of adultery remains protruding from their own eye.

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Filed under Reconciliation, Sin, Theology of divorce, Trauma of adultery

Tweaking Blog Following Saturday’s MN BlogCon


Well, you have probably noticed some cosmetic changes on Divorce Minister: Taking Adultery Seriously.


Last Saturday, I attended my first blogging conference in my home state, Minnesota. They gave me some ideas, and I have been tweaking my blog a little bit here and there since to try and extend my reach. Thanks for bearing with me as I retool this website a little bit.

Of learning how to blog and do SEO (Search Engine Optimization), there is no end. And much blog work is wearying to the body…to modernize a text out of Ecclesiastes.




Filed under Uncategorized

Christians, you don’t have to be friends with your cheating ex! Really.


“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are.”

-Matthew 23:15, NIV

Public Service Announcement:

Faithful spouses, you don’t have to become BFFs with your cheating ex in order to be right with God!

I made it clear with my cheating (now) ex-wife that we would not be friends anymore if she refused to repent of her infidelity. She chose to continue cheating and lying. Hence, we are no longer friends. It really is that simple.

-This does not make me a “bad Christian.”

-It does not mean I am bitter.

-And it does not mean I harbor “unforgiveness” in my heart.

It just means she is outside my friend circle now. I do not include individuals in the category of “friend” who deal treacherously with me and demonstrate through word plus deed that they have no interest in repairing our relationship after such behavior. The proper label for those individual is “enemy”–i.e. someone who actively sought and did harm you.

The point of quoting from Matthew 23:15 in this post is to remind us that Jesus was not BFF with everyone he met.

The Pharisees–generally speaking–were out to kill him, literally. Jesus was under no delusion that these people were enemies. And he did not pull his punches when talking about which “team” they served. To those who missed it, Jesus called them “Hell-Spawn” more or less.

If Jesus was allowed to accept that some–even religious–people were not his friends, certainly, we–as his followers–can do the same in regards to our relationships.

But what about co-parenting with a cheating ex?

This is coming from someone who did not have any kids with his ex. I want to be upfront with that. However, I would point us back to the Gospel. Jesus regularly dealt with the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law.

The fact of that regular contact did not force him to suddenly change his opinion regarding the truth–i.e. that these religious people were his enemies. Jesus did not live in denial. So, neither ought you.

Remember: You do not have to be friends with someone to do necessary business with them.

I am not friends with my landlord. Yet I still pay–actually Mrs. DM does for me–our monthly rent. Now, I don’t have a past history with my landlord like I do with my ex; however, the same idea of doing business applies to a relationship with an ex. The friendship piece isn’t necessary to execute the requirements of the law. In this case, you do not have to be friends in order to abide by the custody agreement.

Do not get sucked in by religious guilt on this matter!

God does not expect us to deny reality. An enemy is an enemy. A friend is a friend. Either there is a difference, or we should strike the word “enemy” from our dictionary. It is important that we do not confuse the two categories.

Why don’t I treat my cheating ex like a friend? Because she has decided she prefers to be my enemy in word and deed, and I respect her agency in making that choice.

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Filed under Emotional Affair, Forgiveness, Reconciliation, Sin, Trauma of adultery

Stupid Stuff (Naive) Christians Say


Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.

-Proverbs 17:28

More Christians could learn from that fool from Proverbs 17:28 who held his tongue when it comes to marriages ravaged by adultery. Sadly, the advice and condemnation come all too freely for faithful spouses. 

Here a few with my response a la Chump Lady (whose ridicule response to cheater-speak is my inspiration for this post):

Naive Christian: Well, I don’t want to judge. There’s always two sides to a story.

DM: That’s a rather strange response to adultery coming from a Christian. I wonder: what could she possibly tell you that would make committing adultery justifiable or okay? Please illuminate me on how “her side” of the story could change God’s condemnation of her adultery.

Naive Christian: You sound hurt and angry. Don’t take this wrong, but I really think you need to work on forgiving him. You don’t want to be bitter.

DM: I am hurt because I have been soul raped. I am angry because I have suffered great injustice. These are appropriate and healthy emotions for what I have experienced. I am grieving major, major losses. What I do not need at this time is the weight of your self-righteous judgment. I need a friend like Jesus who weeps with those who weeps.

Naive Christian: That’s awful that she cheated on you. But I hope you aren’t considering divorce. God hates divorce, after all.

DM: God must hate adultery more than divorce for He divorced Israel over it in Jeremiah 3:8. I see no problem following God’s example, do you? 


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Filed under Forgiveness, Sin, Trauma of adultery

What’s up with that cheater rage?!


Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.

-Proverbs 29:11, NIV

What’s up with that cheater rage?!

You know: It is the rage that shows up when the cheater is caught red-handed. Instead of coming clean, the cheater comes after the faithful spouse with anger and a mean, demeaning verbal barrage of fault-finding.

This is precisely how I remember my cheater responded when I confronted her about the Other Man. You see, I wasn’t supposed to know about him. Certainly, I wasn’t supposed to know about him before the divorce was finalized as that detail–that she was committing adultery and hiding it–has a way of putting a damper on convincing other Christians that the divorce was my fault. Yet I digress… 

What’s up with that cheater rage?!

Anger has a way of putting distance between us and others. Distance is precisely what a cheater wants when the mask is ripped off and the truth comes out. You have put a mirror to them with the truth, and they do not like being reminded of who they actually are:

An adulterous, treacherous, lying spouse.

So, they get angry. Cheaters want you and your mirror–i.e. the mirror of truth–to go away. These are the unrepentant sort of cheaters who respond in this way. They are not ready to face reality and accept responsibility for what they did. Rather, they are choosing to push away anyone with anger who dares expose the sinful fantasy that they are living.

-They aren’t poor misunderstood victims of a horrible marriage.

-They aren’t a stupendous spouse.

-They are soul rapists!

That truth is too difficult for them to face. So, they will push you away with rage until their pride is broken. It is only then that they are able to respond with godly humility and gentleness.

That’s what is up with cheater rage.

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Filed under Anger, Sin, Trauma of adultery