While I was healing from my divorce and the abandonment of my first wife, I ran across the ministry of Brennan Manning in his writings. He was a man who struggled with the demons of alcoholism. And Manning was also an amazing man of God who preached a powerful word about grace. When I felt I had come up short and no one would want me, Manning’s message of good news and grace was a balm to my soul.
His life message is encapsulated in this: “God loves you as you are, not as you should be.” (All Is Grace, 107, emphasis added).
Let that sink into your soul when you are feeling like a failure or feeling rejected and worthless.
Jesus said it this way: “All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away” (John 6:37, NIV).
Pastor David, during those times, did you ever feel your life was not worth living?
I have. It’s been 2.5 years since my ex asked for a divorce (deceptively under NY’s newly established “no fault” laws) and it wasn’t until later that my son and I found out he had been cheating on me for nearly a year before, while lying about it the whole time. The anger, the feelings of worthlessness, the wasted 20 years, dealing with alcoholism, his irresponsiblity and the increased burdens place on me because of that, DUI’s, accidents, self-absorption, narcissism, etc….being left (5 months after my 59 year old brother who owned our duplex with us for 17 years and lived next door, passed away suddenly and I was the administrator of his estate) with all the responsibilities — emotional, financial and spiritual — of our children ages 10, 14 and 18 at the time, while he went off like Peter Pan into “never never land” — yes!! I felt like not going on…and when I actually started to imagine scenarios in my head like going for a ride in the car while it was in the garage, I finally went to a counselor for help. She recommended that I go on a medication (which I have fought against my entire adult life, having dealt with depression and dysthymia) and I finally relented and agreed to try it. Effexor helped me stabilize, control my thoughts and emotions and do the work necessary to re-build my life and move forward. I don’t plan to be on it forever, but it has made me less susceptible to the extreme lows I felt – I was crying for hours every day! Since January when I was going every week for counseling, I went to every other week and have just made arrangements to go once a month. I finally feel 2.5 years out, that I am ok, and life can be better. Chump Lady and this blog have been a huge help!
Paula-we are glad that you never started that car! I’m glad it’s turning around for you and glad that you’ve got us and Chump Lady.
Yep. In some ways, I wished I never knew how it felt that such would be a temptation. My mother would grow very worried if she or my dad had not heard from me daily during my darkest months (now over two years ago). God’s Word helped me through and Scripture plus encouraging music about a future and God being with me. If it gets serious, please reach out for help! If you start having a plan, it is past time to get professional support. I believe these voices come from Satan as they are not God’s heart to you. You are worth God’s own blood. Nothing is more precious than that.