Not nearly angry enough…with her!


God judgeth the righteous, and God is angry with the wicked every day.

-Psalm 7:11, KJV

If anything, I was too mellow when it came to my (now) ex-wife’s cheating behavior! Most of my anger was directed at the proxy agents used by her to manipulate the narrative and keep me unbalanced. They did sinful and wrong things, true. But the problem was really with my cheating (ex) wife and not them. She was the “ammunition supplier,” so to speak, of that firing squad.

I suspect this anger orientation experience is not unique to me.

It is easier to be angry at the Other Man/Other Woman or other interfering family/”friends” than at the actual cheating spouse. No one wants to believe such an intimate relationship was so willfully violated by the person we thought or–still unfortunately do–think is our closest “friend.”

A healthy anger is helpful in dealing with a cheating spouse. It gives the faithful spouse the energy to protect him or her from being damaged further by the humiliation of the infidelity.

Such anger says,

“NO! I did not deserve this and will not accept this sort of treatment.”

This is healthy. It is godly to refuse to take responsibility for being sinned against. Clearly, cheaters need reminders that what they did is completely unacceptable and not the fault of their victims in any way.

This sort of anger and response is godly. It is not sinful but anger functioning as God designed it to function in us. Such anger is functioning to right real injustices and protect the victim of such injustice. That is good. 

I encourage such anger.

2 thoughts on “Not nearly angry enough…with her!”

  1. I am divorced from a narcissist and was in an abusive marriage for years before I found evidence of my ex-husband’s infidelity. When I confronted him, he responded with extreme anger. With an attitude of righteous indignation, he denied that he had been unfaithful. He was supremely insulted that I suggested that the evidence I found was that of adultery. He was unable to explain the evidence in a way that made sense to me. I wanted him to have an honest conversation about it so I maintained my composure. At a time when it was my right to get angry, I was not able to because of his anger. He had nothing to be angry about; his anger was intended to shut down the conversation. He did not want to fix our relationship, he did not want to come clean about his affair, he was really just angry that he had been caught and would not be able to continue his affair behind my back, business as usual. I was not able to really get angry until after he moved out, and then I used my anger to expedite the divorce process. You are abused so much in a narcissistic relationship, that by the time you have evidence of infidelity, you have already been beaten down so much. I felt ugly, sexless, worthless and deficient after finding the evidence. The thing I had tried so hard to have with my ex-husband, a happy and loving relationship, he denied me, but was so willing to give it to his affair partner. It was so easy to think he loves her, he finds her sexually attractive, they are so happy together and I just don’t count. It was harder for me to think, my life matters, I matter, he promised before God and man to be faithful to me and he wasn’t and I didn’t deserve what he did to me.

    1. What an awful experience, Singleagain! But you survived and got through it. Talk about an overcomer!

      Cheaters commonly use anger to put distance between them and their partners when caught. Mine did the same thing when I confronted her. She turned on the anger. Refused to confess.

      Don’t beat yourself up about it or his opinion of you. It is safe to say he has issues. I doubt anyone who can live a double life as cheaters do is capable of real love. Real love–agape love–requires transparency, vulnerability, and self-sacrifice. Cheaters don’t do any of those very well if at all.

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