Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! – Isaiah 5:20, KJV
Private Definitions of Cheaters
I can remember my undergraduate philosophy professor telling us on multiple occasions how to deal with difficult argument situations. I can still hear his voice saying,
If you find yourself in a corner, either change the subject or draw a distinction. Usually, it is too embarrassing to change the subject.
The distinctions cheaters draw are often false distinctions–i.e. ones that do not actually change the meaning of the word. The distinctions are just justifications they use to deceive themselves into thinking what they are doing is not wrong when it is. In fact, such distinction drawing moves them to a place where they are out of touch with reality clinging to words unmoored from their actual definitions or meanings. And the saddest part of this is how the cheater sincerely believe these nonsense definitions with their ludicrous distinctions.
For example:
“Adultery”: “It’s not adultery if we were living in separate places at the time.”
Wrong: Adultery is about the marital state of the person having sex with a non-spouse. Location is irrelevant.
“Cheating”: “It’s not cheating if I didn’t have sex with her.”
Wrong: We call non-sexual infidelity emotional affairs. They are certainly examples of devastating cheating. Sex is not the only way to cheat on one’s spouse.
“Friend”: “I don’t understand why you are insisting I stop seeing her. You’re so controlling! She’s just a friend.”
Wrong: Friend is not the proper label for a relationship that has become inappropriate emotionally and/or physically. The correct label is “lover.” A true friend does not harm another friend, which an adulterous person always does by violating the marriage as they are violating the oneness of that union. (Finally, it is not controlling to demand an end to such a relationship in a marriage. It is called setting proper boundaries by eliminating temptation as well as a threat to the marriage’s viability.)
Satan is subtle sometimes. He twists the definition of words ever so slightly as to help the sinner take the bait along with the hook. It is a wise faithful spouse who keeps a clear head. Do not buy the demonic distinction.
Adultery is adultery.
Cheating is cheating.
Lovers are lovers.
I love how you don’t mince any words here! Excellent!
I just recently found a text to my x husband’s mistress on my phone that he forgot to take off. This text was 6 months after affair discovery. It said, “I miss you so much. You are so easy to love, I can do it in my sleep” “I dream of you so often that it’s like you never leave.” I sent him the text and a short note that he had left evidence of his betrayal on my phone. He tried to play it off as I dreamed of laughing and joking with her which i couldn’t do with you. I loved her as a friend he said. He said he only had sex with her one time and I was making a big deal out of their friendship. He still to this day tries to minimize what he did and make me out like a crazy person for being upset about their “friendship.” Still in a daze over all the manipulation.
Jessica,
It is okay to be in a daze. That’s a common response to being suckerpunched. It sounds like he is still trying to play you. It is a big deal to have sex with someone even once if she is not your wife. It is an even bigger deal to be “friends” with said woman as well. That makes it an emotional affair as well. IMO, you aren’t over-reacting to the betrayals. Sorry that you had to have all that brought up and experience such an awful response. Sounds like you made a good choice in divorcing him as he does not sound one bit repentant from such responses.
Hugs,
-DM
Oh man. Seriously, I can’t believe the lines I heard.
I was told:
– That he couldn’t believe I didn’t trust him to go to an adult friend finder party several months after his first affair. (adult friend finder is a swinger website to find people to have sex with). I told him that no wife would be okay with her husband going to a party like that EVER even if he hadn’t been unfaithful before.
– That he needed to stay on the adult friend finder website to keep in touch with his friends.
I should have said you mean friends “with benefits” right?
– That he didn’t get why he couldn’t be friends with his mistress. After all, he didn’t tell me who I could be friends with…
I told him that I don’t have sex with my friends.
SueB,
Good boundary-setting! That is exactly the issue. These aren’t friends but sexual partners. Having such is simply incompatible to monogamy.
This is not an uncommon play. Cheaters think it is okay to be unfaithful and usually cope to a lesser ‘friendship.’ Mine did this in regards to the OM when I confronted her. Called him a friend and treated me as crazy for having a problem with her relationship with him. It’s out of the same demonic playbook.
Way to go in standing up to that nonsense and lie!
-DM