Painful Absence


You have removed lover and friend far from me;
My acquaintances are in darkness.

-Psalm 88:18, NASB

Holidays can be especially painful when you find yourself recently bereft of your spouse or long-time partner.

Honestly, some of the most painful parts of my marriage ending was adjusting to no longer having my spouse with me on a daily basis. The physical absence was hard.

Being held and holding someone is especially desired during these festive seasons. Skin hunger is real. The absence is painfully noticeable.

Before things really hit the fan in earnest, I remember one particularly awful Christmastime experience.

You see, my (now ex) wife refused to fly back to my home state. Instead, she decided to spend the Christmas holidays with those who I later discovered were a couple of traitors, not friends.

So, I got to fly back to my home state with an empty seat next to me–there and back. It was a miserable Christmastime!

Her absence was noticeable and very, very painful.

For those of you new here, I want to encourage you. I got through it. Yes, it is painful, but you can make through it as well.

Returning to the verse above, I love how brutally honest the Psalmist is. He does not sugar-coat his feelings of abandonment and pain.

An important part of healing is acknowledging the reality that we hurt. This is independent of whether or not we are seeking to stay in our marriage.

We may no longer cognitively want to be with the other, but that does not invalidate the real, painful feelings we are having because they are absent.

The pain of no longer feeling their touch is real.

It is okay to hurt.

You are not weak or deficient to miss your cheating partner during Christmastime. It is only human to miss someone with whom you were one.


3 thoughts on “Painful Absence”

  1. THIS!

    So clearly explained, my precious friend!

    Many around me just do not grasp how thoroughly painful this all is, even though cheaterpants is a dis-ease that MUST be removed from my life! (Divorce papers just now received, so that part of the process has just begun for me)

    They do not understand that, just because he became diseased and has to be cut off, that does not mean I no longer love him. It is so very painful to still, even now, feel love for the one who has so brutally wounded me! And it IS viewed as weakness to still feel this way. So sad, as it is really a very strong, very fine quality to be loyal, faithful, to love deeply & genuinely from the heart. So, yes, it does hurt when part of ourselves rejects us, no longer wants to be the part of us they were, that promised to be ’til death.

    That deep bond is in imitation of our God, the one who continued to love his ‘wifely’ nation, even though he had to cut her off due to her continued spiritual adulteries. And I would much rather imitate my loving Father than imitate the shallow masses around me!

    My illustration: Due to injury or disease, one of your body parts must be removed. All who have been through such an experience will tell you it is brutal, even though it is necessary. You will miss that part & there is a recovery period after the removal and adjustments to be made. Especially with the loss of a leg, the phantom pain and sensations haunt them. Sometimes until they die. Do they learn to live well without that part? Grow healthier without that disease? Absolutely! as do all of us who forge on through this ‘hell’.

    Thank you for courageously speaking this fundamental truth, DM! Knowing these truths & knowing others have gotten through to the other side, is such a comfort to those of us still on the journey.

    With you and ChumpNation ‘in my corner’, I am ForgingOn!!!

    Love to all……….

  2. I survived my first Thanksgiving without my kids (they were with the Cheater this year); the first time in 17 years without my precious now almost grown babies. I cried and grieved again the loss of my intact family and also the loss of dream of being the grandmother with my husband, surrounded by our children and grandchildren on future Thanksgivings.

    My ex-husband was my lover and my best friend. Or so I thought. I continue to mourn the loss of all my dreams and the loss of someone who I was “one” with. We truly were “one” in the sight God my Father. I honored my vow to my no ex and to God. My ex was the one who broke his vow to God and to me and he will be held accountable to God for breaking that vow.

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