And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. – John 3:19, KJV
In the early stages of discovery, I can remember being downright obsessive in trying to find out the facts. It was all-consuming for a good deal of time.*
I had to know!
The problem with this obsession was how one really will never completely know. Mind you, you will likely get some key pieces–hopefully–but you will never really know the extent of the betrayals unless your cheater tells you. Even then, you are basing your understanding on the word of a demonstrated liar.
My encouragement to you in such a season is to look for enough information to have peace knowing who you actually married. The confession–to the one adulterous relationship–was enough for me. It protected me through my ecclesiastical trial as well as protected me later when my ex-wife thought she could legally intimidate me into scrubbing such references from this blog.
I don’t know what that “enough” is for you.
But I hope you come to a point where you have enough. I hope that you can accept that some people prefer darkness to light. And I hope you will be able to move forward wiser, if battered through obtaining such wisdom.
*As a side note, I think this season of obsessive investigation is part of the grieving process. We are trying to wrap our minds around the fact that so much is lost. This new reality is really hard to accept. It has been violently thrust upon us. So, I would encourage you to be kind to yourself in this season not trying to force yourself to “be over it.” We all have our own timeline on matters regarding the heart.