What Was Missing In the Marriage? Character. The Cheater’s.

“Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;
    let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
My husband is not at home;
    he has gone on a long journey.
He took his purse filled with money
    and will not be home till full moon.”

-Proverbs 7:18-20, NIV

Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman,
    from the wayward woman with her seductive words,
who has left the partner of her youth
    and ignored the covenant she made before God.

-Proverbs 2:16-17, NIV

To the obnoxious question used to blame-shift on many a faithful spouse, I have a simple and Biblical answer.

Question: What’s missing in the marriage (i.e. ravaged by adultery)?

Answer: Character. The cheater’s.

It’s not rocket science folks. You don’t have to sit down and do an exhaustive study of “where things went wrong” going all the way back to the first year of marriage when one partner stacked the dishes improperly and the other kept forgetting to restock the toilet paper in the bathroom. When a catastrophic moral failure has happened (as adultery is), you look at whose morality failed.

In other words, you look to the character of the adulterous spouse.

That’s what went wrong.

They chose sin.

They chose lies over truth.

They decided to play god.

Notice from today’s verses the resounding silence about assigning blame to the husband of the adulterous spouse:

  1. It does not go into a long exploration about how the adulterous woman was not getting her emotional needs met by a husband gone for such a long period of time.
  2. It does not explore the question of whether he gave her enough sex. 
  3. It does not even hint that the foolish young man is doing a service to the adulteress’ marriage by sleeping with her.

The Scripture warns off the young man from sleeping with another man’s wife. It uses strong language reflecting the character of a young man who chooses not to listen. He is considered foolish (or lacking in wisdom).

And the adulteress is portrayed as nothing more than a brazen, predator who cares nothing about the fool she ensnares, the husband she violates, or God she ignores with contempt.

Might there be more missing in a marriage ravaged by adultery? Sure. But the lack of character in the adulterous spouse is where to begin. They are fully and totally responsible for the ravaged marriage. Explore what lies or lines they bought. It’s all on the adulterous party as this Scripture makes clear. And not the faithful spouse’s “full moon” long trip away from home.



4 thoughts on “What Was Missing In the Marriage? Character. The Cheater’s.”

  1. Thank you for this! You have hit the nail on the head of exactly how I feel about how many Christian organizations are handling Adultery and infidelity. Some of those reconciliation sites have some great advice that I believe would work in a marriage with run of the mill communication problems, etc. but when I have sought advice, everything was contingent upon getting the adulterous spouse to sign on for the program, which would require them to somehow acknowledge that they have done wrong…many won’t do that. additionally, the element of blame that these programs force upon the betrayed spouse is pretty damaging and as Christians, it is very hard to be validated in wanting to leave a spouse…even for allowable Biblical reasons and the popular (seemingly Christian) path is to reconcile at all costs when the Bible doesn’t seem to say that at all. Right now, I am still with my husband but seriously considering leaving because of his unrepentant heart in regards to his infidelity…I can’t prove that he committed adultery but his actions and evidence I have of overnight house visits to a former co worker and lying and gaslighting me about these incidents logically tell me that something very unsavory happened. Otherwise why would there be a need for rug sweeping, lying, justifying, blaming. I just want to do the right thing and I am very concerned about it and want to be obedient to God in my decision so as I prepare to at least get myself into a position where I could leave and financially be able to take care of our children, I am praying for a clear path. It has been nearly a year since D day and I think he has had ample opportunity to work on the marriage and I just don’t see that happening but my eyes are slowly being opened to his entitled behaviors and lack of respect that I have turned a blind eye to for many years, making excuses, because I didn’t really want to admit that I was allowing myself to be treated badly.

    Anyway, thank you again for your insight and addressing divorce and infidelity from a Christian perspective.

    1. Sounreal,

      Glad you found your way to Divorce Minister. And I am happy to hear that you find the post here beneficial.

      From what you wrote, I’d say it is more likely than not that he’s committed adultery. Adults do not have unauthorized sleepovers with coworkers and lie to their spouses about it without adultery involved. In fact, if a Private Investigator testified to such info, the courts here in the US (I’m told as I am not a lawyer nor am giving legal advice) would likely assume adultery. So, your logic is sound even if it is painful. No one deserves such treatment! My heart goes out to you.

      My hope is that someday more churches and pastors will treat adultery with greater clarity and seriousness protecting faithful spouses from further hurt. I am not shocked that you run into the “reconcile at all costs” mindset. It is part of the reason I write this blog. I do not see that perspective as Biblical, and it’s caused too much damage already–to faithful spouses (and their families) and to adulterous spouses even as it does not teach repentance as necessary.

      I am happy to hear that the fog is clearing for you. May God grant you wisdom, comfort, peace, and support as you step forth into whatever next adventure He has planned in advance for you to do! It does get better…I speak from my own experience!

      Pastor David

      1. Thank you! It is heartening to hear the good stories from the other side and about how life gets better once you are past it.

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