Never mention it again?!

“You shouldn’t mention the cheating again. Didn’t you already say you forgave him?!”

-Clueless “Christian” Counselor

Forgiveness does not erase the impact of the sin(s).

If you have a pastor or “Christian” counselor pressuring you, faithful spouse, to never mention the cheating again, you need to find a better counselor/spiritual guide. They are clueless.

Recovering from a spouse’s cheating is not simply a matter of forgiveness.

It is a matter of grieving the many losses of things taken from the faithful spouse like safety, money, and much, much more. 

It is a matter of recovering from soul rape. Trauma does not suddenly disappear just because you decided once to forgive the perpetrator.

The pastor or Christian counselor who fails to see these two dynamics is not qualified, IMO, to help faithful spouses to recover and heal. They are not equipped with the necessary basic knowledge required to meet and treat the faithful spouse’s wounds.

Plus, any pastor or “Christian” counselor who condemns a faithful spouse for mentioning the infidelity “again” after “forgiving” is likely engaging in spiritual abuse, IMO.

They are condemning the faithful spouse for doing what he or she needs to do in order to heal.

Namely, they are condemning the faithful spouse for needing validation that what happened happened.

They are condemning the faithful spouse for trying to make sense of their traumatic experience.

And they are condemning the faithful spouse for needing to engage in lament.

If you have a pastor or counselor doing this, please fire them!

Find someone who understands infidelity as a soul-level trauma and abuse because that is what adultery is.



1 thought on “Never mention it again?!”

  1. I love the word “lament”. It’s like you wrote the word I’ve been looking for, so thank you. I had a pretty traumatic exposure of decades of adultery, primarily with the same woman. I was married 32years, with two grown children. I’ve done quite the study on what forgiveness is, and what it isn’t. I have often felt re-traumatized by folks who expressed a completely ridiculous definition and requirement of forgiveness.. it felt like trauma and abuse all over again! My grief and my lament (LOVE that word!), have greatly eased…also knowing that the mourning process will continue, in some level and form….for a long time. Long time. I’m at peace in grasping the difference between that and forgiveness. Forgiveness is mandatory and unconditional…but also something that isn’t a one time deal, since there is a spiritual enemy that would love to tempt us into revisiting bitterness and unforgiveness. I just use that evil attempt to motivate me to rush into my Savior’s arms, for Refuge, strength, power, rescue. So, even in those yucky moments, if we run to our tower, we grow in love for Him, the enemy loses another battle, and forgiveness becomes more solid, and more than just words…..and it’s a win win! But. Someday, I’d love to counsel the church, leaders, friends, family, anybody and everybody, about the soul damage they do to people, when they immediately require such impossible and unreal responses from the victim. Some are well meaning….but let me say….some are not. Either way, they do incredible damage to a soul, and greatly hinder healing. I pray wisdom for these people…humility and compassion as well.

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