If blaming…cheaters ain’t there to reconcile!


And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

-Genesis 3:11-12, NIV

Just because a cheater goes to couple’s therapy or a couple’s session with a pastor, it does not mean the cheater is ready to repent and reconcile. 

Attending such sessions makes it look like they are making an effort to work on the marriage like a “good” Christian. However, attending such sessions may simply be a matter of image management for such cheaters. It makes them look good to attend. We met with the pastor for six sessions, but it just didn’t work out.

An indicator that this is what a cheater is doing is when the cheater focuses upon what the faithful did to “make them” cheat. This includes both physical and emotional cheating. We are responsible for our own actions and sin (see 2 Corinthians 5:10). And…

Remember: Cheating isn’t a symptom of a problem. It is a sin.

In my opinion as a pastor and infidelity survivor, I think it is an utter waste of everyone’s time to continue these sessions if the cheater is using them to blame the faithful spouse for the cheating.

1) Continuing such sessions serve to perpetuate the lie that the faithful spouse is partially or totally to blame for the adulterous spouse’s cheating.

2) Continuing such sessions stokes false hope for marriage restoration in the faithful spouse when this is not in the cards as long as the cheater is refusing to repent as indicated by the cheater blaming others instead of taking responsibility for their own sinful behavior.

For these two reasons alone, I recommend being upfront if such things happen with the couple–or being upfront with the faithful spouse, at least. Even a tough truth is kinder than false assurances that further lies.


2 thoughts on “If blaming…cheaters ain’t there to reconcile!”

  1. DM,
    It is your teaching that has saved me from Satan’s snare of becoming bitter.
    When my adult children informed me that my husband’s photo,along with his mistress was featured on a local church website, I called the Minister. I believed that the Minister was unaware that the divorce was not final and that my husband and mistress were living together. Instead I was told that I was a “hater” and that my husband had a repentant heart. You can imagine my surprise that you can be married ,repent,and have your mistress at that church. I am not a theologian but I do believe you can be mislead. I pray for those people who believe the kind of repentance that Minister endorses. I would not bank my salvation on that type of teaching. I have not been regular at a church since all this has happened, but you give me hope that there are Minister’s who teach the Word of God.

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