And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. – John 3:19, KJV
In the early stages of discovery, I can remember being downright obsessive in trying to find out the facts. It was all-consuming for a good deal of time.*
I had to know!
The problem with this obsession was how one really will never completely know. Mind you, you will likely get some key pieces–hopefully–but you will never really know the extent of the betrayals unless your cheater tells you. Even then, you are basing your understanding on the word of a demonstrated liar.
My encouragement to you in such a season is to look for enough information to have peace knowing who you actually married. The confession–to the one adulterous relationship–was enough for me. It protected me through my ecclesiastical trial as well as protected me later when my ex-wife thought she could legally intimidate me into scrubbing such references from this blog.
I don’t know what that “enough” is for you.
But I hope you come to a point where you have enough. I hope that you can accept that some people prefer darkness to light. And I hope you will be able to move forward wiser, if battered through obtaining such wisdom.
*As a side note, I think this season of obsessive investigation is part of the grieving process. We are trying to wrap our minds around the fact that so much is lost. This new reality is really hard to accept. It has been violently thrust upon us. So, I would encourage you to be kind to yourself in this season not trying to force yourself to “be over it.” We all have our own timeline on matters regarding the heart.
Amen, amen. On the personal timeline comment. On the violent thrust of betrayal onto one s conscience. On accepting that the adulterous individual prefers darkness to light and that we have to accept/respect that. In doing so…we can slog forward and commence healing in recovery with the Divine Physican s help.
This particular blog even though it brought back a lot of bad memories was validating in knowing I did the right thing when enough was enough.
My stbex was a Psychiatrist and brilliant at gaslightning and making me feel I was crazy, this made me determined to find out the truth about each affair.. Time wasted that I could have used inore fulfilling ways. In truth he showed who he was 13 years before I left but I kept hoping & forgiving & believing he could change . One day after yet another affair , I realized nothing was ever going to change & I filed for divorce.
I often wonder if I should have being more patient but you have reminded me that enough was enough.
mylifebeginsagain73,
As I wrote, I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. We all need time to grieve, and it is really hard to process such betrayals. Plus, you were/are dealing with a smooth operator who is well-equipped to mess with your head. So, I would give yourself more grace and credit. Thirteen years is more than enough time for him to have changed if he really wanted to change. I’d say that is EXTREMELY patient and gracious upon your part. It’s not your fault he spurned such a gift. That just tells you who he really is.
Blessings,
DM
I know none of my stbxh behaviors/sins have nothing to do with me. 31 years of marriage, filed for divorce in March and the spin never stops. He will not leave until divorce is final so I am stuck with his evil presence/energy in our home. I have realized now more than ever, that he thrives on creating chaos, I have to work real hard at not being sucked into his vortex of HELL. I thank you all the time DM for your blog and speaking the truth to us who have hung on to prolonging “enough is enough”
Blessings,
My stbxh never did confess to an affair but I have proof of an emotional affair and I have no doubt he was trying to get one started and definitely had it in his heart. He abandoned his family I believe to show the other woman he was serious but I think she is the one that ended everything, not him. That was enough for me. I would rather him have turned toward God, repent and kept our family together but he chose darkness and I can’t make him choose the light. Each day feels a little better and the light gets a little brighter.
As a side note, I even went to the hassle of putting a tracker in his car to see what he was up to. That’s pretty obsessive. It didn’t show me much, but with God’s grace I can even laugh about it now. Hang in there everyone!