Hello,
I’ve read a few of your articles and it helped me a lot. My ex-wife cheated and left me for another man. It was the most devastating thing I’ve ever been through. We were together for 19 years and this all happened in just the last three months or so of our marriage. We were like newlyweds for years. Always wanting to be together, she was always telling me how much she loved me.
What I’m still struggling with is, not only the adultery, which to this day I could never imagine her doing; it’s also, how does somebody fall out of love with someone?
I mean , I’ll never be able wrap my mind around that. My life feels so empty these past couple of years she’s been gone. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to feel like that again for another woman.
How she did it while we were still married is so beyond me. God and my girls are all that’s kept me going. My ex made me feel so worthless when she left.
We haven’t talked in two years. Everything is by email. Her anger towards me is crazy. She did all of this and she still can’t be civil to me, even when it comes to our girls. She’s the one who cheated, she’s the one who left, but she acts just the opposite, like I did all of this.
Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else has had the same experience. Let them know they’re not alone. Sometimes, I guess, people just go crazy.
God bless you for the things you do to help folks get through these awful times.
-Todd
Dear Todd,
Thank you for your kind words! I am grateful to hear that God continues to use the words on this blog to minister to folks like yourself.
As to your question of how someone falls out of love, I think that is the wrong question as it comes to a strong marriage. Christian marriage is not about feelings. It is about commitment.
Nowhere in the Bible do I see God giving people permission to divorce or abandon their spouse because they no longer feel “in love” with them.
Nowhere.
The fatal flaw of cheaters is a lack of character. Their mouths wrote a check on their wedding day–i.e. those marriage vows promising fidelity–that their character could not cash.
This is not a matter of feelings. Marriage is a matter of honoring vows and keeping our commitments. Feelings come and go.
We do not stop being a parent just because we find our kids annoying. The state will still hold us responsible if we neglect them.
My point is that mature (and I would add most rewarding) relationships are based on more than feelings. They are built on commitment.
Will you ever feel the way you felt for another woman?
I do not know. But my hope and prayer for you, Todd, is that, if someone new comes into your life that you look for a woman with character first and those feelings second.
Also, realize that it is dangerous to idealize a relationship in the past. No one can compete with that. A sign of healing is the ability to see both the good and bad of our past, lost relationship. No marriage is perfect including our own prior to the known cheating.
You wrote,
We haven’t talked in two years. Everything is by email. Her anger towards me is crazy. She did all of this and she still can’t be civil to me, even when it comes to our girls. She’s the one who cheated, she’s the one who left, but she acts just the opposite, like I did all of this.
My take on this is that she feels guilty for what she did. In order to offload that uncomfortable feeling, she is trying to shift her anger and blame onto you. Obviously, that is not going to solve her problem as it is not addressing the fact that she is in the wrong (and knows it on some level).
Spiritually speaking, this is a good sign for her soul. God is trying to get her attention through using pain. However, she clearly is not responding properly to it. Some people will choose never to repent, sadly.
I hope some of this helps.
Remember, that you are a catch, Todd! Do not let the lies of your cheating ex define you. You can disagree.
Remember: you are the faithful spouse, and that stock trades high!
Blessings,
2 Corinthians 7:10
Compares Godly sorrow to worldly sorrow. It tells us that Godly sorrow will lead someone to repence & salvation where worldly sorrow brings death.
Todd,
I remember the excruciating pain & agony of betrayal & replcement even months & years after. I was devasted by the extent of X’s unfaithfulness & adultery, although I had already come to realize (& finally accept) that X did not love me or the kids based primarily on nightmare situations he had unapologetically & repeatedly put the us in. I was committed & faithful to the marriage/family though and kept hoping things would improve. i put myself in survival mode & tried to be a good wife & make the best life for my children as I could.
In the midst of the pain following Dday,i I remember thinking about how much more horrible it must be for betrayed spouses like you who thought they were loved & in a “happy marriage”.
It’s been tough for me mostly because I still have minor kids to provide for & protect from a narcissistic abuser (without the help of the law or church), & a major health issue to deal with. I don’t think I could have survived had I been totally blindsided like you & my heart been suddenly broken.
Nyra,
Thank you for the kind words. Yes, I was totally blindsided and it hurt more than any pain I’ve ever felt. But, that’s not to deminish what you’ve been through. I’m sorry you had to go through this, especially with an abusive ex. My prayer is that God blesses you tremendously for being there for your children. Thanks again for writing!
Blessings,
Todd
Todd,
Thank you for your prayers & encouragement for us all! That is definitely something we can do for each other. We understand what others here are going through & have an idea of what to pray for.
God’s blessings, guidance, & peace to you & your daughters!
Nyra
My husband has left me for another woman aftet 48 years of marrage 3 beuatiful sons and there wives and 11 grandchildren we had together i am heartbroken we knew each other from teenagers. And he became a christian afyer 30 years of marrage im devasted he is living with anothet woman now 7 years ypunger than me. Iam also in remission from cancer almost year since i finished chemo my life is over with the heartbreak yet i know God loves me
You truly are very precious to God, Rita. And you are truly an OVERCOMER!! Wow. What a fool he is to let you go!!!
Rita,
You’re life is not over!!
Satan wants us to think it is and that we are alone as we battle through because His goal is to kill, steal, & destroy. But, as DM said, YOU are an overcomer! Always remember that God loves the overcomer & know that you are not alone!
💞🙏
PS: Check out DM’s encouraging message posted today!
DM,
Thank you for replying. I understand that my ex is probably feeling the guilt of her betrayal. I ask my daughters to pray for their mom every night. I hope God guides her in the right direction someday. Thanks again for your answers and have a great evening!
Blessings,
Todd
Todd,
your story could almost be mine. My wife and I had been married for 30 years, and to me it looked like our marriage was getting more beautiful as the years rolled by. We have 6 children together and in the 2 years prior to her horrible decision to become involved in adultery, 3 of our kids graduated college, a 4th one started college, 2 of them got married and the 5th one was preparing to graduate HS. That one has since also gone on to college and we had our first grandchild. Additionally, my wife and I took a trip to a lake cabin. The first time we had been able to take a trip alone together since we had started having children. It was beautiful and like a second honeymoon. Life just seemed to be unfolding in a beautiful way and just getting better, like fine wine aged and mellowed. Our trip was in August. Her first affair began that September. I noticed that fall that her mood was rapidly
deteriorating. I got the “I love you but I’m not “In love” with you”. I just thought it was due to most of the kids leaving home and menopause. I was blissfully ignorant and just resolved to love her thru this rough patch. It was a full year later before I discovered her current affair. 2 days after that, i found out that her current affair is actually her second one, the first one being that one that had started that September. It is horrible, I’ll never understand it. We had more than heart could wish for how our family was turning out and the investment of all those years in our children and finally coming to a place where we could focus on “us” time. And then she elected to detonate it all. My wife is completely unrepentant and I am praying constantly and God is sustaining me thru this nightmare. As in your case, she somehow faults me for her terrible choices. She is a completely different person now. She has morphed into an angry, detached stranger although as long as I avoid sensitive subjects, like affair partners, etc we can get along ok. We are preparing to sell our house and separate and I assume divorce will follow eventually. She says she needs “space”. Yeah, right – I’m sure its rather a
buzzkill to enjoy your affair partner while still living with your spouse. Well, I could go on, but just wanted to share this much. Thanks for sharing your story. Let the pain drive you to find hope and solace in the Lord. That’s what it does for me. Nothing else can truly heal other than Him. I am looking to Him to give me a hope and a future. I am not despairing. He lifts me out of the pit. May God richly bless you.
Scott,
We’ve definitely been through a lot. Similar circumstances. My ex turned into a completely different person, someone I didn’t recognize seemingly overnight. Like you, I pray all the time. This ordeal has brought me closer to God. When it all started, Satan whispered that I wasn’t good enough, my sins did this. But, through prayer, great friends and family, I realized that it was her who was corrupted and defiled our marriage. I know now her issues are hers alone before God. She’s never repented, quite the opposite. She actually told me she’ll “never apologize for cheating.” But again, that’s on her. I do my best every day to forgive her and pray for her. That’s all we can do. Take care of yourself and God bless!
Todd
Todd,
I’ve experienced the exact same thing. It has been 5 years and it will still occasionally torment me. I have wonderful friends and family. I never have conflict with people. Yet, the man who should cherish me the most, loathes me. I am the mother of his children and I comforted HIM when he was trying to figure out whether he should pick me or pick her. I comforted HIM. I loved HIM. I cannot understand why he is snappy with me, always assumes the worst of me, and lies to our adult children. What I tell myself is that God will sometimes remove people from our lives to protect us. And, the way the cheater treats their faithful spouse is often how they actually feel about themselves. Finally, when I miss him, I know now that I am not missing him, I am missing the fairy tale. I thought we would live happily ever after and grow old together. The reality is that he is not that wonderful man I married. He’s been gone a long time. My children spend time with their dad, but still find themselves missing him. Their dad is not the same man they grew up loving.
Try to keep those things in mind when you are attempting to sort things out in your head. You will never be able to make sense of it. When you are missing her, try to imagine sharing a life with her – living on edge all the time. Wondering when she’d pull the rug out from underneath you – again. Then, breathe a big sigh of relief. That’s one thing you don’t have to worry about. And, the cheating had nothing to do with you. It turned your life upside and broke your heart, but it’s all on her. No one deserves to be cheated on and left.
I wish you peace. From one faithful spouse to another. You are not alone in your confusion and pain.
m
MH,
Thanks for writing. I do still miss the woman who my ex used to be, but you’re right, I miss the fairytale. She was at times a difficult woman to live with. She carried a lot of anger from her childhood. Like you, she wasn’t the wonderful woman I married and wanted to grow old with, and maybe God did remove her from my life for my own good. I’ll know someday when I meet Him. Thanks again for writing. All on this blog are continually in my prayers that the pain and confusion will be healed and we can live the life God wants us to live. Blessings to you!
Always Faithful,
Todd