Resources

Recommended Websites

http://www.divorcecare.org/

DivorceCare is a great program and with support groups for those who are separated or have experienced divorce. It has a pretty good curriculum with solid Biblical principles. Most of the speakers in the program’s DVDs have experienced divorce, and so, their words are generally seasoned with grace and gentleness. They also have a side program for children of divorce called DivorceCare for Kids. Personally, I found much support and healing by going to a local DivorceCare group.

http://chumplady.com/

NON-CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE (At least, she does not claim a faith perspective). Chump Lady is like a street-smart guide to infidelity. Her words are vulgar (she explains why on her blog if you search for it), but her theories are helpful for parsing cheater language and understanding cheater behavior. The website is also an online community for chumps–i.e. cheated-on spouses.

Chump Lady interviewed by Dr. George Simon who is a psychologist and expert on character disordered individuals.

http://www.davidclarkeseminars.com/Save-Your-Marriage

Christian Psychologist with a M.A. from Dallas Theological Seminary in Biblical Studies. He takes a tough approach towards calling out the sin. I especially recommend articles entitled: “Bring Your Marriage Back From The Dead” and “I Don’t Love You Anymore.”

“Divorce, Abandonment, and Remarriage”

Sermon delivered by Divorce Minister on August 16th, 2015 at Westwood Church (EFCA) on August 16th, 2015. Focus passage is I Corinthians 7:10-16. I touch on pertinent passage from both Old and New Testament in this sermon (roughly 40 minutes in length).

Books:

Rejection Exposed: Understand the Root and Fruit of Rejection by Anthony Hulsebus

Excellent book to help deal with spiritual root problems. Has a chapter that turns Scripture into prayers to address root issues. Highly recommend this book! Helped greatly in my healing. Helps to tailor prayers with Scripture to specific spiritual struggles.

 

The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You’ve Been Cheated On by Tracy Schorn

Consider this a streets-smarts guide to infidelity. It is not a Christian perspective per se and is full of vulgar language–author explains why in the beginning. It does give helpful theories of understanding the experience, though. She calls a spade a spade and is very straight-forward about infidelity. Recommended as a book to process the lies and manipulations of cheaters.

 

What To Do When He Says, I Don’t Love You Anymore by Dr. David Clarke

Excellent Biblical approach to infidelity. I do not necessarily agree with everything it says about situations beyond infidelity. However, I strongly endorse Dr. Clarke’s road map to dealing and healing after adultery is discovered.

 

Not “Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D.

Very good book that uses solid infidelity research to explode such lies as infidelity is caused by unhappy marriages (“The Prevention Myth” is what Dr. Glass calls this one). If reconciliation is in the future, pastors and faithful spouses need to read this first. It takes a tough line on adultery while also laying out a realistic path forward if the adulterer/adulteress is truly committed to change and dealing with their “justifying” lies.

 

Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey

This book tackles the problem of suffering from a Christian perspective. It is an excellent, Biblical resource that does not fall into the simple answers camp. I found it a very healing read. A shorter and updated version of this material by the same author can be found under the title: The Question That Never Goes Away.

 

Pain, Perplexity and Promotion: A Prophetic Interpretation of the Book of Job by Bob Sorge

Bog Sorge makes a powerful reading of this perennial Biblical book on suffering. I found it wise and helpful for me as I walked through the confusing time of adultery discovery and divorce.

 

A Grief Observed by C.S.Lewis

The author of the Narnia Series among other great Christian books writes out his thoughts and feelings surrounding the death of his wife. It is raw and beautiful in its rawness. Initially, he published it under a different name because of that.

A Roomful of Yearning and Regret” by Wendy Plump

This New York Times article from December 9th, 2010 ought to be required reading for anyone trying to help couples dealing with the trauma of adultery. It is written by someone who has been on both sides of adultery. And it is not necessarily written from a Christian perspective but does reinforce how adultery is not a good choice and has awful consequences for all. Pastor Tim Keller and his wife, Kathy, cite it in their excellent book on Christian marriage entitled The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God.

more recommendations coming

7 thoughts on “Resources”

  1. Hi I found your blog from the CL blog – I love to see evangelicals standing firm and pushing back on the “all divorce is sin” myth that pervades the Body of Christ these days. Just wondering if you also see other forms of domestic abuse as grounds for divorce, not just infidelity? I spent a lot of time at the Crying out For Justice website, because it is the evangelical answer to those of us trapped in domestic abuse (which may not include cheating).
    One thing that I heard a lot in my church when I was getting ready to divorce my husband was “God won’t bless you if you sin {divorce your h}” — and I think the antidote to that craziness is your story, mine, and others who have loved God and battled through a horrible marriage. It ends up that God really *does* bless those who mourn, were trampled on, unjustly attacked, betrayed, abused, you name it. God does care, and He does bless us.
    Thanks for this blog!! 🙂

  2. I just found this blog. Thank you so much for sharing! I found out this week that my ex-husband is engaged to his mistress. We’ve been divorced not quite a year (he divorced me). Our son was only 18 months when he left. He is now 4 and I see the damage this has done on him.

    I was told this week ‘don’t be bitter’, ‘they waited 3 years so the kids could be ready’. I’m heartbroken and angry that some people do not think it’s wrong but I’m wrong in being angry. You and your wife’s post have really helped. Thank you!!!!

    1. Yeah, so BIG of him to wait to make his adultery official for everyone to see after abandoning his wife and young child! Makes sense you are hurt and are angry about the injustice. Anyone who condemns you for such expressions of grief and pain are jerks. It is healthy for a Christian to be angry about adultery. God is! So, the real question is why aren’t they angry about this?

      Welcome and glad to hear you have found encouragement/help here!

      -DM

  3. When my marriage to my adulterous wife ended, I joined a DivorceCare group and found a lot of healing. I have since remarried and my wife and I have led DivorceCare groups 17 times. We have seen a lot of healing and brought new members into our church. But as our faith has matured we find more of the material in DivorcCare problematic. It basically teaches from the viewpoint of Southern Baptists in North Carolina. While I can accept their viewpoint, it is not good fit for a more progressive American Baptist Church in Napa,CA. I also was dismayed to see their inclusion of “nouthetic counselors” in the latest curriculum.
    I had become in the habit of presenting alternate viewpoints to what Divorce are taught but that is wearing thin and dilutes the good the program does. I have been looking for alternatives but am having nothing that incorporates a Christian faith perspective without being overbearing.
    Do you have any suggestions? We feel called to divorce ministry but are tired of DivorceCare.

    1. DivorceCare and the leaders were very beneficial for me as well. However, I have some philosophy differences with the curriculum, too. For example, I think it takes too strong of an emphasis on NOT divorcing. This isn’t very helpful for someone who has no say in the matter; nor is it helpful for someone who ought to exit a marriage to an unrepentant adulterous spouse.

      Also, I am aware that “nouthetic counseling” is not everyone’s cup of tea. My pastoral concern with that direction is how that sort of counseling can become spiritually abusive with the Bible used to beat/control people as opposed to support them with an open hand. I do not know if I would say that is what they are doing per se. But I could see how it may come across as forced at times.

      Sadly, I do not know of an alternative curriculum at present. Part of the reason I started this blog was in response to the pauchity of such recources. I looked around going through my ordination process to realize many pastors do not know how to handle issues like adultery, divorce, and remarriage even having been in the pastorate for decades.

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