“So what if you forgave her? You would always be able to hold her cheating over her head.” – Cheater “supporter”
What so many faithful spouses fail to recognize early is how the relationship with their cheater is really about the cheater having and maintaining power.
Remember the adage: Knowledge is power.
We think that they must care enough to do the decent thing. That is why we don’t get the ongoing lying even after clear evidence of cheating.
But the cheater is not deciding based upon love or caring for the spouse. It is about maintaining power and avoiding unpleasant consequences for themselves.
They don’t care–really–at what cost it comes to the faithful spouse, the kids, or others. Only the cheater and maintaining power matters to them.
So, cheaters do not confess or give up knowledge of what they did without a fight–if ever.
They might use religious language. But such language is simply one more tool in their box to maintain power and avoid taking a humble position.
When a cheater–or a cheater apologist–is more concerned about how knowledge of the infidelity will tip the power scales in favor of the faithful spouse than dealing with the sin, then you know what is really is their god.
So, I encourage faithful spouses and their supporters to pay attention to these power dynamics. They reveal the heart of the cheater.
Someone who truly is remorseful and repentant does not play power games but sets the task of “making it right” as primary even if that means humbling themselves before their spouse whom they victimized.